We have to tell our dc about a friend's death

[PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo]

We didn't tell them when it happened, in the summer, because we felt it would cause them un-necessary distress. But his widow and dc are coming to stay in a couple of weeks' time, so we're going to have to tell our dc.

I'm not looking forward to this. Particularly to the fact that I don't think I will be able to hold back my grief and talk clearly to ghtem.

How do I tell them that someone's daddy has died, without frightening them? And that the reason that my friend's family are staying tiwth us is because their grandmother died and they came to UK for the funeral? The last time they remember meeting my friend was at his father's funeral.

Or maybe I'm overthinking this...maybe I should just tell them and cry with them.

I would say to just be honest and tell them. it won't do them any harm if you do cry.
But, it will be a good opportunity to discuss dying with them. they will have questions and i always think that honesty is best.

Dd1 has faced a lot of death within the last year. She has had her difficulties with it, but coped, imo immensely well.

She had to learn that parents can die and leave behind their children, shortly after that she had to learn that children can die.

Be prepared for any questions. i.e, where are they now? Can we see them again? Will you die? What if I die and you don't know because I am at school? Will my sibling die? Does dying hurt? are but a few of the questions I have had.

I think it's fine to cry in front of them. It reassures them that it is okay for them to cry. But also, make sure they know it is still okay to feel happy, if that is what they feel.

Be there to listen to them.

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

How old are your dc? My son is three and we've had to explain to him about death recently - two family pets died within a week and then his great-grandmother. We told him that they had died and that meant we wouldn't see them again but that they were happy, even though people would be sad to not see them again. HTH.

And with regard to your own grief, chances are that your friend and her children will have dealt with it well, as they have been confronted by their loss everyday. Don't be afraid to talk to them about him.

I had to tell my son 2 months ago that his uncle was dead. ds was 2.11. I was put on the spot as ds asked for him as he had heard his name. I told him that his uncle was in the sky and we couldnt see him again. It first thing i thought of and i had only just been told myself so probably not ideal however I have since told him that his uncle is dead and it means we cant see him anymore but he knows that we love him and we can be happy and sad but both are ok. Ds has also been told in vague details what happend. A man was very silly and uncle died but he wasnt hurt/sore etc. I felt i had to be careful with what details i gave as he had just turned 3 and didnt want him to be afraid of motorbikes or cars. As he gets older though i will explain fully to him what happened and show him the newspaper articles etc.

I think you just tell them in very simple terms and in a very no nonsense way. Be led by them. This happened to us when my bro and I were kids - my dad's good friend was killed, knocked off her bike. It didn't really touch us or worry us unduly, we accepted it as fact and that was that. Sometimes kids are not rocked by these things; it didn't affect us, it was outside our little cocoon of family life so it wasn't truly worrying to us.

It would certainly have worried us if mum and dad had made alot of it, or kept asking us if we were ok, or something. As it was they just told us and let us ask questions if we had them and left it at that.

I would always suggest telling a child this sort of news in the morning, so that they have all day to process it. A day is a long time to a child so they are likely to have done alot of thinking about it before bed!

Thank you for your responses. I see that I am overthinking it. Our dc are 3, 7 and 9. It's the older two that I am worried about.

My OP was ambiguous - I'm not looking forward to telling my dc. I am looking forward to my friend's family coming, so that we can talk about him and cry together. His wife and I have done so on the phone, but I haven't had a chance to give his children a hug. They are such lovely teenagers.

Just to add to what others have said and from a sligthly different angle, please also tell your dcs they shouldn't be afraid to talk about their friends dad if their friends bring it up. Fortunately kids are much better at this than adults who seem to go through all sorts of convoluted conversation gymnastics to avoid mentioning the dead person. You seem to have this all under control and have been a good friend, such people are like gold dust at a time like this - well done.

A close friend of mine died recently and I told my children (3, 6) straight away. I told them I was very sad because my friend had died. DS1's first question was about her children and how sad it was for them without a mummy. He's asked me about it several times, and I have been able to talk to him about it and her when it came up. My three year old has mentioned it a few times.

I was so upset I couldn't keep it from them and I just told them on the spot.

It hasn't kept them awake at night.

Well, I told the older dc this morning. To my surprise their main concern was for my friend's children. My main worry was that it would frighten them, but it doesn't seem to have done so.

Thanks.

I'm glad it went well.