advice on how to deal with DS 6yrs? sorry its long!

[mel1981]

A bit of back ground;
I had a stillbirth at 26weeks 4 years ago DS1 would of just turned 2yrs. It all happened on top of xmas (we found out xmas eve and he was born on boxing day) so me and DH cant see xmas the same any more but do all we can to make it great for the kids. April the next year I had an early miscarriage.
Me and DH didint think DS1 understood or remembered anything that went on. We went on to have DS3 and then I fell pregnant again. Feb 2009 I ended up in hospital with a bleed due to placenta previa at 24 wks.
I was in hospital 10 wks with DH and GP's looking after my 2 DS's. Scans said placenta had moved so was allowed home only to have a noticable bleed in front of DS1 who is petrified of blood. Returned to hospital, scanned, kept in for a few days and let home again. All well for 3 weeks and then a very big bleed (again in front of DS1) so rushed to hospital again and had an emergency C-section. DS4 is now here safe and happy. .

To now; The last few months DS1 has been asking questions about our stillborn DS2 which I answer as honest as I can & how I think a 6year old will understand. But its like he cant seem to grasp the idea of it all IYSWIM. He keeps asking when will DS2 come back?, He talks about when he and DS2 played together- which they never did, He asks why cant he see DS2 and so on I try and answer. We are not religious so we say the angels are looking after DS2, we've taken him to his grave, etc But he still doesnt seem to quite understand and hes been getting quite upset.
When I was in hospital waiting to have DS4 he made comments like I would be coming home without my baby- I know he doesnt mean harm by it but it was very upsetting for me& DH. When DS4 was a few days old we had to take him to A&E and DS1 was begging me not to take him cause he wouldnt come home with me.

He obviously has remembered more than we thought. He isnt a very sensitive boy but he is finding it hard to deal with and in his behaviour he has been starting to get a more aggressive. Im just worrying incase its going to effect him in the long run if we dont deal with it now. I dont know what else to do myself. A nurse at the hospital said bearing in mind all weve been through it might be worth getting him counselling and am considering looking into it... just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with similar? and how did you deal with it? Im just at a loss as to what to do or say to help him understand

sorry its so long but I tried to just stick to the main details.

i don't have any real advice for you other than to say that some of what he is saying is just a kid thing! and not necessarily anything to do with the circumstances surrounding your ds2.

what I mean is, my son who is 5 often tells me about how he played with me when we were both babies, or how he and ds2 were both in my tummy together. he has little concept of death- they just don't at that age I don't think.

so some of what he is doing seems to just be noremal stuff, though obviously it seems like more than that because of the situation.

anyway, i'll stop rabbiting on now and hopefully someone else with better advice will come along!

I can only say , that as upsetting as it is for you, it isn't as poignant for him. he has probablt remembered something, added other tings to it, form what he's heard the adults talking about.

Just stick to that facts of what did happen, to give him a clear understanding of the truth.

Guide him thru it, he will be fine. I have done similar with dd, and honestly you will come out fine.

I had a stillborn daughter a year before I had my daughter, and two years before I had my son. They know about their big sister and that she died because she was born on the wrong day, and we regularly visit her grave together, and my dads grave which is very close to my daughters. (dad died 2 years ago) But my ds (now 7) still talks about when he and Bene (my angel baby) used to play together etc. Of course they never did, she was stillborn 2 years before he was born, but yet he insists they played together.
When I went on to have another baby 18 months ago, they both asked whether she would be ok or would she be born on the wrong day too? Its just how they rationalise it in their own heads.

I wouldnt worry too much, keep answering his questions and maybe have a good long talk to him about death. Kids wiht little experience of death dont always understand what it actually is. My kids have lost so mnay family members since they were babies they know as much as they want to know about it.

Poor you. poor him. please don't under-estimate how confused 6 yr olds get. ds1 is 6 in a few weeks. says the most logical and illogical things.
had emotional development workshops at school. helped alot. all the boys went.
couselling may not be such a bad idea. or just you yourself talking and really really asking him what he remembers and really really listening ( i only say that because i am terrible at REALLY listening to ds1 , or imagining what I think he is going to say, rather than what he actually DOES say). you might be surprised. it will give you the opportunity to correct his inaccuracies.
HTH

Poor you. poor him. please don't under-estimate how confused 6 yr olds get. ds1 is 6 in a few weeks. says the most logical and illogical things.
had emotional development workshops at school. helped alot. all the boys went.
couselling may not be such a bad idea. or just you yourself talking and really really asking him what he remembers and really really listening ( i only say that because i am terrible at REALLY listening to ds1 , or imagining what I think he is going to say, rather than what he actually DOES say). you might be surprised. it will give you the opportunity to correct his inaccuracies.
HTH

My DS is 6. His sister died when he was 3. They were very close. He talks about her a lot. He says the oddest things. I think he is thinking out loud sometimes, trying to make sense of it all.

There is usually some nugget of logic in what he says but sometimes its very deeply hidden

He kept saying his DS had been killed and stabbed. This sort of came out of the blue and it took me a while to realise that he had decided that 'cancer' was a person and as he knew DS had died from cancer, cancer must have 'killed' her. It took me a few weeks to decipher that puzzle.

It can be very painful to hear him chat about DD in this way. He often does it on the way to school or in the supermarket. Passers by must think us very odd. I let him talk and add the odd comment here and there.

He is trying to work it all out I suppose. I dont really correct him that much unless he is very wide of the mark.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and thoughts with me. I really appreciate it.
I think tomorrow we need to sit down with DS1 again and maybe discuss it a bit more, with him doing a bit more of the talking then maybe we can understand from his point of view.
Ive only had to deal with death once before- my aunt when I was younger but we werent close at all so this is almost like a 1st for me as well as him. Its hard to come to terms with it myself...still. I hate to imagine whats going through DS1's head.
Thanks again, any further advice is still welcome

mel , I agree with what the others have already said , 6 yr olds can be confused little beings at the best of times .

Our first son died when he was 14 mths old and we have gone on to have 2 more boys . My eldest went through a really tricky phase about 18 mths ago when he was 4 . The biggest thing that we found to help was getting out all the things that belonged to our first son and showing him them . It seemed to take away a lot of the mystery surrounding the whole thing and made him feel more involved .

At that age the whole world revolves around them so they struggle with people having something so huge happen to them and they don't know about it .

He will still talk about him and about death and dying but in a more matter of fact way .

I am so sorry you are having to face this I know how shite it is .