Jealous of Grannies my mum never got chance to be

[waltonsmountain]

My mum died 4 years ago after a long awful fight against cancer. I thought I was dealing with it ok until I had my children...
Now, I have 2 children (3 and 1)and another on the way. Life is really great. But I cannot get past this overwhelming bitterness about the absence of my mum. Some days it seems that everywhere I look I see Grannies having fun with their daughters and grandchildren and it cuts me to the quick. I can't help but feel vile bitterness about what my mum has never got chance to enjoy, what my children are missing, and ofcourse, what I myself, am missing. I find myself glaring at Grannies in playgrounds/supermarkets and then often burst into tears with fresh grief and longing for my supercool mum. She has been robbed of so much and we have a massive void in our family.
Does this bitterness ever go away? I don't like to feel such jealousy. I feel I should almost post this on the AIBU thread as I feel it is not rational. Does it get better with time?

The bitterness goes until someone moans in what I consider an unreasonable and selfish way about their mum.
But it does get better. My DC's never knew my mum either.

It is hard - my mum died 7 weeks before my dd2 was born and I really found it hard that I couldn't tell her about my new baby or her be there for my dd2. Even though she had been a gradmother to my dd1 I still wanted her to be in dd2 life.

Years have past and I still want her to be there for special events but the pain has got better.

I found that when people moaned or moan about there mums I find this hard cos I would gladly swap - which is probably wornd but I would....

I can only tell you from my experience - my dad dies 11 years ago now and sometimes I do feel just as upset, but crucially the times are fewer and further apart.

It is so unfair and so rubbish-he missed my wedding, my 3 kids, my mum and brother doing all sorts of things.

What helps me is keeping his memory alive with my kids 'Grandad Defineme' is talked about often -my 4yrolds and my 7yrold mention him a lot. I look at ds2 and know his humour lives on along with his brown eyes and dd1 has his bashfulness.

3 of my work colleagues lost their dads within a year of me so I suppose that put it in context-it happens to lots of people so you are not alone.

I had some books I got off Amazon. Reading helped explain the grief process to me. I just looked up bereavement on Amazon and there were a few about losing a parent.

Talk talk and talk some more to anyone who'll listen -I spoke to a cruse counsellor on the phone at one point.-it's all I can suggest.

You just feel robbed don't you? You can't help how you feel. I lost my dad in April, I have 1 ds who is 7. So he did get to be a grandad, but he will never see ds grow into a young man which tears me up. What I guess I am trying to say is, when ever we lose our parents we will fel robbed.

I often wonder if my Dad had lived till he was 85 (he died aged 65), I'd be in my fifties and ds would be 27 - would it have been easier to take?

I can't offer any advice as I am a bit in the wilderness myself withy all this. All I can do is say I am walking the same path.

Thanks for all your responses. Good to hear that I'm not alone in feeling like this.

I feel like this, although it was my brother who died young (age 23). I feel sad he will never have got to have been an uncle to my dc's. I think he would have been a great one and a good role model to my ds.

I bet your mum is watching over you and your family. All the best.

My Mum died when my oldest was 16 months. While she was ill and after she died I went through a stage were taking him to the park was almost unbearble as it hurt so much to see grandmothers with their grandchildren. It was such a strong and overwhelming sense of anger and bitterness.

It is now about 5.5 years on and although I still get pangs I try not to think about it too much. I have to bite my toungue when friends moan about their mothers or take them for granted.

Can recommend a book, Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman. Bit American but talks about things that in my experience don't get spoken about, including the anger and bitterness.

Thanks so much, I will look for book. Those who suggested this are probably very right - my lovely DH is great but has not lost anyone close to him yet and just doesn't 'get' it when I cry on his shoulder. Unfortunately it seems to be one of those life experiences that you have to have been through to fully empathise with. Books can be so comforting, I will get searching.

Agree with DrNortherner, you do feel robbed.
I was lucky in that mum and dad knew DC1 and 2 but then dad died 5 years ago, just before I met and married DH2 and therefore he never got to meet him or our lovely DD and DS now aged 3 and 9 months. Mum died nearly 6 months ago, shortly after DS was born but because we were abroad when he was born, she hadn't met him. We were due to return to the UK for 12 weeks in the summer and tragically she died 2 weeks before we returned so didn't get to meet him.
I try to reassure myself that she had seen photos of him and of course knew about him. Some of my most precious things are a bag of baby boy clothes I found when going through her wardrobe to choose clothes for her to wear at her burial. She'd obviously gone out to buy them for him and was clearly excited about meeting him. Those clothes and a teddy are priceless and will never be thrown out.

