So just found out my nan died this morning

[Sunshinemummy]

...and I just don't know how I feel about it.

I apologise as this is going to be a long one.

Bit of background. While I was pregnant with DD, now 14m, Dad had something of a breakdown involving alcoholism, the police, phone calls all hours of the day and night and ending in divorce from step-mother, brain damage and complete poverty (long story in itself).

I was struggling with the pregnancy as working full-time, had a series of bad chest infections, DH was away a lot so I was on my own with 2yo DS and am also 400m away from dad so found it difficult to deal with the situation with him. It brought back a lot of bad stuff about the way he behaved after mum died when he met and married my step-mum in record time.

Anyhow, I distanced myself from it all a fair bit but was really disgusted about the way my family dealt with it. Firstly they refused to accept anything was wrong, despite clear evidence to the contrary. They left everything to my DB, someone who had been frequently damaged by the way dad behaved since mum died. Then they started being horrible to DB, blaming him for the position dad was in, telling him he wasn't doing enough (he was the only one doing anything) and then accusing him of trying to steal dad's (non-existent) money.

My family are pretty hard work anyway. Nan was Greek and had no sense of tact and acted like some kind of old-fashioned family matriarch, feeling she had a right to tell us what to do. So I decided that I'd concentrate on my own little family, DH, DS and DD, and keep away from the family.

So the upshot is I've seen them once in the last year, have barely spoken to them, apart from DB (dad is now in a home and has a form of alcohol related alzheimers). So now nan has died. I'm a little upset but feel a bit numb. I'm also dreading the thought of having to go up to Yorkshire and see them all (I know DB is dreading seeing them as well).

I don't even know why I'm posting. Just feel the need to order my thoughts somewhat.

Thanks if you got this far.

Oh sunshine, that is so hard Have no advice but thinking of you.

Thanks OmIrian. I feel like I should be crying but I'm not.

I really don't think there is any 'should'.

Before mum died we were a really close family. It destroyed eveything when she went.

You feel how you feel. No rights or wrongs about it. You have reasons for how you feel and your reasons are valid.

If you feel you must go to the funeral then go for the least amount of time you can get away with if you think the rest of the family will drag you down. You are right to concentrate on your little family as they rightly take priority now.

Although I was very close to my maternal grandmother when I was a child, as I grew older and away from her I could see how she treated my mother and the wedge she drove between my mum and her only brother. She was vile. And then she developed something similar to what your Dad has by the sounds of it. When she finally died I hadn't seen her for years. She died on 19 Dec (my sister's birthday) and her funeral was Xmas Eve. I was in China at the time and didn't find out till I phoned home on Xmas Day. And all I could think was "typical of her to ruin everyone's Xmas and Dsis's birthday". And it was typical.

So. Don't feel guilty.

Apologies that I disappeared, I picked up DCs and then have been spending time with them. In bed now thankfully so I have wine and a curry as DH is away again.

Thanks for your message Buda. It's really funny because DH has a similar thing with one of his nan's to yours. His DM was middle child and quite clearly not wanted, treated terribly and has a lot of (very draining) emotional issues because of it. A few years ago DH's nan was treating MIL terribly, grandad was in hospital and they wouldn't let my MIL go and see her dad, then he died. She was disraught, upshot was that DH now no longer speaks to his nan. In a way that makes this a little easier as he fully understands how I feel about all this as he is in a similar position.

Anyway, the guilt has started to set in. I did love my nane, despite everything, and I know she never understood why I pulled away from her, but I felt that, and this is a novel in itself, after everything I'd dealt with after mum died, I needed to protect myself. I only have a limited amount of emotional energy I think, and I wanted to invest it very specifically in DH, DS and DD and my very good friends.

But now I feel like I should have made more of an effort and on top of that there's this niggling feeling that I should be more upset than I am.

Thanks for replying - this is helpful btw. Three years after mum died I had some therapy to deal with a lot of issues I had and this feels similar. It's helping me process things iykwim.

Bump

Bump again. I'm sorry I don't really want to talk to myself.

Sorry you're having to deal with this alone tonight sunshine.

I know exactly what you're saying about how your mum held the family together. Mine died 9 years ago and it was a massive blow to my family. My dad remarried 3 years later but we are very fortunate in that our step mum is truly lovely and she gave us our dad back. Part of him had died with my mum, but the new woman in his life brought him back to life. So I am lucky I guess.

You're right to choose to concentrate just on your own family. My DH is having problems with his family and HD takes great comfort in the fact that me and DD are his closest family now.

