Having a bad day-a really bad day.

[iMumruly]

And there is no real reason why.

Im fine really but struggling today, things keep popping into my head and making me feel sad. the boys are fine, being really good! just every few moments I keep remembering almost like flashbacks to when it all happened, which at 8 years ago feel at the same time a lifetime ago and only yesterday.

being told she had died, the birth, the funeral, post mortem all of it really-like a slide show of photo moments running through my head, like subliminal messages.

Its crap.

My heart goes out to you completely. My DS2 was stillborn in Dec 07. I still have moments when exactly like you i relive the trip to the hospital, the birth, the funeral and the post mortem.

He's still with me everyday and there will always been a whole part of me missing. The wishing that he was still here to be with both his big and little brothers.

It is crap

imumruly , I am so sorry you are struggling today . I haven't had a still birth , my son was 14mths old when he died but I have those days when I just replay everything that happened . My theory is that it is such a horrible thing to live through that the mind just can't comprehend it so replays it every now and again to make sense of it .

I am 8 1/2 yrs down this crappy path and like you cope most of the time but sometimes it just smacks you in the mouth doesn't it ?

Have you seen the bereaved mums thread ? A lot of support and even some laughs along the way .

We are here if you want to keep talking x

I am so sorry for your loss too oops x
You are right about them always being a part of us and our families .

My thoughts are with you all. My sister lost her ds after he was born at 28 weeks. I was there when he was taken off life support and so feel I have lost one of my dc in a small way (though could not imagine what it must be like to lose one of my own).

Big hugs to all of the bereaved mums but especially iMumruly, I hope you feel better soon. xx

Hang on in there ,don't beat yourself up for feeling sad.My DS1 was still born some years ago,the aniversary has just passed,I felt sad all day.I got all the cards out,photos etc.,had a good cry.I think it's natural to be sad.I too look back and think 'today was the funeral' or 'at this time I was in labour.I find it helps to talk a bit'.My sister always calls me on the day.And DH and i always have a chat and a few tears.

Thanks ladies, I know im ok, I know ive delt with and am still dealing with it all really well but you cant all the time can you! I think one of the issues that get to me now is that as Lucy is in the past for everyone, 8 years is a long time-its not recent or present in peoples minds anymore, ive gone onto have 3 more children and so its as tho it all done and dusted. and having gone onto have 3 boys the endless comments from all and sundry "going to try again for a girl" "3 boys! did you want a girl" etc leave me drained.
Most of the time I laugh it off I know these people dont mean any harm then there are the times I cant laugh along with them and get cross, I recently told a shop assistant off for commenting on how i must have wanted a girl what with having 3 boys, she said this in front of my ds1 who is almost 8 and fully understanding and sensitive. most recently tho ive just been straight with people, I had a daughter, she died, stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Ds1 talks about her sometimes, we have her picture up with all our family so she is not a hidden subject. I remember ds1's teacher pulling me aside wanting me to have a word with him about "stories" as he was talking (during a discussion in class regarding families and before ds 2 and 3 wer born) about his sister Lucy, no one believed him and he was very upset about it.

I tho am fine just one of those days I guess!

Love to all you ladies who have lost your little ones too-I'm not a god person but I do believe that there is somewhere in some form or another where our precious babies go to rest and have peace.

The "how many children you have " is awful to answer isn't it ?

I never know what to say . It depends on who I am talking to as to how I answer . I probably talk about Harry more on here than anywhere else .

Good for you to be able to say it to people .

I also believe that there is a place where they all are . I have to believe that to keep me sane .

The flashbacks associated with any family death do get less frequent but don't seem to stop 100%.

DH and I lost four parents while we were at university - that was many years ago - but even now odd things can start the tears.

But it is perhaps once a year rather than once a day or once an hour. Time is merciful and the darkness of the soul doesn't last for ever. I promise!