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Bereavement

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Terminal illness and personality changes

9 replies

Annabelsmum · 15/12/2009 13:12

Sorry if this doesn't belong in bereavement...I didn't know where to put it exactly, because it feels as though the person has sort of gone already, in a way

What it is is that someone I know and am very close to, has cancer. The outlook is not very good and obviously she is going through a huge variety of emotions, which must be terrible. But she's changed.
It's not that she has become very angry or horrible or anything like that, but she will sometimes say things that she never would have done before this - she is behaving differently, as though somehow this horrible illness has got hold of her personality as well and is slowly taking the person we know and love, far far away from us all.

Maybe it is just that she has had to adapt to a new way of coping, and is just unsure who she is any more...I just miss her, and wondered if this was normal.

I never thought I would abandon our friendship in these circumstances, and would stay to the end, but at the moment it's as though I'm not sure what to say to her, because the things she is saying are so odd, and not the kind of thing I know how to respond to.

Can anyone shed any light, maybe it is more common than I thought, for a person this poorly to change in other ways iyswim.

I really hope the way I have worded this doesn't offend anyone. It has just come as a shock how much this illness can do to a person, and I don't know how to get across the barrier.

Thankyou.

OP posts:
Annabelsmum · 15/12/2009 13:15

What I mean is, sorry, I won't leave her alone to deal with this, I couldn't do that, but I can see why some people might feel uncomfortable being around her now.

It's like it isn't her any more.

OP posts:
LilySwalLoosHerTurkeyBaster · 15/12/2009 13:19

Hi i have had first hand experience of someone i love suffering with terminal cancer unfortunately.
Am also supporting my bf whose mum has terminal cancer too and struggling with the things you are talking about.

Often treatments and types of cancer can contribute to changes in behaviour , mood swings etc.
Also i am sure the person is angry and this will come out , more often in front of those they trust and know well.

I am very sorry you are going through this but i would urge you to try and find a way through this , there are many support networks for cancer sufferers and their family/friends , Mcmillan , hospices etc
Sadly afterwards it will be too late for regrets.

LadyBlaBlah · 15/12/2009 13:19

Sorry to hear about your mum

My dad died of cancer earlier this year and I noticed the same sort of thing and from what I can gather it is pretty common. I put it down to my dad having pancreatic cancer which is responsible for hormone production etc. so there was a logical reason why his behaviour might change. The whole thing is just horrific from start to finish however, and I really feel for you in this horrendous journey you have ahead of you.

Please don't take any of it personally or to heart.

Annabelsmum · 15/12/2009 13:23

Thankyou I am glad to know it is fairly usual with this illness

Maybe it is something to do with hormones. No, I really won't be walking away, honestly, and am doing all I can to stay right there beside her but it is a bit tricky when you find yourself lost for words.
I suppose this is just me saying that I'm already grieving, in a way - she's just never going to be the same person that I have known for so long.

That person has kind of gone, and it hurts.
I'm sure it is a lot, lot worse for her though. How does anyone get through something like this - it's incomprehensible. I reckon I would be changing in some ways if it were me.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
MostHighlyFavouredLady · 15/12/2009 13:30

Just to add, this happened during my dad's illness several years ago, and we were told it was one effect of the steroids he was taking.

In fact, I remember seeing my BIL who'd been diagnosed with MS and was on a course of steroids, and his behaviour was much different from normal - not unpleasant in this case, just a much more extrovert, almost hysterical version of himself.

Hope you find a way through.

onlyjoking9329 · 21/12/2009 11:38

it could be down to the drugs but also could be down to them trying to emotionally distance themselves from the people they are going to leave behind.
My DH was at times aggressive and verbally abusive, yet he was usually a calm and peaceful man.
he had cancer in his brain which altered him massively.
try not to take it personally and find someone that you can off load to when you can.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 21/12/2009 11:50

My dad has cancer and we have all noticed that he has changed slightly. tbh at the moment he has become more blunt, saying things and in a way that he wouldn't have done before. We thought it was normal and due to his treatment.

fwiw my dad was completely unaware

WingedVictory · 06/01/2010 22:59

I saw this with my old neighbour, and also my godfather, both being more snappish than they ever were before, and in the case of the neighbour, those moments were very different from her very sweet nature.

If it's not bad-temperedness through being in pain, it's not unreasonable to think that people have different insights when they are very ill. They will be thinking about how they lived their lives, wondering what if is like to be interested in different things, suddenly notice new things and have new ideas. Maybe they are experimenting toward the end, with little time left to lose. Tolstoi wrote a novella called "The Death of Ivan Il'ich", in which a man is slowly dying of cancer, and noticing new things all the time, realising things about his life, getting sick of the comme il faut (what is accepted and acceptable) and of the superficial life he has lived. Sadly, his relatives are extremely distressed by this, mostly because he realises they are shallow people.

Perhaps if would be interesting and liberating for you to let the conversation flow away from normal channels. Imagine you are both a bit drunk and let idle conversation go in new directions. I hope you are both able to enjoy the new ideas....

PussinJimmyChoos · 06/01/2010 23:08

My Granddad died from cancer in August. It had spread to his bones and when his calcium levels went high, it changed his personality massively....sometimes he would be so direct it was funny, other times it was hurtful but we knew it was the cancer making him like this and so we just held on to that fact and went with the flow where possible.

Its very very hard to see. The thing with cancer is that you lose the person they were before they have even gone and that's so hard for the loved ones to see.

You sound like you are doing all you can and the Macmillan website has a lot of information if you haven't already looked on there

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