Is this what happens?

[Mariannedreams]

I'm not sure where to post this, so hope it doesn't offend anyone.

A very close friend has cancer, it has happened quite fast. He has been having chemo but it isn't working very well apparently. They are also giving radiotherapy, now.

He has become very very tired and is sleeping for most of the day. He's lost loads of weight, and has been in a lot of pain so is on morphine.

I'm not sure if these signs are side effects from treatment, or if it means he might not have very long to go.

I am scared and could do with some honest experiences if anyone has a minute, and doesn't mind sharing.
I'm sorry to ask. I just want to be prepared, I hope that makes sense.

Ah Marianne, I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what happens- and remember this is a very big group of diseases which are quite different.

When my BF had end stage cancer she didn't want to see anyone. But she went faster than most people expected. So if you have anything to say, or want to see him, go now. You won't regret it, whatever happens- and here's hoping he will be well again.

Hi Newkiwi,

Thankyou for your kind post and I'm really sorry about your friend. It's such a quick thing sometimes by the sound of it - no chance even to say goodbye.

We have spent some time together recently, when he was feeling less poorly but things have really gone downhill. He was feeling Okish before starting these treatments.

I've heard that people start to sleep all the time when they are getting close to the end, but then it might just be the drugs knocking him out.

Will try to keep positive!

marianne I just wanted to post and offer my sympathies.

My MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer just before Xmas. She is pretty much the same at the moment, literally sleeping all day. You go to visit and she can fall asleep mid converstion. I too wonder if she is fading fast or if its just a concoction of the meds. I do know that the painkillers can pretty much knock you out so it may well be that.

Sorry about your friend. My aunt has terminal stomach cancer at the moment, its horrid.

Tbh, if they are saying chemo isn't working too well and have gone to Radiotherapy, the radio is likely to be palliative - to shrink the tumor for a bit to get rid of the worst of the symptoms, but not to cure, just to make comfy (I've been talking this through with my dh who is a rural GP and does a fair bit of hospice style care at home).

Being on morphine is going to make anyone sleepy, but if the pain is that bad that they need that much morphine to control it, its also not a good sign.

I don't want to give you no hope, but this doesn't sound great.

Best wishes to you and your friend.

Hi,

Daisy thankyou, I'm sorry about your MIL - I feel selfish wanting to know what's going to happen, and when, but I can't bear the waking every day thinking 'this might be the phone call' or something.

Weegie, thankyou very much for your honesty, and I am sorry to hear about your aunt. I understand it isn't looking too good for my friend. They were going to try and get him onto a trial for something but they said he won't get it now.
I think he has to be stable first...maybe the chemo will start to work after a bit longer? I don't know if it would have worked by now iyswim but they are continuing it for now.

Mariannedreams, I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. My brother died of cancer nearly three years ago and I have to say that during the sudden downward slide in the last 6 weeks of his life, he was in a similar state. The drugs are very powerful but really his body was too worn out from the treatment and the disease to manage much other than sleeping. Sorry not to have better news; as newkiwi said, it's a huge disease group and obviously experiences will vary so I really hope yours/his is a better one.

All the best to you both.

Hi Marianne,

I lost my mum to cancer in 2008; basically it was less than 4 months between diagnosis and death

The doctors gave me absolutely no clue that death was likely (I know she had cancer, and it seems obvious, but they said the chemo was working and that she had gone into remission). After her death, I asked the oncologist why they hadn't warned me, and he said that, if you took one cancer patient and let 50 cancer specialists examine him/her, not one of those specialists would be prepared to give a definitive prognosis, because cancer works so differently in different people.

So, to echo what others have said - go and see your friend now, say what you want to say, don't leave it. I hope your friend gets better soon. And, to answer your original question - being very quiet, sleepy etc can be symptoms of the cancer or side-effects from the treatment. So sorry this is happening, and sorry if this post is a bit rushed - am fending off a 3-year-old with one hand as I type.

I'm sorry about your friend. Cancer is such an unremittingly shit disease.

Morphine and radiation therapy together would be enough to knock anyone out, I think. My mother found radiation therapy completely exhausting, despite dealing with chemo pretty well; morphine is renowned for making people sleepy.

From what you've said, I'd hope for the best but prepare for the worst, I'm afraid. The combination of chemo not working, the need for morphine and the weight loss doesn't sound good. Sorry.

So sorry to hear about this.

I lost my mother in law to cancer last New Year's eve and my beloved Granddad to cancer this August.

I found the Macmillan cancer website very very helpful. You can talk to people online -some of whom I'm still in touch with today and there is so much information there that is presented in a careful and thoughtful way.

My mother in law was being nursed in the Middle East by my husband when she died (I stayed here to look after our son) and they did not have any Mac nurses to help (its not the done thing over there) and so they had no idea what to expect regarding the end stages of life - I found the information on the Mac website very helpful and it prepared my husband and his family for each stage as it happened.

The thing with cancer is that no-one can say for sure what is going to happen. They told my mother in law she had a month to live, but she died 4 months later.

My Grandad went from walking around, albeit very tired to the end stages within two weeks. You can drive yourself crazy thinking oh is this the last week or whatever so my advice, as hard as what it is, is to take each day as it comes. Treat it as a blessing, say all what you need to say and just be there.

