a good friend committed suicide - pls help

[scariboo]

I haven't seen this friend since our 20s but we've been in touch again on FB since last spring. Looking through our correspondence, I saw that he had asked me to call him, that he really wanted to see me again (apart from our high school reunion which was last summer - he didn't want to go). I thought he was stable - he was extremely bright and seemed v. content with his life - but last week I found out he committed suicide. I can't seem to get past it. I feel extraordinarily guilty, angry, sad & above all, great pity for someone as talented, bright & wonderful as he appeared to be to have such mental anguish that he would resort to this (obviously premeditated) final gesture. Can anyone help me to cope? Thx

Hi Scariboo, so sorry to hear about your friend.

I had a friend that killed himself, almost 10 years ago now when we were only 18. It is an awful thing to happen, I think it can be so confusing because you've got so many more emotions getting all mixed up than if they had died of an illness or in an accident. For me the main one was guilt, like maybe if I'd tried a bit harder then he wouldn't have done it. So it is completely normal for you to feel like that too.

Have you spoken to any mutual friends about it? Have you considered talking to a counsellor? I found it really helped me. I hope you feel more at peace soon x

Sorry to hear that. I also lost a close friend to suicide and the feeling of guilt sometimes overwhelmed me. (Why couldn't he feel like he could tell me?)
I also felt angry (how could he do this to his family?) and I felt very very sad (imagining how awful he must have felt)

Something that really helped me was writing a diary. Not a "I went to the shops" diary but my feelings and emotions. There were moments I was so angry that I would rip through pages with my pen. But it really did help me to get it all out.

I also spoke a bit to his family. That was extremely painful so I started to write to them instead. I wrote of the holiday we had taken together, and various anecdotes of our time together that I'm pretty sure he won't have told his parents.

It sounds a cliché but it does get easier - but it will take a long, long time. For a long time I saw the world in a very different way and it took me a long time to forgive him for what he did.

Be kind to yourself and be kind to his memory. It is NOT your fault. You could NOT have done anything. He made his own choice and whether you like it or not, agree with it or not, he was free to do as he wished with his life.

It's v. strange how the grief comes & goes. It's always there but it gets almost unbearable some moments & then recedes again.

My brother took his own life nearly 3 years ago. It is so terribly sad. I felt very angry at him sometimes, how could he do this to us. I believe he couldn't have realised the consequences for us he was so deeply unhappy. He hid his depression very well it was a real shock. We were told by a specialist in young male suicide that sometimes people just don't want to do life anymore and that there isn't always a reason.
The only way I was able to deal with it was to think that reagrdless of how we felt it was his choice and his life was not taken against his wishes. Whatever pain he was feeling is gone now, he is at peace. It is just so so sad.

The guilt can be huge but you have to believe that there is nothing that could have been done.

I look at life very differently to how I did before this happened to our family. Life is so precious and most things just don't matter as long as you are loved and happy and healthy. As time passes you will learn to accept it. For us the fact there was no reason that we will ever know made it harder.

my good friend committed suicide last year, i'm still devastated about it. The only thing that helps me is thinking how much anguish he must have been in and at least now he is in peace and away from the world that was causing him so much pain.

It's a horrible, horrible thing to have to deal with.

too right! still thinking of him almost constantly.