What age for a funeral

[ILiveinhope]

My Ex Mil, has been given days to live. She has Pan Cancer, and only became ill a few months ago.

My kids are very close to her, she lives in the next road, and she used to see them all the time.

Kids are 11 and 8.

Questions are:

Should they go to the funeral. Can't let one go and not the other, so all or nothing.

Should I go - my gut instinct is yes. although we have had our issues, since living so near to one another we have got on. And have always put the kids best interests first.

Should DP go. He is their Stepfather to all intents and purposes, and if they do go, I feel that they need all the emotional backing they can get, and that includes him. But I am prepared to be told that this is not the done thing.

He has an OK relationship with MIL / DIL, but he thinks that it is not appropriate.

I am totally stressed out / devasaed / anxious, and really need to hear some opinions that are nonbiased.

I think they are probably old enough to go. I went to my Grandma's funeral when I was 9 (my sister also went and she was 7) I would have been much more upset had I not been able to go and say my goodbyes. I do think you should go but not so sure about your DP - your ex's family may feel it's inappropriate so perhaps just you and the children.

When my MIL died, all her grandchildren were there (youngest was 3 or 4) and they haven't been traumatised by it - we talk about her openly and they remember her without getting upset.

They are definitely old enough to go and I would go so far as to say it would be wrong to deny them this opportunity to say 'goodbye'.

I don't see any reason for your dp going if he didn't know the woman. Surely your ExP would rather just you and the kids.

You and the kids should absolutely go.

Sorry for your loss and all the best.

Sorry to hear you are going through all this, ILive

I think the children are both old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go, & of course you should go whether they do or not. (My brother was 8 when our mother died - I was quite a bit older - & he chose to go)

Not sure about your DP - as he has an OK relationship with them then he is entitled to go as a mark of respect, & if your children do go then it would support them if he is there too.

My son went to a funeral a few weeks ago just before he turned 3. I like you couldnt deny him the chance to say goodbye.

Thank you for your kind words.

The kids are very sad, and I take comfort from the fact that last week we went to visit her at the hospice and she was really looking well.

My 11 year old is deeply upset that Ex H and I have decided not to let them visit again, and remember her as well as she was at that point, and leave them with the best last memory possible.

It did not occur to me that DP would not attend, although we had a arguement heated debate about it today.

My feeling is that they are very very close to DP and his presence would be a comfort to them, and also the 8 year old would not understand why he would not attend to say goodbye.

I shall discuss this all with ExH, because obviously I have not wish to make this situation any more painful for anyone.

I'm sorry to know that you are going through this.

My Dad died of cancer in August and for the last 3 months, I took my Dc's (2 & 10 at the time) over to visit every single day and yes, they watch Grandad fading before them, but they/we made memories every day. Ds was cared for by my Dad from 17 weeks old when I returned to work and they were closer than close and Ds was devastated by my Dads illness and death, but I don't think either of us regret the time spent with Dad. He died a week after Ds turned 11 and both my Dc's attended the funeral with Ds reading a beautiful poem at the mass.

When my own Grandad died I was 11 and was denied the chance to go to his funeral and I have never forgotten it.
So, I guess I am saying that whatever you decide, make sure that none of you have regrets. I think that close family deaths can have lasting effects on children and if they are strong enough, let them see it through to the end with considered explanations and don't hide anything from them. This is just my experience though and I know all children are different.
Also, your Dp is yours and your childrens family, so IMO it is perfectly appropriate for him to attend the funeral to support you all.

fwiw, I wasn't allowed to go to my grandpa's funeral when I was 6.6, I would have chosen to go if I had been asked - though I wasn't given the option.

Sorry to hear this

My own mother's funeral was last week. I chose not to take my 8 year old DS, partly because I know he would have found it too confusing to be worthwhile and I would have found it very difficult to manage him while dealing with my own grief.
My 11 year old niece, however, was fine, but she was already a sturdy girl. I think it depends more on each individual child's temperament rather than their age.

You should go because you knew her and if DP also did, then I think that's fair enough. My ex was invited and made very welcome despite all that had gone before.

I hope the coincidences in our situations give you at least a little insight and whatever you decide, I hope that all goes as well as can be expected

My boys were 8 (nearly 9) and 11 when their grandad (my dad) died. He had had a stroke so we knew he would die but didn't know when. It took 3 weeks. I let mine keep visiting right till the end if they wanted to. Youngest said a couple of days before the end he didn''t want to go any more. Older one said he wanted to be taken back one last time even if he had died, which was what happened. So i collected him from school and whizzed to the hospital and he kissed his grandad goodbye when he was dead but still warm.
I gave them the choice about going to the funeral and they both wanted to. I took them to crem beforehand to show them what would happen so it wasn't strange and scary on the day.
I think you should take them to the funeral if they want to go. I don't think your dp should go.
I think if your kids want to keep visiting while she's still alive you should let them - I feel very strongly about that. THEY will know if they want to stoip.

My children were young when my mum died suddenly. They were 3 and 5 I think and came to her funeral. Many of her friends came and said how lovely it was to have children there. That it gave them something a little more positive and hopeful among all the horridness.

I would always include children in weddings, funerals etc. of anyone close. They are part of the family and part of day to day life... and they are remarkably resilient

(I also think it's somewhat easier to go to a funeral as a child. Funerals are sad, yes, but I don't think they're really confusing or particularly traumatic. Crying is ok.)

I'm sorry for you in this awful time but I'm also a little sad that you won't let your dd see her grandmother again. Surely at 11, she is old enough to know how it will effect her, even if she does look worse? The 'best last memory' might be spoilt for her by resentment that you are denying her time with her grandmother that she might want.

Thank you again, you are all giving me great insight,

i shall speak to exh tomorrow. and let him see this thread.

night, must now try to get some sleep

DP should be there because he is your DP and will support you and the dcs. I took dcs to their grandma's funeral in June and my youngest was only just 7. She was great about it and it certainly brought her closure. Much better for them to be there and understand that death is part of life. I also agree that your older dd should be allowed to visit if she feels able to: you are protecting her from one element of pain but you might be inadvertently inflicting another sad memory as others have already said. IME she will tell you if she can't face it any more.

No one took me to my granddads or favourite aunties funerals and I feel like I never got the chance to say goodbye.
I am now a humanist celebrant and I conduct non religious funerals. I always advise that children should be allowed to attend if they want to.
I believe that death is part of what happens to us all and children have a right to say goodbye in their own way and will feel part of the wider network of support if they attend the ceremony.

Just make sure that they know what is going to happen, and have a chance to express their loss in their own way.

I think they are old enough to go. I wasn't taken to mypaternal grandparents' funerals when I was 7/8 and I wish I had gone and got the chance to say goodbye.
It is my maternal grandmother's funeral next week, and I am taking my son, who is three. To be honest, I don't think he will understand what is happening, but he does know to be quiet in church, and if there is a problem his dad will take him outside.
As for your DP, I think if I were you I would want him there for ME. I can see where he is coming from, though. Do you think your ex-H will mind him being there?

So sorry to hear of this.

My three children (now 15, 14 and 11) have been to several funerals.

I strongly believe in children being able to see the grieving process and being able to say their own good byes.

DS came to my Mothers funeral when he was 6 (and my Fathers when he was 2), it was fine and to be honest gave me something to focus on.