How to help my friend ??

[crystaltips]

My friend had many tries at IVF and eventually gave up with no success. However, months later she got pregnant naturally and was totally thrilled. BUT she miscarried at 3 months and the baby would have been due this July. I cannot remember the due date - I know that it knocked her for six and I cannot help thinking about her and her imagining "what might have been".
HOw do I comfort her - do I bring it up first ? I don't want her to think that I have not remembered - but - I don't want to remind her of something so painful. Help please ?

I would send a card saying that you are thinking of her and that although she lost her baby you realise that he/she is still a part of her life. My sister lost a baby at 17 weeks over two years ago, and I know that she still likes to remember her on what was her due date, and that she gratefully receives my card... Everyones different though and you know your friend... Just telling you my experience of it, I know my sister still finds it extremly painful but would hate it if she thought that sophie (as she called her) had been a forgotten part of our family.

How often do you see your friend? If you see her just a gentle hint that you know there is a difficult anniversary coming up would probably be a great comfort.

I had a m/c three years ago and still get upset around the time of year the baby would have been born or when the m/c happened. Sadly the only person who even realises its an issue is my mum. DH tries but it happened before we got together so I don't think he understands how much the whole thing hurt.

I hope you friend is ok and glad to have a friend to even notices these things. I'm quite bitter over the fact that not a single friend of mine acknowledge it then or now. I was 9 weeks gone and it was as if I'd had no more than a bad period to them. Consquently I'm not really friends with any of them now, just see them a couple of times a year.

It must be very tough for your friend after the IVF and all...

Meant to say, a hint because she may or not want to talk about it or mark the occasion. Some people are very private about their grief, or feel that they cannot share it. Also as m/c are often so early, many many who have not experienced one feel that there isn't anything to get upset about, as if it wasn't a 'real' baby, so she maybe feeling like she can't talk about it. This is how I felt for a long time, friends not really helping of course!

Crystaltips, how kind of you to want to let her know that you remember that next month is likely to be very difficult for her. In my experience, your getting in touch will not remind her...it's probably very much on her mind in any case.
Pie is right to say that everyone reacts differently but most people I know who have suffered pregnancy loss, at whatever stage, find it difficult to cope with the fact that many others seem to have forgotten their lost child. My son should have been born in January this year. Friends on Mumsnet and elsewhere mailed, rang or wrote to say they were thinking of us. My family apparently thought it would "bring up painful memories" and let the day go by unmarked. I know whose reaction I found more helpful.
If she is not up to speaking on the phone, a note or card saying you are thinking of her and will be there at the end of a phone if wanted, will, I am sure, be appreciated. Writing gives you the chance to think through what you want to say (you sound a very caring friend) and her the chance to maybe open it when she feels she wants to - she will probably guess why you've written.

crystaltips, I agree with marina, let her know that you haven't forgotten and that if she wants to talk you are there. Don't think you can do much else...

Thanks .... the only problem is that I see her daily - at the school gates. Because I am not sure of the exact date - I don't know when is the best time to mention it.
Any ideas ?

Crystaltips ... your friend is lucky to have friend like you ... you are lovely.
I dreaded the due date of the baby that I lost ... (it was a week and a half ago) and the only person that remembered was a friend of mine who was pregnant with me at the same time. She was so nice and sensitive ... especially as she gave birth to her healthy baby girl a few days after my due date. In all the excitement of her baby's birth she didn't forget and sent me some flowers ... I will always be grateful to her for that.
Like Marina, my family didn't contact me ... thinking it would be best not to bring it up ... I was a bit hurt by that especially as I phoned up everyone to wish them all happy birthday (my brothers and my sister all have birthdays together at the end of May) ...
Even my DH forgot ... when I had a go at him on the day he was horrified that I was still thinking about it ... to him the whole thing ended 6 months ago when I lost the baby.
Mumsnetters were great and I had lots of nice messages from them ...
Bizarrely my period was due on the due date and then a couple of days later I discovered I was pregnant again ... how freaky is that?
Anyway ... I think a nice card to your friend saying that you are thinking of her and if she wants to talk about it then she knows where you are would be a good idea. That way she knows you are there but doesn't have to talk if she doesn't want to ...

crystaltips, i would certainly let your friend know that you haven't forgotten about her baby. even if she doesn't want to talk about it, i think it would help her, nevertheless, just to know that her baby hasn't been forgotten. i lost 2 babies through miscarriage and stillbirth. i know that i wanted and still do want my friends and family to acknowledge my lost babies. in a few months time it will be the first anniversary of losing our stillborn ds and i know i will be so pleased if he gets remembered by people other then myself and my dh. just let your friend know in some way that you've remembered! best of luck

If sending a card to soemone you see every day would seem a bit weird, what about suggesting you meet for a coffee before school pick up or take kids somewhere they can play while you two can talk or go out for a drink or something one evening soon ? You could explicitly say that you're sure she has a lot on her mind at this time of year or something. Or get together with her and see if the subject comes up. Easier than starting a potentially upsetting conversation just before picking up kids from school. HTH

Ghosty, Just to say I am absolutley thrilled for you!!!! I knew this time was going to be hard but what a way to get through it - there couldn't be anything more wonderful for you!!!!
I'm really hoping to start trying in about 3 weeks. Let me feel some of those vibes you've got!!!!!
Lots of love!!
xxxxxxx