Dads..

[catbus]

Really sorry but this is going to be a long one. I haven't been on MN for very long, so have only just discovered this 'outlet'..
My Dad died 18 months ago, in a road crash. My Mum was driving and survived. The pain of the last 18 months has been unbearable. It waxes and wanes now. The crash happened abroad, so I went to get to my Mum in hospital, and to see my Dad. Although I am glad I went to see him, sometimes that image of him dead will not go away, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep. I wanted to see him, to stop me looking for him; to be sure they'd got it right. It was such a violent death, that I am having trouble with the whole thing really. I try to be strong for my Mum, who is struggling still, especially with flashbacks. My kids loved him so very much; particularly my middle dd. My son was just 5 months old when he died and will never have any memories of his Grandad.
6 months after, we went to Australia to stay with dh's parents. His Dad had cancer but was doing really well. He died very suddenly whilst we were there. My kids' world blew apart all over again, and I am haunted by images of my husband trying to recussitate his father. It was horrific. I am being as strong as I can for dh, but he seems to be coping better than me!
It was a mixed Christmas last year, as I so wanted to be with Mum on her first time without him, but also being there in Oz for dh and mil as he died 2 weeks before Christmas.
On the first anniversary of Dad's death, we scattered Dad's ashes as a family, and because my Mum was physically better. I was doing this knowing that the baby I was carrying had died; missed miscarriage.
It just feels like the last 18 months have been hell. We had to sell our home due to impending repossession in June and now it feels like nothing in my life is stable anymore. I feel like an increasingly angry and lonely person, shouting at the kids too often and mood swinging a plenty. It's like my world has shifted and I don't know who I am anymore.
Sorry for the long rant; I thought I had friends to talk to about this, but after a couple of months, it seemed they didn't want to listen anymore! Can't blame them really!
Any advice on how to move on a bit would be great.

Oh sweetheart, I have no words except to hope that next year brings better things for you and your family.

Much Love x

Have you had/are you having any counselling? It has been an awful 18 months for you and you would benefit from having an outlet and someone to help you navigate your feelings etc

Oh my goodness, what a horrendous time you and your family have had, and I am so sorry.

Unfortunately I've had to deal with a fair few bereavements over the past few years, and I do think that Cruse could help you. They have very sympathetic, trained counsellors and the service is free to use. You can find your local service at www.cruse.org.uk

This might be helpful for your mum too.
Regarding the flashbacks and feeling that you are "stuck" or unable to move on, you could ask your GP to refer you for some cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which can be very helpful in dealing with traumatic memories and learning how to get your mind to put them in the past properly. Sounds a bit odd, but a CBT therapist would be able to explain it properly.
In the meantime you could ask your GP about anti-depressants/mood stabilisers, although they are not the answer in the long-term (in my humble opinion).

I am so sorry for what you've been through, and I hope you and your family manage to enjoy Christmas and look forward to a more stable year ahead.

Btw, mood swings / feeling that your world has shifted etc are very common after a bereavement, more so after such traumatic ones, so you are not alone, and the professionals are used to dealing with them.

Talk to your GP, as others have said counselling and some drugs would help, with processing all you have seen and been through.

You have been through so much, I wish you well. Please go and see your GP.

Dear catbus, what a truly awful pile of things! I haven't got much practical advice, but did notice that you mentioned "I am being as strong as I can for dh, but he seems to be coping better than me!"

Please don't try to "be strong" at the expense of dealing with your own feelings. It's hard, and, yes, adults have to get on with things sometimes, but please be sure that you acknowledge your feelings, and your right to them (for instance, of course you are affected, too, by a death in your DH's family, so don't think you have only got the right to cry over your family. And vice versa).

Good luck.

Thankyou all..truely appreciated. I am waiting on CBT, but think I will give CRUSE a bash; at least I won't be offloading on a friend! Christmas was much better than I thought and in some ways I feel a corner has been turned; I really was bricking it about how weirdly unfestive I felt, but that kind of melted away after a while and seeing how strong my Mum can be. Onwards and upwards I hope (with a bit o rollercoastering in between)..