I was with my Granddad when he died, along with my mum, Gran and sister. We sat around his bed for a good 6 hours, we laughed, cried, talked...all the while he was there. Not conscious as his meds were so great but I think on some level he knew we were there.

As sad as what it was, it was so peaceful and I felt blessed to be there at the end of his life, surrounding him with love..I think wwith cancer, a peaceful passing is a blessing.

Sorry to have waffled. Just wanted to share my experiences.

Take care

Puss

Very sorry to hear about your friend Marianne. My mum died on December 18th, exactly one month after diagnosis with pancreatic cancer and she too became very tired and sleepy very quickly and the last 5 days was asleep all the time (but was on a lot of morphine and sedatives because of her confused state). It is so hard to bear, we had no time to get used to losing her before she was gone. Make the most of any time you have - I took my children to see my mum on the Sunday before she died and told her I'd be back up to stay with her on the Thursday (we live 100 miles away). Those were the last words we exchanged, my brother called me on the Wednesday to say she was unconscious and she died on the Friday with me holding her hand, never having regained consciousness.

Kate, how awful Hope you're bearing up.

sorry to hear about your friend, the drugs make people sleepy, my husband was in a coma for a week before he died from cancer, before his coma he slept a lot.
get in touch with Mac on line we found them very helpful. they do lots of leaflets too which may help.

Hi,
I am sorry I haven't been back to reply. If I am truthful, I read your replies and felt overwhelmed, and didn't know how to thank you for sharing such deeply personal experiences.

But I must say it and I am so, so sorry to all of you who have lost someone dear to you. I have been fortunate in only ever losing one person I was very close to, and that was 15 years ago...the shock and grief caught me by surprise at the time. But this time it does not seem real, not yet.

Thankyou for the honesty also...seems as though a combination of pain, and illness, and drug effects are probably making him extremely tired. He's had to start having a higher dose as the pain got unmanageable.

I've spoken to a Macmillan advisor, she was wonderful, and also suggested that my friend might want to contact them for some practical help but I don't know if he will.

Thankyou again for talking me through this, it has helped...I wish I could give something back. I'll let you know how he gets on.

Hi Marianne. I'm glad sharing our experiences has helped you. Macmillan are a wonderful organisation, the nurses we had to help with my mum in the last week of her life were fantastic, nothing was too much trouble. I hope your friend will feel able to make contact with them at some point. We have asked for donations to them in memory of mum and hope to raise a decent sum for them.

So sorry to read this Marianne

My lovely Dad died in 2003 6 weeks after being diagnosed with lung cancer.

He was very very weak for the last couple of weeks, lost a load of weight and the last few days was unconcious completely. So yes, it can happen very quickly, its such an awful disease and horrible to watch anybody close to you going through it.

Thinking of you xx

Radiotherapy can totally knock people out.
Chemo can also.
Morphine will make most people very tired.
Different cancers affect different people in so many ways so its very hard to know whether to put it down to this.

My DD was exhausted pretty much all the way through her illness (2 years) but some of her friends never seemed ill at all. Many of those who were seemingly well didnt make it and those who were very ill all the way through did.

There is no rhyme of reason to this fucking disease. Its total and utter bollocks.

You may find your friend rallies and becomes much better for a while, regardless of his 'status' IYSWIM.

Try not to be scared. When my DD died it was very peaceful and she wasnt in any pain. I was really frightened because I didnt know what to expect but I spoke to a local hospice and they were wonderful. They didnt shy away from my questions. It really helped.

I am very sorry about your friend.

Hey,

I just want to add that sometimes there is a positive outcome.

My mum had breast cancer. Had to have a mastectomy, chemo and radio.

She is here still. 30 YEARS later.

She was very ill and I think things were touch and go for quite sometime, but there sometimes is a good outcome.

I just wanted to say that.

HM x

So sorry to hear all these stories.

It does anger me slightly that we do not have a concept of how quick a cancer can kill someone and hence we are unprepared (like the OP describes). The cancer charities do a great job, but their emphasis seems to be on breast and prostate (or the hormonal cancers) and many of the other cancers (especially pancreatic, liver, oesophagus, stomach) can be totally devastating and kill people very quickly.

My dad died of pancreatic cancer within 3 months of diagnosis, and this seems pretty much typical of this cancer, and there has been no progress on this prognosis for over 40 years. Somewhere I think there is a story about drug companies and profitable research, even in cancer treatment.

I hope your friend has some peace Marianne.

For what it's worth, one of the characteristics of pancreatic cancer is that it doesn't present symptoms until it is already well in place. Don't know about the others.

Marianne sorry to hear that your friend is going through this.

As everyone has said- the disease is so different for everyone, there is no definative answer- but again i'd urge you to look at the macmillan site and phone them if you want to talk it through with someone who won't 'frill' things up. Mac nurses are straight talking and will also talk throught things with you and try to prepare you for what to expect.

In all honesty without the full details it is difficult to judge his situation, but fwiw i was diagnosed with 'life limiting' cancer 6mnths ago (original dx 2yrs ago) and i had to undergo some pretty horrific treatment almost immediatly. I lost over 4 stone, spent over 3 weeks in bed, took every form of pain relief/ antidepressant/ sleeping tablet the docs would give me and was pretty ill. However i am still here and certainly not planning on leaving the mortal realm just yet!

good luck and i hope whatever happens you find some peace.