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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

For those who have lost their mum - do you find...

16 replies

EmilyStrange · 18/12/2009 00:06

...raising your own children without your mum to turn to, talk things over, give you a boost etc horribly isolating and depressing. Sometimes I feel so alone and my children can be a stark reminder of what I have lost. I never talk about it so maybe this would be a comforting thread for those in the same boat.

OP posts:

LittleMontyontheDustyRoad · 18/12/2009 00:17

Yes, it can feel lonely.

Do you ever get that little split second where you think she's still around, and you ask her a question in your head, or very briefly think to phone her up.

Here's to you Mum. x

Original poster

EmilyStrange · 18/12/2009 00:20

Yes and loads of dreams but they are often not that nice. My MIL means well but is so different it just highlights what I am missing. Plus my sil is due any day and I am so envious not just of a lovely newborn but that she has her mum by her side all the time. I thnik I better go to bed before I get too upset and stay up all night dwelling. But would love to return to this thread tomorrow.

OP posts:

Tortington · 18/12/2009 00:21

no my mum wasn't that kind of mum. I lost my nan in feb, and i miss her so very much. every day - something small is a reminder. She used to say "you're a good little mum" and remind me of good things i'd done when the kids were smaller - things i forget - becuase i always remember the bad things!

i could talk to her about anything and she would always remain impartial - if anything she would remind me of the good things that i was forgetting about the other person ( DH usually!)

WhatSheSaid · 18/12/2009 00:21

Yes, sometimes.

Want to ask her about when I was a baby/toddler, did I do the same things as dd is doing, etc. Also want to boast tell her when dd is doing new things and it's not the same telling other people

BlackLetterDay · 18/12/2009 02:48

God yes I really do. I used to phone my Mum constantly (even though we lived 200 miles apart). I loved her so much and we were so close . I really miss not being able to ask her random questions about my upbringing, I just miss her really. I cannot believe that it has been 3 years since her death.

It really seems like about 10 mins ago, I haven't gotten over her death at all. I held her whilst she died and tbh it was the worst thing that has ever happened(to me). I replay it in my mind constantly and cannot believe that it has been so long. I can't cope with it all tbh and drink far too much

InDulciJumpilo · 18/12/2009 07:10

My mum died when I was 5 so having a dd is a very odd experience in that I have no idea what mother/daughter relationships are meant to be - dad never remarried. Plus whenver I ask dad what they did in certain baby situations he just shrugs and says "I can't remember" will come back later to talk more

RubysReturn · 18/12/2009 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonadesparkle · 18/12/2009 07:43

Absolutely. I lost my mum 6 years ago and still miss her every single day . I too get the urge to call her when something happens that no-one else would take pleasure in and I'd normally share with her and the awful dreams where I wake and momentarily think she is still alive .

I have a dh who is in the armed forces and therefore away for months on end and pretty much uncontactable. My children have no grandparents . My SIL has no idea what it feels like as she has a mother who is constantly with her, helping out etc etc. I do feel isolated by it.

There are days when things happen when you just wish you could speak to someone - the children are ill and you need a mother's advice; need to get some perspective on an issue and tell you if you are/are not over reacting; be reassured or just a word that lets you know you will get through.

My older children had several wonderful years creating memories with her. But I look at my beautiful youngest DC and it breaks my heart to think that she will never see how wonderful he is or him to know her love.

Aubergines · 18/12/2009 08:17

My mum died 5.5 years ago leaving me with no living parents, grandparents or siblings. My mum was my best friend and I miss her everyday. She never met my DCs but longed for me to have them.

Not having my mum to share in the joy of my girls is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I would love to be able to call on her for advice and support and just to share little things the girls have done. I am so sad for her that she missed this stage of my life that she had so looked forward to.

As it is I only have DH who shares my excitement about the kids. There is no extended family to love them unconditionally as only family can. DH's parents are nice but they seem to have chosen to stay quite emotionally distant and, as a previous poster said, MiL is so different to my Mum that seeing her just highlights the loss.

