My biological dad has died and i dont know where to turn

[Broodymomma]

I found out by reading the obituaries on Thursday that my father who I have not seen in 15 years died of cancer on Wednesday.

He was very abusive towards my mother and left her when I was 4 years old, he flitted in and out of my life for a while and that last time I seen him I was 17. He never had it in him to be a father if I am honest.

So why am I so upset? I managed to contact his family through the hospice where he died and took the opportunity to view his body on Friday - I also put a letter in with all the things I had ever wanted to say, but it does not feel enough.

He knew he was dying for 5 months and never once tried to find me to put right his wrongs. His friends have been very honest with me when I asked if he had wanted to see me they said he replied "no its too late" they told me they begged him ti let them find me.

I feel robbed of my chance of seeing him alive one more time and getting answers to the many questions I have. I am honestly a wreck and I cant snap out of it. He has not included me in his will or even left as much as a letter for me incase I did find out he had passed.

My whole leife I have felt abandoned and rejected and in his death he has done it all over again. It was like a joke, I went to the funeral and went in last and every single seat was tken, the only 2 people having to stand were dh and I. It was just like he got the last laugh from above.

I have not received a card from anyone - i know it sounds silly but its like i keep getting constant hits on the head saying "you dont matter" - I feel heartbroken and always thought when this day came i would dance on his grave for what he done to my mother. I just feel so sad and dont know where to turn. Just had to write it all down.

How horrific for you

My good friends mum died of cancer this year and she never righted her wrongs either.......and she said the same - its too late.

I lost my dad earlier this year and I think it is horrific whatever your relationship. Its something biologically programmed into us.

Take care of you.

I also send you a virtual "Sorry for your loss " card

That is so kind thank you. So sorry for your loss too.

I feel very strange, not in the slightest how I thought I would feel when this day came

This all sound to be a really horrible situation. Certainly somebody should have taken the responsibility for making certain that there was a front row seat for you and DH! As to just leaving you standing like you hardly knew the deceased: well I'm just astonished!

If you go through the postings on Mumsnet you will find similar stories of abusive parents who never "saw the error of their ways". It might help you to know you are not alone.

Hello Broodymooma - how are you getting on?

I've just got to ask about "I found out by reading the obituaries on Thursday that my father who I have not seen in 15 years died of cancer on Wednesday."

Nobody thought to tell you? You were reading the obituaries (I thought only I did that and then only in the Times) and found your Dad's name?

I am very surprised that this thread hasn't generated more interest and support. Come on folks, wake up.

So sorry broodymama. There is no logic in the heart.

DH felt like this about his dad. FIL wasn't abusive but he did behave selfishly and callously to his children and his ex. Basically he walked out and left everyone hanging for years. His children became as add-on to his life from then on. But by the time he died they had some sort of relationship but even so he never said sorry or tried to make up in any way for what he had done. DH took a long time to get over it. Years. No wonder you feel so lost and hurt.

Broodymoma what a horrible way to find out. It seems to me like it wasn't just your father who was weak and selfish, but those around him who didn't tell you the news themselves. You deserve so much more.

You WERE his daughter and extremely important to him even if he didn't realise or refused to acknowledge that.

I don't know how you can move on from here after such a big hurt and rejection. I would certainly recommend counselling and would have thought your story compelling enough for you to get it on the NHS.

A friend of mine recently lost her estranged dad and he even went as far as to specify in his will that she and her sisters couldn't have anything. All they wanted was keepsakes and some meaningful thing to try to fill the gap left by his absence in their lives.

I'm so sorry broody and so sorry not to have seen this thread earlier. I hope you come back and don't feel abandoned by MN too!!

Thank you so much to the last 3 ladies who have replied. Really means a lot to me.
As to how I out it was actually my mum that seen it and told me. When I questioned his friends they told me they asked him to let them find me but he told them that i would reject him and he could not handle that. In truth he had a nice little life with them and they knew nothing of the bad things he had done and if i had came back he ran the risk of me telling them everything. That is the truth.

Since last posting I have had the opportunity to piece his life together and went and seen the flat he lived in, stupid things like seeing what clothes he wore and the car he drove. I have never received as much as a sympathy card and it feels like a contsant hammer on my head that i did not matter.

In turth I am heartbroken and feel like i fraud - infront of my own family i have to be normal as my mum would be so hurt if she knew how upset i was, she feels good ridance and i dont blame her for what he done.

As for finding me i have a new name since marrying so it would have been hard for them to even if he wanted to see me. He held his own wake 2 weeks before he died and had my photos up - it was like he wanted to play thr hard done by father and i think a few people have been shocked since meeting me that i am not what he said. I would have been there for him and i just dont know what to do with how i am feeling.

He did not even leave me a letter or anything. His friend sent me a package today with lots of photos and personal things like his birth and death certificates. I am glad she thought to give them to me. As for his will he has left everything to a friend he has known 5 years - says it all.

Thanks to you all for replying to me, i know people are busy and did not really expect replies i just needed to write down how i was feeling. It hurts so much and i feel like nothing. I keep telliny myself you cant miss what you never had but i do. I will never have the chance to put this right - he must have hated me.

Hi

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have no contact with my parents, with my mother it is my choice. I never had any contact with my father until his mum, my Nana, was dying 4 years ago and we spoke a few times. DH wrote him a letter and I never heard from him again. I sometimes wonder how I will feel when either of them die. I thought I would feel free when my nana died (long story) but it turned out I do but also don't.

