OMG How horrible do I feel?

[OMGHowAwfulAmI]

I have name changed because I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself!

I have had problems with my ds on and off since he was around 4 but things got really bad when he was 5 1/2. Now he is 11 and things can be out of control between us, i don't mean violence I mean verbally.

Anyway today I was talking to someone about a VERY big thing happened which affected us both.

Basically my dad was taken ill and after 3 months died.

BUT this is the part that I have now realised what a horrible person I am!

A week before my dad died, i collected him and took him home for the afternoon. DS was playing with my nephew who was then 3 and started tantruming over a pencil....Because dad had spent the best part of 3 months in hospital I had to pick ds up and go home....the following Saturday he died...I never got to spend another moment with him outside of hospital again.

I have realised today that I have been harbouring up the hurt i felt that day...

and yes I am unreasonable for having done this and I am horrible for letting it fester in me.....

I have posted this here and in parenting for advice from both.

dont beat ur self up about your dad.i am also harbouring hurt for my great uncle did visit him once a week took shopping to him once a month lots of iceland shopping all special offers etc. then on 1 of our visits he didnt answer the door had to break in but he was dead from a heart attack.he was 87 but he had gone deaf so he didnt always hear us at the door.thats why we had keys 2 his house.we always shouted out to him its us as he would have been so scared if it was any 1 just coming in.

Both anger and guilt are normal, natural responses to bereavement. But some of us get a bit stuck and end up carrying these emotions around for years, and it can affect your life and your relationships as you are describing. You are not a terrible person, you have just been through a terrible experience and understandably found it difficult.

I have had bereavement counselling to deal with deep feelings of guilt about my mum's death. (Everyone else told me I was the model daughter who went out of my way to care for her but I didn't believe them). I would recommend it to you.

I hope someone can give you some useful parenting advice as well. Best wishes.