One thing that helps is that I talk to my eldest about my mum quite a bit and she is genuinely fascinated to learn about her grandma. We look at photos and I tell her stories and she asks lots of questions. So I feel that in some way Mum's memory will live on through my DCs.

MrsSantosnotSanta · 18/12/2009 08:20

yes - because now I understand that unconditional sort of love that mothers feel. We had lots of issues but loved each other. There is no one now who will ever care about me as much as she did (and be interested in the small stuff). I hate that my kids have no grandma (MIL also died) and the older one "invents" one sometimes My mum died quite a long time ago and I felt a whole new wave of grief when the DCs were born.

I wish people who have mums alive would appreciate them a bit more (I know lots of people do). I don't even mean when they help with practical stuff - just having someone there to mother you a bit. No one does that when you are an adult - which is how is is probably supposed to be but it does leave a hole

Doozle · 18/12/2009 08:30

It was really brought home to me last week when I went to the theatre with DD and there were loads of grans there on a special day out with their grandkids. Made me feel so sad ... glad for them but sad for us.

cyteen · 18/12/2009 09:41

MrsSantos, I had the same thing re. the new wave of grief after DS was born. My mum died nearly 20 years ago, when I was a teenager, and becoming a mum myself meant adding a whole new layer to my understanding of the things I've lost through her death. Now, as well as not being able to get to know her as an adult, ask her advice about work/love/whatever, laugh and joke about everyday stuff, I also can't find out what her pregnancies were like, how she felt to become a mum, what we were like as LOs, whether DS is anything like my brother and I were. She will never know her beautiful grandson and he will never know the warm, funny, talented and clever grandmother he should have had.

It's just gutting, tbh. My dad has remarried and while his wife will be a lovely granny in many ways (the most important ones, I guess - she loves DS and is very cuddly with him), she's negative and narrow-minded in her approach to life.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 18/12/2009 09:47

Yes. I have lost my mum and dad neither of them got to meet my children and I find this so sad. Mil is fab but not the same. I wish i could speak to my parents now i'm a parent. There's so many questions id like to ask that now I can't. I think once you become a parent you grieve for what you/they will miss rather than what went before iyswim.

MrFibble · 18/12/2009 09:51

It's been over 15 years since my Mum died and I miss her every single day. There is so much that I want to ask her and so much I want to share with her. I want to show her the two beautiful grandchildren she never met. Time makes it easier but sometimes I just cry. She shouldn't have died so young. My Dad is amazing and I love him to bits but he can't remember some of the things I want to know about my babyhood that Mum would be able to share with me.

cyteen · 18/12/2009 09:53

Yeah, my dad is pretty forgetful as well. He was away for much of our childhoods (working on a ship) so missed out on loads anyway. Now that my brother is dead too, there's no one but me who remembers any of the day to day stuff, and a lot of that is foggy. It is so shit that DS has no gran, no uncle and will have no cousins on my side Plus I worry about how to introduce their absence to him when he's older (he's 15mo) because I know it will raise a lot of worrying questions for him (mum killed herself, bro died of cancer).

MummyDragon · 19/12/2009 09:49

Yes - like Aubergines I have no parents, grandparents or siblings. I really miss being someone's daughter, and everything that entails - the unconditional love, support, the unspoken bond that makes you feel part of something special.

I have just bought "Motherless Daughters" (as recommended by someone on MN) but haven't plucked up the courage to open it yet. I'm emotional enough at this time of year already!

My DS was nearly 4 when my mum died, so he remembers her quite well (he's 5 now) and talks about her constantly. Sometimes it's lovely; sometimes it's so bloody hard I just want to scream.

Am going to my parents' grave next week - I need to touch base with my old self, if that makes any sense?

Thanks for starting this thread EmilyStrange.

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