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[CymbidiumHybrid]

I have always had 3 men in my life, my dad, hubby and brother.

I only have hubby left. Though, I have adopted a friend of mine as a litte brother.

I am managing to get through this year without my much loved db but am struggling so so so very very much.

I look at his picture, flowers, shirt and my heart breaks.

No-one understands me and what I am feeling.

I love you db 2.3.62

sorry for your loss.

and to add - you are entitled to feel like this. it is natural. you loved and lost someone very close to you. Your love keeps them remembered.

I'm just so bloody angry with him. I'm scared of letting anyone close to me AND i've changed so much even my best mate has said she doesn't know me anymore.

its the way he died that makes me so angry.

yes, there are 7 stages of grief i think. 3 years on, i am still befuddled/angry at my mother for the circumstances in which she lived/died.

I think it is compatible with moving on, as the fierce anger leaves with time - but for me will always be there.

It mightn't make much sense, but your grief in itself is love.

I look at his photo daily.

I think about him, but I feel like my heart stops beating when I do.

I hate him for how he went.

I love him for how much he adored me.

I hate him for how he treat his wife and kids.

I love him for how much he loved them.

I hate him for how he treated me when pissed.

I love him for how much he made me laugh when he was sober and how he would have died to protect me.

I love him for how much he cried when my kids spoke to him on the phone.

i have apicture of my nan on the wall, i wished her merry xmas - i have a cry now and again ( she died in feb)

what people who are trying to support you at this time don't realise or forget is the astounding lonliness and solitude of grief itself.

I want him back so that i can beat the crap out of him for doing what he did.