my nan xx

[milknosugarplease]

hi all,

I lost my wonderful Nan last year, she was 85, she literally went to sleep one night and didn't wake up.

I know she's gone, I've cried more tears then i ever thought possible, but yet i cant accept that shes gone, i used to see her at least twice a week, i still want to go and see her and for a split second i forget, but then i remember shes gone.

i went away for the2 week before she died and everyday i regret going away. i regret the fact that instead of popping into see her i buggered of on holiday wiothout a secind thought. my mum and dad and aunt all popped into see her but I didn't.

i cant deal with knowing ill never see her, friends think i should be over it by now...maybe i should? i dont know? i dont know how to grieve for her because grieving for her means accepting shes gone and i cant do it.

she wasnt ill for a long time she just went to bed and didnt wake up...i suppose on one hand thats the best way to go (iygwim) but it wasnt a suprise, she was old and frail and i guess ready. if people have a time o go, this was hers.

i dont know what i hope to achieve by writing this, i wonder if people here may understand? or help me?...im scared to talk to my mum at risk of upseting her, my dad has been incredible and i will forever be thankful, but he's dealt with this for all of us for over a year.

i just want my nan back

It was my nans funeral yesterday. There were, as we expected, 150ish people there and it was amazing to see so many people.

Obviously it was horrendous but actually a beautiful service , she wouldve been so proud of what we did for her, im so sure of that. It was very family orientated and she'd have loved that. Im so glad i went.

Im trying so hard to think of her at peace and with my grandad and not that shes in a cold, dark box in the ground (sorry).

Today i just feel lost, i dont know how else to describe it but simply lost, in many ways.
I wouldve normally gone to see her on a wednesday, so thats weird.
The last few days have been so hectic and now im lost cause its all done and ive nothing to do and ive lost my nan, the one person who i could tell anything to and she wouldnt judge me and would give the best advice! Not just "do what you think it right" but actually say "right, do this and this and say this and it will be fine" and it always was.

We're going today back to the grave to look at the flowers because obviously we just didnt get the chance yesterday, so im kind of, in a very strange way, looking forward to it, because i get to be physically closer to her, i guess.

Thanks for letting me ramble

xx

Hi,

been ages since i've posted on this thread.

i thouht i was ok and dealing with it...but im not really. i STILL miss her SO SO much.

I smelt her pefume and brand of ciggerettes the other day...and i swear it was her...i wouldve put money on it, it was her.
of course it wasnt,

shes gone and isnt coming back, i didnt say goodbye...i stupidly SELFISHLY went away...on a stupid holiday.

maybe if id gone to see her the day before or even the week before i cldve seen if somethign was wrong i cldve helped her i could have done SOMETHING

what if id done more to help her? what if id gone down to hers more then twice a week, what if i could have done something but i didnt? because im to stupid and to selfish to realise she mightve needed help

i want HER back..i dont want a picure or a perfume...i want HER i need her.
she was my nan...my wonderful wonderful nan

and shes gone...and i feel vvery lost right now