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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Death/funeral practicalities

22 replies

Dontpanic · 26/12/2009 16:53

My dad died early hours of Christmas day. Him and my mum were over visiting me from Belfast.

Still running on autopilot/adrenaline after a couple of days spent in the hospital with him watching him go, but now we want to sort out practicalities for the funeral.

Problem is, everything is shut for the holidays until Tuesday. The hospital told us we can't pick up the signed cause of death cert. until then, but my SIL (also in Belfast, and a nurse) said they should be able to give this earlier as it has to be recorded by the Doc on call asap. We then can't register the death at the Registrars until Tues.

So, do we speak to funeral directors only when we have the death cert, or before that? I don't think they'll need to do a postmortem, but if so, do we have to wait until then to make initial arrangements for funeral?

Do you know if you can have a religious style funeral at a crematorium, or are they only humanist style there? My mum wants him cremated here so they can just take the ashes home, rather than a coffin being ferried back to N.Ireland. But with me not being a church goer, I don't know how to arrange a local service. Does a funeral director help with this too?

My dad refused to make a will, so that's another potential biggie of a problem coming up, making sure my mum has enough to live on in the meantime. The house is in his name & all the bills, plus she got "housekeeping" money from his pension.

Also, got to cancel their flights back to NI for Tuesday

If there are any decent websites with info like this, much appreciated if you let me know.

OP posts:

ButterPie · 26/12/2009 17:10

I'm pretty sure help the aged have this info. Sorry for your loss.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2009 17:16

SA funeral director should be able to advise you with everything.

Yes, you can have a religious ceremony at a crematorium. If you don't have a minister in mind, the funeral dirctor should be able to sugest/ put you in touch with one.

I ahve no idea about when they are open...it may not be untill monday, but suspect they are open before then. If you give them a call I'm sure they will have an answer phone message to let you know. I expect they have a24 hour line though, incase someone has died at home.

So sorry about your father.....what a horrible, confusing, sad Christmas for you.

Haribolicious · 26/12/2009 17:17

So sorry for your loss Dontpanic and sorry that you're having to deal with this I'm afraid I don't have much advice to offer but couldn't leave your post unanswered. When my Mum passed away in the summer, we left it til the next day to speak to the funeral director (waiting til we'd got the death cert) but they said that they can act on the hospital....so basically speak to the funeral director asap....I think they are better 'equipped' to look after the body. Also I found it a comfort to know Mum was at th funeral home's chapel of rest rather than stuck in the hospital mortuary. They were a great help so a chat with them may answer your questions.
I would also agree with what your sister said re: recording death at the hospital....when Mum passed it was at 2pm on a Sunday....they called the doc on call who didn't come til gone 4pm and then actually missed my Mum, so had to be called again and finally came back at 7pm! So really push for this to get done.
Thinking of you and sending strong vibes.

ilovesprouts · 26/12/2009 17:19

so sorry for your loss

PacificMistletoeandnoWine · 26/12/2009 17:20

So very sorry for your loss, not helped I am sure by it being this time of year .

If the cause of death of your father is known then the Death Certificate can be issued at any time by any doctor who has seen him during his last illness.
As you said, registration of his passing will only be possible on Tuesday.

I would contact an undertaker now or any time that suits you and your family. They can arrange collection of the body and are also a source of information about local procedure.

As far as I am aware you can have a religious ceremony at a crematorium if you want. Also, a lot of people in your circumstances will chose to have a memorial service at home quite seperate from the actual burial/cremation.

I am sorry, I have no advice on the legal side of things, but have always been under the impression that if they were married your mother will automatically have certain rights re house and pension? Could a Citizen's Advice Bureau help?

Hope this helps a little.

Haribolicious · 26/12/2009 17:20

Yes, most Funeral directors will have someone on 24/7 call so as said....I would suggest you speak to them asap.

cathcat · 26/12/2009 17:25

Everyone has already answered your questions I think, so I just want to say I'm sorry and hope you are managing okay.

carocaro · 26/12/2009 19:18

Sorry to hear this, as other have said, a funeral director will be able to answer all the questions.

FYI when my Dad died, he had a religious service in a crematorium and he was an anthiest!

Jux · 26/12/2009 19:47

I am so sorry. I've recently organised two funerals and if you get a good FD you're quids in.

First, don't panic, there is time for you to do everything that needs to be done regardless of the bank hols etc.