You have lost as much as anyone else in the family and it is wrong that they don't accept that.

My nana told me I was to sit in the front row at her funeral but as it was I couldn't go as I was 9 months pregnant.

Sorry Broody. You must be hurting so much.
I think it's almost worse that you have to pretend not to be hurting to protect your mum. To say it's simply good riddance is way too simplistic and your mum must understand that. Your feelings are more important than hers on this matter because he was YOUR dad and we only have one biological dad.

I'm so sorry it makes you feel worthless. I know so many men who have moved away and abandoned their children and have talked to other men about it. I think that most do it because they can't bear the hurt. They just need to protect themselves and try as best they can to open a whole new compartment and move on.

It's different for women. We can't close off like this in the same way. I'm sure at some level he really did love you and it's his failing that he was unable to do the right thing and contact you or at least leave a letter. I know it's hard but you have to try not to let his failing become a comment on you. It really isn't.

I really think that counselling would help you and that you'd have every chance of getting some on the NHS if you told your GP the story.

As for feeling like an imposter ... the loss is worse for you than almost anyone. After all at least they got to know him well and had time with him. You didn't and now never will and you're his own flesh and blood.

This is so sad for you Broody and I hope you can give yourself plenty of time for grieving as it's going to take some time.

You seem to have made a good start by writing down your feelings on here. You will always find help on here and I will keep coming back to check the thread.

xx

Broody

I can understand where you are coming from completely - my dad was an alcoholic and him and mum split up when i was a baby - there was sporadic contact until i was about 6. He let me down again big style when i was 13 - he died when i was 17 - he was living in a hostel for homeless - he had a member of his families tel no with him - he could have contacted any of his family but he chose not to.

I wish Id had that last opportunity to say something - that something flits between I hate you you bastard how could you have walked away from your family to i wish id known you I wish i could have been in your life so at least i had some memories - how could you abandon me and your other children (who i incidentally met at the funeral)

The funeral was a joke - the vicar sat and told everyone what a caring father he was ???

There was a photo of him with a little girl sat on his lap - a neighbour who he loved - what about me i want to scream

Sorry it doesnt get easier - the questions are still there but the answers arent.

Im welling up now and i try not to think about him- he certainly didnt think about me too much.

I hope you can try and get some "closure" and i hope it helps that other people have been there - by the way i was 17 when he died - its now 17 years ago! and i still get angry/upset and guess i will continue to do so

Dear Broodymomma,
I am so sorry that your very existence served as a shame for your father, but perhaps you can think of yourself as the conscience he could not give in to, the representation of all that is fine, and which gave him pain. For you, this is pretty crap, as who wants to be associated with someone's shame, or to be slagged off like that? Who, even, wants her father to be in the position that he denies something good because he can't face it?

You are not a fraud; you meant enough for your father to make a point of not wanting to mention you till quite late on (at his wake?!), but it's impossible to cut a daughter out that comprehensively. Therefore, you must have been with him, your image beside him.

My interpretation is not a comforting one, and I'm very sorry - who wants to be a Nemesis when she can be acknowledged as a real person and a child with rights to be ackowledged? But it seems very clear to me that the idea of you was there beside him, and that you are not a fraud.

Other posters: I was overwhelmed by your stories and by the lengths dying people will go to, to hide from themselves to the end. FabIsVeryHappy, I know just how you feel about your nana; I have a feeling I will feel the same when my aunt goes. However, she's a stubborn woman, and I can't think of a way to make up with her without sounding accusing, so will have to settle for making a truce with her. Of course, that is nowhere near enough for an idealist, but on the other hand, I don't know whether I am deft and clever enough not to hurt her....

Ah, life! People! Idiots, both!

Really sorry to here this, so complicated.

I think the hardest thing is that you are never going to get any of the answers you would like.

My Dad died in odd, wierd circumstances, found out he had Aids 2 days b4 he died, he told me it was cancer. I talked to people he was around near the end, but it hardly shed any light on stuff that gave me any resolution or sense of peace.

After a long while, I decided that I had taken it all as far as I could searching to answers and meaning and drew a line under it all. It took years for me to do so. And if it helps you to look for answers like I did, knowing you may never get any, you carry on and do it.

I think that sometimes there just is no 'why?' iyswim, there will always be unanswered questions as to why people do the things they do, things that seen so insane, wierd, nosensical, hurtfull etc, things you would never do yourself and you can never quite get your head around it, ever.

SO sorry, I want to hug you and tell you that you can and will find strength and peace through this,.

Broody, I am so sorry that you have been forced to deal with the loss of your father is such a terribly difficult way.

FWIW, I think that your father's failure to contact you towards the end has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person or how he felt about you as a person, after all he did not know you.

I think that when people have behaved very badly they know at some level just how awful they have been, and the knowledge festers away at the back of their mind. But to bring that knowledge out, to admit what they have done, to face the person they have hurt is simply too difficult - it would fracture the carefully constructed image they prefer to see in the mirror. Instead, they continue to hide the knowledge, deny what they have done. Although this is a natural reaction, it is also very selfish because it focuses on the needs of the individual instead of the needs of the person who was hurt by their actions.
I think you father sounds very selfish, and his actions were always about him and he never even took you feelings and needs into consideration.

I hope you find the strength to grieve, and then move on with your life.