Children's grief, three years on

[exexpat]

It is three years this week since my much loved DH was walking back to his office after lunch, and just collapsed and died - sudden cardiac death, no warning or chance to say goodbye. A few months later I had to leave the country where our two children were born (DS then 8, now 11, DD then 3 now 6) and bring them back to the UK, so they lost not only their dad but home, school, friends and everything familiar.

I think we have been doing remarkably well in settling into our new life after all the upheavals (and have been back to our old home country for several visits), but apart from occasional tears at bedtime, the DCs have never talked much about their dad's death or how they feel about it (though of course we do talk about him, and have photos up). But suddenly over the past week or two, presumably because of the anniversary coming up, they have both separately been getting upset, asking more detailed questions, and I don't really know how to deal with it.

DS is very bright and thinks a lot about things, and has been asking questions like, why dad? why us? what happens after you die? what's the point in living if you are just going to die? I try to talk about it honestly with him, but find it hard to provide any comforting answers. I'm an atheist and DS has also decided he doesn't believe in god, so we can't do the heaven/stars/angels stuff.

He has adamantly refused any offers of counseling, and to be honest I'm not a great believer in it anyway (in terms of talking to someone who doesn't know you or the person you have lost) - I prefer to work things through myself, with the help of good literature and poetry. Does anyone who has been through this with their children have any words of wisdom on how to help him come to terms with it? Or could recommend any good books for young teens (fiction or non-fiction) which deal with death (particularly of a parent) in a helpful way, even if it's not the main subject of the book?

DD has also obviously been thinking about it a lot, and tells me she gets upset when she sees other children playing with their dads, or when she thinks about how when she has children, they will never know their grandad. All I can do is give her a cuddle and agree with her.

In very different circumstances (my mum died suddenly when I was 18, 22 years ago) I still struggle to cope. Dh and I are seeing a therapist about something completely different and my continued grieving came up. Therapist recommended that I write a letter to my mum telling her all the things i want to say. I've been working on it in my head ever since and have made a date (taking a day off work) to write it next month.

You could sit down with your ds and dd and talk to them about what they would like to say to their dad and whether they would like to write him a letter. They could tell him what has happened in the last three years, how they feel, everything really. I guess they might be a bit young, but I suspect they'll surprise you (well, me really). It might help them to think about where he is. If he's not in heaven, then he's in them and that's why you all keep on living.

For me it's important that my letter can be private, you need to think about that as your dd and ds might want to see what you do to help them work out what they want to write.

It's also important to get stuff down in writing that you want to tell children/grandchildren in later life. That may comfort your dd a little, that you can write - or record? - lots of stuff about you and your dh.

Good luck with this, I wish I could give more appropriate advice, I can't imagine what you must all have been through.

All my kids have a memory box, they add to it from time to time and take things out and look at them when they are in that sort of mood. We got ours from Winston's Wish who also do a lot of literature and other support for parents in out situation.

On the therapy side I used to think much as you did, but the GP recommended somebody for my DD (now 12) and they worked wonders. DS1 tried somebody else and had a disastrous experience, we have now managed to get a referral to the same organisation that sees DS1 and are waiting on that. DS2 is the same age as your DD and all he ever knew was his mum ill, so I have found all you can do is cuddele and agree.

Thanks for that, Bosch and DadInsteadofMum. We do have memory boxes and photo albums, which we look through, and I have given DS a notebook to write down thoughts and memories, but I don't think he has used it much. The letter idea sounds good, though, and DD is now old and competent enough at writing to be able to do it too.

I also sporadically try to write things down - memories to share and so on - but it seems like an impossible task to get everything down before you forget it. Also, has anyone ever asked friends and family to write down memories? We have snippets in condolence letters and books, but although DH and I were together for 18 years, obviously I only knew one side of him, and I'm sure when the DCs are older, they will be curious about what he was like at school, and work, and so on.

One of DD's most precious memory box items is a scrap book one DW's friends made (spontaneously without being asked) it contains eight short (three or four paragraphs) stories of friend and DW's adventures - though are time both before and after I met DW but I feature in none of them.

It is such a good idea I have thought about asking some of her other friends to do something similar, though not quite sure how to braoch the subject, and I have to admit I get quite tearful whenever I read it.

My heart goes out to you and your DC exexpat.

From a child's point of view (my mum died when I was 3) I echo the idea of memory boxes and recording stories, memories, pictures. You kind of need to remember your DH for your DC, especially the youngest one.

'Cuddle and agree' is a really valuable thing to do - sounds like you think its not much, but it really is.

My dad didn't do any of these things (not blaming him at all, it was a million times harder for him than me), my mum's mum did verbally but now she has dementia I have no one to remember my mum for me.

DadInsteadofMum I would really encourage you to ask your DW's friends. Is there one you can approach more easily who could then coordinate the others?

Bosch- good luck with your letter - I am in a similar situation and going to attempt one soon too.

Have not been on here for a long time. My heart goes out to you. My DH died 18 months ago when DD was 4, she is now 5 1/2. It is good that they are talking and being upset outwardly is natural and at least you are aware. DD has become more questioning than last year and I suppose as they get older, the more deeper the questions get. The questions can be harrowing especially when you know that most other children never have to think or ask them. We have made memory boxes and look at photos and often recall times and instances. It is surprising how much my DD remembers even from his illness when she was 3! Talking about him seems to comfort her. I really feel for my DD when a child's Dad collects them from a play session or is there congratulating them at activities etc. I too cuddle her and agree, it is very hard. I have been meaning to write stuff down but attempts prove so time consuming. If you have not been in touch with Winston's Wish Charity they have some great ideas for both younger and older kids to remember a parent by. I think you are doing all the right things. Let me know how you are doing. I empathise totally with what you have said.

Xxpat and Only'one are you with WAY? My kids have draw a lot of strength from being with other kids in the same situation. They don't talk about it with them but talking to them afterwards they find it good just to be around other kids in the same situation.