Start with the FD. I know you can't until Tuesday, but that will be OK, don't worry. They will guide you through the entire process, and advise you, answer any questions and give you as much help as you could need.

Your mother, being married to your dad, will automatically get everything, as there was no will. However, she will need running costs and spending money for the first month. You don't need to speak to a solicitor for ages yet, though if you're the type who takes comfort in action, then you can do it as soon as you like, obviously.

I took refuge in practicalities and rushed around like a complete madwoman, but hey, it helped me.

Again, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You have my deepest sympathy. Remember though that time really does help, and you will need patience until then.

Original poster

Dontpanic · 26/12/2009 19:56

thanks all, that's great info x

OP posts:

WingsTHEangel · 26/12/2009 22:03

I'm sorry for your loss. We lost our Nanna on Christmas day.

If you have a funeral director in mind you can contact them and they will take your Dad and look after him. The actual Funeral can't be arranged until they have the death certificate (remembering from when my Dad died) You can arrange how you would like the service to be etc.

When you registered his death you can get extra copies of the Certificate which alot of places want originals.
As for bills you can ring companies and it's usually straight forward to change into your Mums name.

Take your time in arranging things and try and look after yourself take care xx

PirateCatintheXmasHat · 26/12/2009 22:06

bloody hell, i am so sorry for your los op.x

GinSleigher · 26/12/2009 22:30

Funeral Directors should be on 24 hour call and so you won't have to wait until Tuesday to deal with that part of things and as everyone else has said, the funeral director will give you great advice.

Re the flights: get in touch with the airline and explain the situation. Some airlines will be lovely and will refund the fare or rebook you with no extra charge, but not all will do this.

At the moment you need to remember to look after yourself too.

SantaClausImWorthIt · 26/12/2009 23:01

No practical advice, but I just wanted to say how sorry I was to read your post

Swedington · 26/12/2009 23:16

V sorry to hear your sad news.

Citizens Advice might be useful for information on intestacy rules and co-op funeral services offer excellent advice here

alypaly · 26/12/2009 23:24

your dads assets will possible be frozen until all members of the family have been contacted. This happened to a freind of mines mum and her daughter had to fund her until the assets were sorted out. All the cheque books ,bills,household utilities,shares were all in her husbands name too, so she couldnt get any money for the household bills for ages.

Really sorry to hear of your loss as such a poignant time.

you can have whatever type of service you want at a crematorium. We were not religious but you can chose a religious vicar rather than a humanist type.

Was he poorly before he left ireland?
Really sad for you

Original poster

Dontpanic · 27/12/2009 11:11

Well, funeral director is coming round this evening, so that should kick things off. Hosp confirmed can't get cert. until Tues as the team who were present during his last illness aren't back on until then. Have cancelled the flights & they'll pass info on to refunds dept once we fax a copy of the death cert.

alypaly yes, he thought he had a hernia again as symptoms felt same to him & was taking paracetemol & gaviscon. Wouldn't go to see gp, & wouldn't let my mum call ambulance the day before when they thought he was having a heart attack. so many opportunities to have caught it in time, but he was stubborn to the end

Thanks for the lovely comments all.

OP posts:

QueenofWhatever · 27/12/2009 13:58

Dontpanic, it's a field I work in, so if you give me your e-mail address I can send you the booklet we use in the hospitals round here. Lots of information and contacts.

Sorry for your loss, it is very hard especially if you feel he could have had more help.

Original poster

Dontpanic · 27/12/2009 21:58

QoW thanks, can you send to dougggie dot arnold at gmail dot com?

thanks so much
x

OP posts:

QueenofWhatever · 27/12/2009 22:44

Just sent it to you, let me know if it doesn't arrive.

Chuffinnora · 27/12/2009 23:01

I'm so sorry for you loss.

The only advice I can add is try not to worry about money. My Dad had a modest work pension and a state pension. Completely unexpectedly mum had a large lump sum payout from the work pension when he died and her state pension is enough for her to live comfortably enough without touching her savings, even though she did not work for most of her life - they took my dad's contributions into account.
I know everyone's circumstances are different but if your dad worked all his life and paid his stamp your mum should be OK.
Truly my thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time.

Chuffinnora · 27/12/2009 23:04

Also dad died intestate (no will) but as he wasn't married to anyone else ever and has no dependent children it mostly hasn't been a problem.

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