I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much after losing my Dad

[DrNortherner]

But it has. It is so hard. Sometimes I look back over these 6 months and wonder how I continued putting one foot in front of the other.

He was the most wonderful man ever. So calm, wise and good. And now he's gone, and I'm never going to see him again. He will never see ds grow up, and I took for granted he would......

People think I'm OK. I'm really not. I am changed inside. I am scared that the passing of time takes me further away from him, that things happen in the world and he doesn't know, and I will never know his opinion on them. I can remember him so vividly now, his voice, his smell, his hugs. I am scared that one day i will forget. I don't want to forget him.

I miss him so much.

Hi Dr Northerner I'm glad it went well for you. Nice of the school to do something like that.

I'm not too bad I suppose - Some days I feel I'm accepting it, then get up some mornings and feel quite bereft again particularly on way to work. Strange.

Suppose its still early days yet though.

My mums going through a bad patch at the moment - has been quite upset - think it must be dark nights etc. Tough times ahead. How have you been generally?

X

I have just seen this thread and have to say I can identify with a lot that has been said.
My dad died in September and I have missed him a lot. Him and my mum only lived round the corner so I used to see them a lot.
It feels quite odd at the moment - it is like he has gone away and not left a phone number so I can't contact him.
It is quite hard clearing out the house as my mum is going to move somewhere smaller. The worst thing was having his car taken away. That surprised me how much it upset me.
My thoughts are with you all.

Just came across this thread.

It is two years since my Dad died and I am sitting here this evening feeling very sad and tearful at the thought of another Christmas without him. Still waiting for time to heal my pain. My thoughts are with all those who have lost their Dad too.

Christmas can be a time of joy but also of great sadness when you have lost someone so dear to you.

You won't forget I promise, it's been 10 years since my Dad died and I too thought that the passing time would make him a distant memory, but it's the opposite.

I have these moments when I can really feel he is with me or watching over me or something and I still remember things about him and us together that had long been sent to the back of my mind.

You will not forget him.

I have just lost my dad. He passed away suddenly last week. Reading this thread was strange as it gave me a glimpse into what life may be like for me, although for now I just feel, alternately, numb or grief stricken. I have this strong sense of doom that pervades the atmosphere and I wish I could do something, anything, to get rid of it. But nothing I do makes it go away. I feel guilty for not embracing my children who need me but find myself pushing them away, the fact I can almost hear dad telling me to look after the little ones and not worry about what I can't change. My rational side is constantly battling with my emotional side but the two don't seem capable of getting on anymore. I feel exhausted by the slightest things and getting children off to school seems to require a Herculean effort which I can barely manage. I know mum needs me to be strong but I feel as if I am living a lie and don't know how to keep up this pretence that I can sort out the funeral and announcements and finances and administration of his estate... without him there to help me.

Oh Moshis, really sorry to hear about your Dad. I remember those early days and you just go onto auto pilot, getting on with all the practical stuff. Unfortunatley, grief hits you later.

If you need any practical advice I'm sur people on here can help. Keep posting if you need to offload, unfortunatley lots of us on here are walking the same path.

All we can do is hold out a hand to you.

It's very early days, be easy on yourself and hang in there.
xx

Moshi so sorry about your dad and that you've had to join us but welcome.
As DrN says, you can find a lot of help and support on here. We've all been through it and it helps to 'talk' to others in the same boat rather than OH's who still have their parents and just don't understand.

Be kind to yourself.

DrN hope you are hanging in ok x

I really feel for you. I lost my Dad 5 years ago and felt just the same. But you know what, it DOES get easier. Keep his memory alive with talking and remembering. Light candles for him on special days or any time you want to think about him. Look at photos. Continue to love him and feel his love. Remember how lucky you were to have him and to know such a special person. Oh, and don't forget to remind your kids about how lovely he was; don't be afraid to mention him to them - they will think it's natural, and his legacy can still live on in their lives, even though he's not physically there.I wish you luck and love.

drnorthner

I have just seen this thread

I havent loss my dad but I have lost my son and a lot of what you posted in your original thread struck a cord with me

Your grief is still very new and I know xmas must have been so very hard for you this year. I also know the new year brings mixed emotions.. a chance to put the sad year behind you and hope the new year is better but you have so many firsts to face this year

I Hope you find the strength to get through this year

take care

DrN - I had a terrible day today. I feel as if I am getting worse and the grief is just building up. Initially it was shock I think. This creeping realisation of what it means with dad now gone is quite frightening. I found a copy of the bible I borrowed from dad this evening which started me off. He was not religious any more but the book was of great sentimental value to him having been given to him as an 8 year old by his parents. The inscription inside makes me well up. Bizarrely, time has become all distorted for me. I suspect this process of subconsciously realigning everything will continue for some time but, oh my word, it is exhausting going through it. Is it any better 6 months down the line? I really hope so as things seem to have lost their meaning somewhat and I feel so guilty for not embracing my children as they need me to and as I know my dad would have told me to.

mum - thanks for the kind words.

Oh Moshi, sorry you are having such a tough time, it is VERY early days and al is normal.

