Happy birthday Caroline!

[oneofapair]

Happy birthday Caroline.

Mum and Dad and I send our hugs and kisses on this special day. I will go round to see Mum later and then together we will go off to the hospital to see Dad.

I found your present to me in the usual place so you must have have been on Ebay before your final illness. I have planted a bush in the garden as my present to you. I hope you can see it.

I'm sitting in your house as I type this wondering what to do with the birthday cards that people have sent you not knowing that you have died. A few have return addresses included so I will send them a brief note to explain what has happened. The rest? - I don't know, perhaps your address book and the postmark on the letter will give me a clue?

I am going to move into your house (my house now I suppose) and sell mine. I suppose you are wondering why? Partly it is because I cannot face emptying your house and throwing anything of yours away, certainly not for a while. On the other hand I don't have any emotional links to my old house which is also less convenient for my new role and responsibilities.

For the first time in ages I found myself looking into the future and it felt strange, almost disloyal to you, to be thinking about my post-Caroline life. Sue is due back in England in January but as you know communications down there are very unreliable and her plans keep getting changed by the bosses. I don't really know what to do for the best.

Meanwhile I will battle on.

Your loving twin

Richard XXXX

Richard, my heart goes out to you.
I've followed your posts over the past few weeks and can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I lost my wonderful mum a few months ago and that was awful but doesn't compare to your loss.

I know you won't have a 'happy' birthday but I hope you have got friends with you to support you and I know it will be a very difficult day for you, this year and every year.
My mum and dad lost their first son when he was 3 and very cruelly he was buried on dad's birthday which was a very bittersweet memory for dad every year.

Please be kind to yourself xxx

Hi oneofapair - just wondered if you had contacted the Lone Twin Network yet? I can only imagine they are the only people who can undertstand what you are going through...

My dear twin

I need advice and in the past it was usually you I turned to so I am sort of hoping that somehow or someway writing this letter will answer my problem.

Sue is back in contact! She phoned from South Africa and it seems that they have been pulled out of the Congo (too dangerous)and she might be coming back to the UK next week. Most of the letters I wrote to her haven't got though (neither has any post to some team members), the last one she saw was the one I wrote the afternoon after you died.

I wasn't expecting to see her till January and now my mind is in a whirl. You know how much I love her and how much I have missed her but I seem to be so full of sadness at present that I worry about losing her or putting her off or appearing distant or preoccupied.

Please Caroline what should I do?

Although I am very grateful for the help received from Mumsnet readers I think that it is probably sensible if I now focus all my energy on the advice and support offered by the specialists and my circle of close friends.

Sue hasn't come back to the UK but should do so soon.

I might update once a month but apart from that it is goodbye and good luck to you all.

Thank you oneofapair for your posts. Your love for your twin is beautiful. I have wept for you and send my hope that you can find peace and happiness one day.

Goodbye oneofapair.

My heart goes out to you oneofapair.

Perhaps Sue will be able to comfort you.

Happy birthday Caroline.

Mum and Dad and I send our hugs and kisses on this special day. I will go round to see Mum later and then together we will go off to the hospital to see Dad.

I found your present to me in the usual place so you must have have been on Ebay before your final illness. I have planted a bush in the garden as my present to you. I hope you can see it.

I'm sitting in your house as I type this wondering what to do with the birthday cards that people have sent you not knowing that you have died. A few have return addresses included so I will send them a brief note to explain what has happened. The rest? - I don't know, perhaps your address book and the postmark on the letter will give me a clue?

I am going to move into your house (my house now I suppose) and sell mine. I suppose you are wondering why? Partly it is because I cannot face emptying your house and throwing anything of yours away, certainly not for a while. On the other hand I don't have any emotional links to my old house which is also less convenient for my new role and responsibilities.

For the first time in ages I found myself looking into the future and it felt strange, almost disloyal to you, to be thinking about my post-Caroline life. Sue is due back in England in January but as you know communications down there are very unreliable and her plans keep getting changed by the bosses. I don't really know what to do for the best.

Meanwhile I will battle on.

Your loving twin

Richard XXXX

(Sorry about previous post - human error)

Hello Caroline

I hope that Mum is now safely with you. You will need to help her as she was getting old and frail and will not know what to do.

Sue is sitting with me in Mum's house and Mrs Reese from next door has just left. She popped in just to check I wasn't on my own. She will tell the neighbours what has happened.

If you can see me you will know I am a bit battered. When I told Dad that Mum had died he just sat there then punched me in the face screaming abuse about how I had caused her death with my greed and selfishness.

The nurses pulled him off but not before there was blood everywhere. One chipped tooth, two loose ones, one very misshaped mouth and a ruined suit last time I looked.

It getting so lonely down here. Pray for me.

Your loving twin

Richard XXXX

Oh Richard. Keep posting. We're here, listening to you.

You poor love.

I have been following your thread. I don't know what to say. Your mum now.

I lost my dear father this year. so am still reeling from the shock of that myself.

I cant imagine what you are going through with another bereavement to deal with. My heart goes out to you.

Love - hugs - and strength to you.

I don't know what to say, apart from that I am thinking of you x

Oneofapair

Im so sorry about this double blow. My heartfelt condolences.

Keep posting.

I have not been nearly a bad as I thought I would be. I slept reasonably well thanks to some of the unused beta blockers from last time. I don't know when the funeral will be yet but the best guess is a week on Monday.

My face looks almost normal again. It was just the blood from the punches that made it look worse than it was. I have not heard anything from the secure unit but I imagine Dad's outburst has not improved his chances of getting released.

Mum's will is with the solicitor but I am sure is a routine "everything to the surviving partner" one.

Sue sends her love to the Mumsnetter's who helped me so much when Caroline died. She will stay with me at Caroline's former house until we decide what to do about our wedding originally pencilled in for early 2010.

A big lump in my throat now as Caroline would have been our bridesmaid and a few tears are dribbling out.

Bye for now.

Oneofapair so glad you have Sue.

What happened your mum? If that's not too personal.

Have you tried to talk to your dad?

Mum died of a heart attack. I think the combination of Caroline's death, Dad being sectioned to a secure unit and my inability to see much beyond my own grief at losing my twin was just too much for her.

I did try talking to Dad but got punched hard in the face for my trouble. I did phone the unit yesterday latish and Dad is currently heavily sedated and not able to see visitors. He cerainly will not be allowed to come to funeral.

Sue and I hope Caroline is able to help Mum wherever they have both gone as Mum was getting old and a bit frail and will not know what to do on her own.

Meanwhile Sue and I will battle on

Back in early October I wrote that although I was very grateful for the help received from Mumsnet readers (especially pinkpanettone) after my twin sister Caroline died I thought that it was probably sensible to focus all my energy on the advice and support offered by the specialists and my circle of close friends. Then a week ago today my Mother also died and so I did post here a couple of times but then went silent again which might have caused a bit of concern. This is the current situation.

Mum is being cremated on Monday.

Dad will not be allowed to attend because of his mental health issues.

I have resigned from my previous job and will work full time in the family business as ?The Gaffer?, ie the boss.

Progress on getting probate on Caroline?s Estate is painfully slow and the tax bill is going to be painfully large.

I am living in Caroline?s house with my former house being rented out. I haven?t made much progress in throwing any of her things away yet but am much more peaceful in my mind than I was. I can feel Caroline is looking down on me.

Sue and I will get married as planned in spring 2010.

I might update once a month but apart from that it is goodbye and goodluck to you all.