14 years and 1 day so why am I feeling so awful now?

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

My Mum died 14 years and 1 day ago.

Usually i do miss her more at this time of year, but I get by and am OK. But today I'm in bits. I had so many vivid dreams about her last night - meeting my DH and ds' for the first time. This morning I woke up distraught that it was never going to happen and I just can't pull myself together.

I've spoken to my brothers and they're doing ok - same as usual.

Has anybody else experienced this? Why am I feeling like this now, and how can I pick myself up when I have no idea what the trigger has been?

i'm so sorry for you.i have no advice for you,but couldn't pass without saying something.
i know i would be crushed if i lost my mum,and expect to always feel that way.
hopefully someone who is more experienced can offer you some practical advice.

What little I know about bereavement, I do know that some days it just sideswipes you and takes your legs from underneath you. No warning or obvious reason. However bad it feels today it may not be there tomorrow. Just concentrate on getting though today and let tomorrow take care of itself.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would imagine it's because you had a fairly vivid dream about her last night. I know when I dream about someone, I always feel it's so real the next day. Also, possibly because you have the 'let down' from the Christmas period, which can't be easy for you.

I really understand what you are saying, it's 10 years since my Dad died and I too have times like this.

Sometimes I can put it down to a trigger, like a song or a place, or when I feel like I really need him in my life, or when I just miss him. SOmetimes no rhyme or reason at all.

He never met my kids, so that was really hard. He hated Christmas although he took part whole heartedly, I sobbed in the car at the Trafford Centre recently as I saw a great present that he would have loved, I was going to buy it anyway, but the tears started to prick the moment I touched it.

I don't think it's a question of 'picking youserlf up' Feel it, let it be with you, experience it, ride the wave of it all out, without trying to force it shut. I think this helps to deal with it all naturally iyswim.

I dreamt about him recently being behind the till of my local Co-Op, when I came to his till he put his finger to his mouth and said 'sshhh' and smiled. What it meant, i don't know, but I liked the smile.

It's hard, I totally understand and sympathise. x

I've still got a heavy, dragging feeling in my heart and just can't get myself motivated or enthusiastic about anything.

DH is ignoring it I think even though I have told him how I am feeling. He's not good at expressing feelings etc and feels out of his depth I think.

Not sure what to do with myself

Sorry you are feeling like this Iwished. Don't have any experience but is there something that you COULD do with yourself. Visit your Dad's grave, make a donation to his favourite charity - something that would make you feel that you are acknowledging these feelings rather than trying to 'survive' them or 'ignore them'. Maybe get your Ds's involved in some way so that the meeting which you experienced in your dreams becomes 'real' in some way?

Sorry if unhelpful.

So sorry Iwish - I read it as your Dad not your Mum - apologies.

Grief comes back years later, and just because years have gone by, that doesn't mean it is any the less powerful. My mother misses her mother appallingly at times, and she (GM) died in 1994, having not been there (dementia) for a number of years before. Plenty of time to "get the grieving out of her system", you might think. However, I think that we keep our beloved dead with us, and when we suddenly start missing them like mad and crying, it is catch-up for the time we spent "apart" since the last time we grieved. I do think it's normal. Not a very cheerful thought, but normal. I'm so sorry.

My dad died just over 10 years ago and my dh just over 7. Dad's death usually doesn't affect me too much tbh, he went very quickly which is what he would have wanted and after watching my dh suffer so much I think he would have been grateful, I know I am. I think though, no matter how much you try and put anniversaries to the back of your mind, I am always considerably affected by them and never realise how much until after.

The reason for posting was, like you, my dad's death is something I can live with. That's not meant to sound uncaring about him at all but I know for a fact that he didn't want to get old so it was what he wanted. Sorry, am rambling. However, a couple of weeks ago I had a vivid dream about him like you and it brought it all back. Have been going through some fair change recently and am unsettled and I wonder if it's that that brought it on.

Have there been recent events for you?

Sorry, don't usually ramble quite so much lol.

Whatever, anything goes afaic with grief xx

Thank you all for being so kind.

I think it's the not knowing why I'm feeling the way I am that is upsetting me too iykwim.

I'm ok if I'm busy, but as soon as I get a moment to myself, it's all I'm thinking about.

I know there's nothing wrong with that but it's not me and I'm finding it exhausting aswell as upsetting. The fact that DH would rather not talk about it isn't helping either I'm sure.

Hi Iwish,

my Mum died 17 years ago (when I was 15) last month, I know exactly how you feel.

I have had dreams where she has 'visited' me - I somehow know in the dream she's going away again (it's heartbreaking). I've not dreamt about her for a few years, but I find some comfort when I have had these dreams. But also sadness, which is only natural. Just because your Mum died 15 years ago, doesn't mean it gets any easier.

It's a shame your DH can't help in comforting you on this, mine would rather I let it all out, and has prompted me on more than a few occasions to talk about it - I only wish I could open up more.

Take care, and talk about it on here as much as you want - I'm here and plenty others will be only too happy to listen. xx

Sorry Iwish, I've just re-read that it was 14 years ago she passed, and not 15 years.