I felt, and still do, that the day my Dad died the poles of my world moved, ad it takes a while to find your way around again. He was your Dad, your parent, you have known him all your life, of course this is huge and your brain needs to compute what has happenned. You are just at the begginning of a long and tough journey.

I am 9 months down the line and although Christmas and NY was so so hard I think I a finally able to talk about my Dad fondly for short periods of time without disolving into tears at how unjust it all is. But I know bad days will still come.

Hang in there. When I feel low I try to remind myself how lucky I was to have him as my Dad.

Take care xx

Hi Moshi, I'm so sorry you have to join us on this thread. I lost my dear dad in July after rare complications a week after a successful heart bypass.

I was so relieved after he came through the op. I thought the op would give him another 10 years. It turned out to be a week.

Looking back I was in shock for weeks after -it was all so surreal. Everything from him being in ICU to his funeral. I felt I was an actor - all the time thinking this is not my real life. My dad is somewhere else. I used to tell myself that when I was at my family home with my mum which helped me deal with his absence.

Looking back I suppose its how we protect ourselves from the grim truth. Until our brains slowing accepts the reality - Like Dr Northerner says.

I feel that my world has blown apart and changed forever. I used to be a positive person. I don't feel that anymore - I feel quite morose at times wondering when the next bad thing will happen.

Not for one second did we or my dad think he would not be here. All that has been ripped away. I Will never take anything for granted again.

I have had a lot of comfort from this site - realising I was not going mad or the only person feeling as I did.

I would say don't expect too much from yourself and take one day at a time.

Hugs to you.

DrN and anastasia - thanks for your messages. I woke up today and, for the first time, didn't feel quite so bad. It was a subtle change as I still feel rotten but I was able to speak to the children without a lump in my throat and get them dresssed for school and breakfasted. I still don't seem able to find my usual positivity. I hope it is just lurking beneath the surface and will return one day because I cannot bear the thought of feeling this sad forever! I am trying to take things one step at a time. One day at a time seems too much to cope with so I tell myself, baby steps, and it seems to help.

anastasia - the post mortem determined that my dad had died of a massive heart attack as he had coronary atherosclerosis. So had it been diagnosed, no doubt he would have had to have some sort of interventionist treatment like your dad. I try to take solace in the fact he would have hated that and he (as we all were) was completely oblivious to the fact he had heart disease and would leave us so suddenly. We had all assumed he would live well into his 90s as he was so fit and healthy without any risk factors. But like you the suddenness of it all when you are expecting more time together is difficult to handle. Where I come from, they say he must have done many good deeds in his life to have such a good death. Just pretty brutal for the rest of us.

Moshi - my Dad dies very suddennly too of a massive heart attack, he was only 65.

I had never thought of it as a good death before, but for them, then yes it is. Just the shock for those left behind is horrendous.

There is a book I read called 'You'll get over it' can't remember authors name but its on amazon that I found really helpful, and still pick it up now and again, it's not at all wishy washy, it's quite brutal at times but very honest.

Just found it here

DrN Thanks for the book recommendation. I will see if I can get a copy. It is true that the cliches aren't helping and I just feel so desolate.

I have just read this thread having lost my lovely Dad 2 weeks ago. He had had cancer for years but it was the slow-growing kind and he was living with it rather than dying of it IYSWIM until the last fortnight when he suffered a brutal and rapid decline.

He died before my sister and I could get there to see him - we both live abroad. Our brother had seen him 4 days before he died and was shocked at how he looked.

We are all so sad. My sister is getting married in May and none of us could have imagined that he wouldn't be there to give her away, least of all him. He said to Mum a few days before he went that he didn't want to leave

castille - I am so so sorry to read about your loss. You must be devastated on so many fronts. If you want to tell me about your dad, I would love to read about him. I also understand if you don't want to speak. I am still finding my dad's absence so difficult. Yesterday was my birthday and it was hard without him. I still don't know whether I am coming or going half the time.

Yes it has been devastating, much like your loss but probably less acute for me as we had known for a while that he wasn't going to get better so although it a terrible shock and happened sooner than any of us could have imagined, it wasn't entirely unexpected. It must be so much harder to lose someone with absolutely no warning.

Awful for you to feel so sad on your birthday. It was my mum's birthday 5 days after Dad died and we did manage to mark it by taking her out for lunch but it was a sad day.

What I think helped us all a lot was that in the first awful days after his death my brother, sister and I were all together at mum's house, so none of us had to cope with work, children or anything much other than supporting each other, planning the funeral and helping where we could with adminstrative things. I was away for 9 days before DH arrived with the DC for the funeral and I'm grateful for that time.

If my birthday was awful I can only imagine how my poor mum must have felt as she found him dead on the morning of hers which was also the day before their 47th wedding anniversary. Her birthday will never be the same now for the rest of her life. Christmas will also be difficult for our family from now on.

The funny thing is, I have come to realise that people all over the world are feeling like this for the same reason and yet it is the most awful thing to happen. I can't understand why, as it is so common, we aren't better prepared for it?

I'm so sorry, Castille. Very, very tough for you.

Dr Northener, I hope your pain is becoming less sharp. And everyone else.