ds lost his dad and great gran in one week, how do I help him?

[LittleMarshmallow]

ds is 3.5 and at the end of November his dad died a result of a car accident, also that week my gran his great-gran died also.
I took ds to the hospital to say goodbye to his dad and he understands that the doctors couldnt make him better and that he is up in stars.

We have since been away on holiday (it was booked in Feb and part of ds's christmas) but his behaviour is a nightmare, he no longer wants to be seperated from me which I can understand to a point, but it is a constant request for kisses and cuddles. He is trying to act all grown up but is coming across really rude to people. He is always telling people he hates them and that he wants them to go away but when you do it causes more problems.

I lost my job at the same time this was going on and am starting a new job in January and ds will be starting two new nurseries (due to spaces etc)

I just dont know what to do about his behavior, at times it is embarrassing and others it upsets me. His sleeping is really bad now too, there are nights he will wake up at 10pm ish and scream for around 3 hours for no reason, other times refuses to go to bed and when you tell him off he starts screaming.

Does anyone have any ideas? I feel like I have lost the little boy I used to have and have this monster in his place

I do think it will take a while as there is quite a big mess to sort out, ds dad and I were separated so he didnt live with him and only saw him once a week at the end.

I just feel so sad for him but am encouraging him to talk about it it is just hard to deal with his behavior as he is just so difficult regardless of what you do and I know it is not his fault but I find it really hard to cope with him at times. It is made worse by the fact ds looks older and is mistaken to be around the age of 5 and I have had some horrific comments from strangers regarding his behavior which I know I should ignore but it just makes you feel even more like you are failing.

I am so sorry for both of you.

He is a baby and really needs his mum right now. Give him all the cuddles and kisses he wants, he needs to feel secure. He is frightened of losing you too.

Him being rude is testing to see if people will stick around. React to it while you would normally but give extra cuddles.

I feel so sorry for both of you and you need to make sure you have time to grieve and get help too.

don't know where you are, but have you heard of Simon Says?

It's a charity especially to help children deal with bereavement. They may have some ideas for you.

good information and help here

child bereavement trust

winstons wish

you need to talk to his nurseries so he gets extra help and support

I have told both his nurseries and explained what we told ds about daddy being sick and the doctors not making him better and he now lives in the stars. He (ds) used to have two little Eeyores I bought from Tesco but he gave one to his daddy when he said goodbye and tucked it in with him but he carries the other one around like a blanket, which is fine with me (went everywhere on holiday) and have told nursery this too.

I will for the first time actually be working nearby both nurseries. The reason for him going to two was that he had a place for one of them full time from June and I thought it would have been too much to move him nursery twice in 6 months.

I do give him as many cuddles and kisses as he asks for and he tells me that he loves me about 200 times a day but it is hard going at times when it would be nice to sit down and have 5 mins peace but he is constantly wanting to cuddle up to you.

I have looked at the links and will see if there is some things which might help, although I suspect time will be the biggest one and I am hoping that by going to nursery it will be someone else telling him off not me which I hope will help him that and playing will I hope distract him at times.

Hiya LMM, Sorry for your loss.

My DS2 died in March this year and I can personally recommend Winston's wish - both their website and phoneline was invaluable to me as they were so practical with their help for my surviving son (who was then 4.5)

The reality is (as Riven mentioned above) grief for a child is a bit of a scary place to be, he doesn't know what he is feeling or how to explain it to you. DS1 has been very clingy with me in particular during the last month or so. All you can do is keep giving reassuring cuddles and holding him. Have you got friends locally who could help out? You are not a failure. You just need to take whatever support you have and just get through the days at the moment.

I know it's been mentioned but I also highly recommend winstons wish

Sending warm wishes to you and your ds