Just wanted to add- it's totally normal not to feel like crying. You might at dome point in the future. You might not. It doesn't matter.

And guilt is totally normal part of grief too. Although you have nothing to feel guilty about rationally.

Thanks INALL. Unlike you we weren't lucky in Dad's choice of wife. He met and married her too quickly (mum died in August, he met step-mum in October, got engaged at Christmas and married the following April). She was jealous of us and of mum and she set out to destroy our relationship with dad. She succeeded with DB, he was living by himself in a council flat at 15. With me she made my life a misery for a few years before I had the counselling and the counsellor made me see that she could only make me miserable if I let her.

Anyway she's shown her true colours now and has divorced dad and taken everything (this was while he was in hospital really seriously ill with bleeding on the brain due to the alcoholism). She has his house and she sold his car, cameras and computer equipment and all his music (he's always been a big collector of music). We're not quite sure how she got away with it as he was in no fit state to sign anything and DB is trying to help him get some of it back.

While all the stuff with step-mum was going on family did absolutely nothing. As far as I know they never even criticised dad for throwing us out. So when everything started up with dad again last year, their reactions just disgusted me. Especially the way nan was with my DB who really has no reason to do as much as he has for dad.

I feel so sad about my family. It's such a mess. Luckily what I have with DH and the DCs is wonderful.

I am at your DB living on his own at 15.

So glad your counselling helped you to move on from that toxic situation.

It sounds as if you and your DB are quite close. That's something to hold on to, especially as the rest of your family has drifted apart. Does he live 400 miles away too? Do you get to see each other much?

I think it's important to nurture the relationships that are good and distance the ones that are toxic. I know that sounds really obvious- I guess what I'm trying to say is that you shouln't feel obliged to maintain contact with family members who just upset you just because they're family. Your DB shouldn't feel obliged to give so much support to your dad either- he sounds like a truly exceptional person to do so much for a father who gave his kids so little support when they were teenagers who had just lost their mum

How are you feeling about going to the funeral? Will there be other family members you don't want to see? Have you considered not going or would that just cause more hurt and upset in an already fragile family?
I'm glad you feel so supported and loved within your own family unit. As I said before, they're the ones who truly count now.

My DB and I don't really see each other all the often as he lives up in Yorkshire with everyone else.

He has really come into his own in the last year. We actually fell out during all the stuff with dad but we're friends again now and he has met and married a lovely lady and that has made all the difference. It's helped him let go and lot of his anger and it's helped our relationship no end. He's always wanted children and his wife is pregnant (early days and she has already miscarried once, but fingers crossed).

The bizarre thing is it is definitely much harder for him. Not only because of what happened when we were younger (he was only 13 when mum died) but also because he is definitely considered the family black sheep. I've always been something of a golden child - they've always adored me. Even dad has said (to me not to DB thankfully) that he only ever wanted me. But I just find them suffocating. There's a lot of passive agressive guilt tripping behaviour and I just can't deal with it. I fell like I've had enough iyswim.

Will go to funeral but only as DH is coming too. Would probably not go if he couldn't come. Hopefully step-mum will not turn up as that would be a total nightmare.

How are you sunshinemummy? Do you know when the funeral is?

You've been in my thoughts.

Hi INALL thanks for popping back to the thread.

I'm fine - still numb, although I feel really drained so I'm wondering if that's an effect of this all. It's difficult because I've had quite a tough 18 months and this feel like another thing to deal with, but as a mum of two who works full time and has a DH who works away a lot, I just have to get on with things. Wondering if I might just crash and burn at some point!

Funeral is on Monday at 09:30am. This is a total nightmare for us really as it's so early in the morning and DH is flying to Berlin that evening so we're going to drive up the night before, stay at DB's, go to funeral (kids are going to have to come with us) and drive straight back after it. Not ideal.

The other thing of course is that I'm dreading all the family stuff. I haven't seen dad since the early days of his hospitalisation when, quite frankly, he looked terrible, didn't recognise me and kept asking how my mum was (she's been dead 20 years). I understand he's a lot better now but he still sounds dreadful over the phone and often sounds like he's still drinking. On top of that I believe my step-mum is having the nerve to turn up, despite the fact that she seems to have fleeced my dad out of everything. So expecting fireworks there as dad now says he hates her. Then there's the fact that the rest of my family dislike my brother and constantly criticise him. All in all I can't see this being a nice experience and, tbh, I really really would like to duck out of it...but feel I should be there.