It does make me sad that my youngest two won't know mum and dad although DD has vague memories of nannie from last Christmas when she stayed with us although it scares me that those memories will fade

waltonsmountain, I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a mother is a terrible thing. I too feel jealous when I see mums and children with their grandchildren and feel it isn't fair. I like to hold onto the thought that mum is looking down on us and can see her grandchildren. Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way x

I have no sage advice but I just wanted to say that i empathise with your situation. I lost my Dad to cancer 9 years ago so he never saw me get married or knew DC's. Time is a healer but I still get very sad sometimes as he would have made a great grandad. My mum re-married to a wonderful man who had the most beautiful relationship with DS(6). He was just starting to get to know DD (20m) when he too developed cancer and lost his battle. It breaks my heart to hear DS talking about how much he misses him and the fact that DD wil never remember him. It feels like DC's have been robbed of the opportunity to have a grandad twice.

As other have said, I am sure your mum is watching over you and your lovely DC's.

My mum died 15 years ago but it all came back and knocked me for six after dd was born.

I developed pnd and was referred to a counsellor. A lot of it was unresolved grief and I do feel it helped me lay to rest a lot of the anger and guilt I was carrying around.

my mum died in july. it was unexpected. she was 64. my kids adored her, and she loved them...she was really great with them, patient and gave them loads of time on a one to one basis....i saw a grandma out shopping with her granddaughter the other day...they were having a lovely time and the little girl was being "treated"....they were laughing and obviously really close.

my heart tore in two, knowing my kids will never have that. i'm really angry and bitter too...its a hard thing to take.

i have no advice, but i do fully understand how very hard it is. x

I feel the same way. My parents live abroad but I had a wonderful MIL who lived down the street. I was always at her house. She had all sons and grandsons and waited years and years for granddaughter to spoil. I had a little girl and MIL died of cancer when my dd was 7 months old so she never got to enjoy her.

My dd looks just like her and loves all the same girlie things that she did. I am more of a tomboy.

It's like dd and MIL were made for eachother.

Bitter doesn't even begin to cover how I feel. I always feel sad when I see kids with grandparents.

Thanks for your kind replies. My best wishes and sympathy to all of you who have lost someone you loved. It is such a horrible thing. It is reassuring for me to hear that I'm not alone in feeling so bitter and sad. It is hard to be cool about it yet. I hope that in time it won't feel so raw.

It is probably made worse because my dad has a new woman and neither of them are remotely interested in my kids... see us twice per year, never remember any of our birthdays, get the kids names confused etc. It is not a good relationship so I am constantly reminded of how different things would be if my mum were still around...
but I am hopeful that time will continue to heal, as it has been doing so far. There's just a long way to go before I feel secure enough not to wince when I see Grandparents adoring their grandkids. It's just too much to cope with at the mo. In time...hopefully. Maybe I can adopt a Granny?

Hi, I know how you feel. I lost my mum 2 years ago yesterday. When my dd was born my mum was in intensive care for the 1st 4 months and was very weak when she came out so couldnt even hold my dd or play with her. She wasnt even able to attend my dd 1st birthday party and died just 12 days later. I look at grannies etc and feel very resentful towards them as I feel as though they both (my mum and dd) have missed out on so much. I talk about my mum to my dd all the time and show her photo's which helps. xx

I do get a bit (privately) bitter about friends who take their mothers for granted when my mum never knew my kids. I never say anything because it's not their fault. I completely agree with other posters that a grief I had long thought resolved came rearing up again when my children were born. It is something that makes me so sad. My kids have only one elderly GP left and I think they really miss out on that sort of relationship. DD "invented" a granny once who would take her shopping. It tore me up. All her friends have the full "set". I miss having someone to "mother" me and generally wish she had known them (though I am sure we would have disagreed about parenting quite a bit ). My mum died a long time ago so it just goes to show that bereavement is for life but I do think you adapt. Still, your post made me cry (not that's a bad thing).

mrs santos...i really miss that being mothered....it hurts so much...i can hardly bare to think about it, so for the best part, i don't.

sending very un mumsnet big hugs all round ((((())))) x

I'm coming to this thread rather late but had to post as I was about to start a thread of my own on this subject. I know exactly how you are feeling.

