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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Christmas - Can't bring myself to start things

13 replies

anastasia74 · 07/12/2009 14:07

Hi, still struggling with the christmas preparations.

Usually have my tree bought and decorated by now. But can't bring myself to do it,get upset when I think about going to buy a tree. Knowing my dad will never see it.

We used to have a right laugh christmas day when we were all together.

It just doesn't feel right doing it - eventhough I know my dad would want us to carry on as normal.

Just think its going to make things even more painful.

My daughter is away at uni. so don't have the reason to trim up for the children etc.

Just feel down today. Hugs to anyone going through similar.

OP posts:

gingerbreadlatte · 07/12/2009 18:47

Hello

Didnt want you post to go unanswered. I am sorry you are feeling like this.

When your daughter is back from Uni, perhaps you could do some preparations together?

jellyrolly · 07/12/2009 19:07

Hi anastasia74, I feel for you it's so hard doing the first Christmas, birthdays any anniversarys etc.

Maybe you don't have to get all Christmassy if you don't feel like it? Your dad would want you to do whatever was best for you and if you don't feel like covering everything in tinsel I'm sure everyone would understand. It's hard to feel happy and sad at the same time and people expect a lot from you when you are bereaved.

My first Christmas without my mother I spent it with friends who didn't celebrate for religious reasons. They ended up getting drunk and fighting, the police were called, it was like an episode of Eastenders. I couldn't have got further away from the Christmas spirit, it was perfect

You will get through this, Christmas is very hard. x

Original poster

anastasia74 · 07/12/2009 19:56

Hi thanks ginger and jelly for your comments.

Just feel quite down today. Back at work tomorrow - so won't be able to dwell on my thoughts - Think it might be an idea for me going out for the day when she comes home and leaving dh and dd to get things done. Don't really feel I can do it somehow. Tree lights etc.

Anyway, not long now. then it will all over for another year. Ideally would have liked to go away. But would not leave my mum on her own.

Jelly your experiences brought a smile. thanks

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 07/12/2009 20:14

All you have to do is get through this year. Next year will be hard in a different sort of way but once you've got past this one you will never have to do the first Christmas without your dad again. It must be terribly hard right now, but every day you are moving forward. If a tree is really hard to imagine - well do you have to have one? What about a cool modern lit one that you don't have to decorate but that just sits there looking elegant and flash? If the old traditions are too painful this year then what about new ones? Have lunch later than you're used to because you've had a wonderful breakfast. Do a walk in the morning, go to church, play energetic family games? Just get through things by changing it around so that it isn't a blow to the heart all day.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 07/12/2009 20:23

oh i do feel for you anastasia74, there is not right or wrong you know. My lovely dad died 4 years ago now (i cant believe its been that long) and the sadness never really leaves - but it becomes less acute and its good to remember the good times. I think thats the thing - there does come a time when it doesn't hurt (as much) to remember.

Make a day when your DD will do the tree, go out and do something else if you want, be there if you want.

I actually think you should definately have the tinsel etc, even if you dont feel like it, and i totally understand, its almost like you want to pretend its not xmas, but it will be and there is no escaping it really - so not doing your traditional things and having deccies up might be worse because they will be conspicuous in their absence.

So sorry for your loss xx

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 07/12/2009 20:25

northern lurker said what i forgot to say, doing it slightly differently is also a good way to cope.

CommonNortherner · 09/12/2009 14:33

I completely understand, my dad died on the 24th of November of pneumonia, I was with him in icu, though he was heavily sedated. At least for me I have a 5 year old and so I know I need to do things for him even though I couldn't care less. I've only just got round to moving furniture to make way for the tree. I can't face baking and our last phone conversation included him checking that I was making figgy pudding again this year

PotPourri · 09/12/2009 14:37

So sorry for those of you that are suffering at the moment. Christmas is such a contrast when you are dealing with grief. Why not put a few bits up each day and don't beat yourself up about not getting into the spirit.

LunaticFringe · 09/12/2009 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CommonNortherner · 10/12/2009 14:49

huge hugs Lunatic.

At the Christmas market I actually bought a black felt heart for the tree. It felt so right. When we went back to sit with my dad after he'd died he was in a shroud, all ruffled at the neck, and with his slightly long grey hair and fluffy white beard he looked so Victorian. It kind of goes.

DrNortherner · 16/12/2009 09:54

Hi everyone. Ana, and everyone else who is grieving I know how you feel.

My dad died in April and I am dreading CHristmas, the anticipation of it is making me fall apart somewhat.

On Sunday evening I put up my decorations and tree with ds who is 7 and held it together till he went to bed, then I just crumbled and have felt low ever since.

Last year Mum and Dad spent Christmas at our house, and this year it will be just my MUm....

I think also coming to the ensd of the yaer makes you look back and reflect, and it is only just starting to dawn on me what a difficult time I have had this year. I lost my dad and my job - 2 constants in my life.

I feel emotional, tired and weary. I'm usually the one who makes things happen in our house and I feel I don't have the energy to do it.

Thinking of you all.

drivinmecrazy · 16/12/2009 10:03

An innocent visit to the card shop set me off yesterday, choosing a card for my Mum. I spent what seemed like an age staring at the rows and rows of christmas cards for Dads. DD (4) just stared in disbelief as tears started streaming down my face. My Dad died 18 months ago and he is still greatly missed.
Strangely, both my girls have had 'visitations' from him recently. On Sunday they were with a neighbour who told me her front door opened and she sensed some one else was in the house, DD2 turned to her an said it was Ok cos it was just her RG (knickname for Grandad) come to say hello.
Few weeks ago DD1 (9) said her bedroom door blew open and she said calmly 'close the door RG' and it shut again.
Sunday evening Our bedroom door opened and 'someone' came in. I asked which of the girls it was, expecting it to be one of them sneaking into bed but there was no one there.
To me and the children these occurrences have been quite comforting, it's just my Dad reminding us he is still here for christmas

mumoverseas · 16/12/2009 12:08

anastasia I know exactly how you feel. This christmas will be my first as an orphan. Lost dad 5 years ago and mum 6 months ago.
Last year mum stayed with us when we were back in the UK and I'm dreading christmas day this year when I will be thinking of her sitting at the table with us last year. At least we won't be back at our UK house so it will be a bit different and we've now arranged to go out for lunch as I don't feel like cooking. Need to try to make it special for DD (3) and DS (10 months though)

Lovely idea to put the black decoration on the tree, wish I could do something like that but can't get tree decorations very easily out here.

I've set up an online memorial page for mum and dad with GOSH and have donated what I would have spent on sending Christmas cards and on Christmas day will make another donation in lieu of their presents. GOSH was their favourite charity so I think they'd like that. Feels wrong/odd not buying anything for mum this year

Hope everyone gets through it ok x

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