I lost my lovely mum 9 years ago, very suddenly. She had 4 grown up children. I am the youngest, I was 26 when she died. She never had the pleasure of being a grandmother. Since then, she has had 5 grandchildren, none of whom will ever know her. One of these is my own one yr old DD.

Having my DD has brought back some of the rawness of my early grief for mum. There are so many things I would have liked to ask her, about babies, breast feeding, nappies, sleep etc. Much more than this though, is the overwhelming desire to see my mum and my DD together, playing, cuddling, laughing, enjoying each other.

I have a fantasy, that mum comes back just for one day. She comes to my house and we spend a whole day together, the three of us, me, DD and mum. We have breakfast and then playtime. I watch mum read a book to DD; encourage her to walk; teach her a new word. Then we go out for a walk and DD sleeps in the pram and me and mum talk - really talk- and I get to ask all my questions. Later we have lunch, then more playtime in the afternoon, maybe doing some baking; singing songs; lots of cuddles. After tea, mum helps with bath and bedtime, and reads DD a bedtime story ( as she did for me every night for 12 or so years). Then the hard part- The end of the day and having to say goodbye to mum. As I never had a chance to say goodbye when she died, this would be very painful but also very wonderful, and the pain of parting would be well worth the joy of having her here for just one day.

I'm not sure if my fantasy is a good thing or not- it always makes me cry. But it makes me happy too, to imagine my mum and my DD together, as if it were almost possible.

ineedalifelaundry your dream made me cry. I lost my Dad suddennly in April, and often dream of it being different somehow. Dh came to my office to tell me my Dad was dead. I often dream he didn't die straight away, and he was ill in hospital, and I rushed there and arrived in time to tell him I loved him, to stroke his face and hold his hand. Then I feel guilty as that is wishing he sufferred, when as it happens he had such a massive heart attack the paramedics said he wouldn't have sufferred at all.

He's only been dead 7 months (to the date today actually) and already I've so much to tell him/ask him. How will I ever least a lifetime?

DrNortherner and everyone else in this position- one thing I do is keep a notebook in which I write letters to my mum. That way I get to tell her all the important stuff. And when I do this, I find it very easy to imagine what her responses would have been, so it feels like she is actually listening and responding.

Ineedlifelaundry your dream made me cry as well.I lost my mum 13 years ago.I chose my profession because she wanted me to be a lawyer ,I really looked up to her.Im so glad im not the only one who misses their mum so much.

I too have real difficulty with my feelings ont he loss of my mother who was a surrogate mother to so many cousins etc. but died the weekd we were to break the news that I was pregnant. It was a tough time. But it is so much tougher now as a working Mom who could do with some support and love. I get so sad for my daughter who sees her friends with doting grannies, especially over the hosl when she has to be in day care while her buddies are off with glam grans. She often asks whether she can make her "granny in heaven undead". Made all the worse by the fact that she has a youngish, well off granny that lives a mere hour away in large farm house but only sees her grand daughter twice a year. It makes me so angry and my husband's failure to address this with his mother may even break up our relationship. Have had to ask her to help when my daughter was ill and I was unable to take time off but she always has social engagements. I'm stumped and angry. I think its too late for a relaitonshiop and doubt she will make hte effort. She and her husband have another granddaughter that they dote on, pay school fees for etc. Absolutley sickening....

I completely agree about feeling robbed.
My little ds (3) is starting to develop a relationship with my fil. It is sweet but it breaks my heart as I wanted him to have that relationship with my dad.

I do find myself comparing my fil to my dad and finding him wanting in so many ways. It's silly, unfair and childish and of course not his fault. I don't verbalise this of course and in the RL I would never admit to it.

I know how you feel

The bitterness never goes away for me. My mum was a lovely kind woman, well read, open-minded, very creative and laidback - she would have loved DS to bits. My stepmum, while very loving towards DS, is none of the things my mum was. She is very negative and narrow-minded, and I so wish DS could have both of them in his life, to have a bit of balance.

I also lost my brother three years ago so my poor little boy is missing a wonderful uncle as well as a grandma. It is gutting.