Devastated again

[LittleGirlLost09]

I thought I was getting somewhere, managing to cope and start to accept that I haven't got my mum anymore, but the past few days it all feels fresh again, I miss her so much, and each time I find myself in a situation where I would have called her, asked her advice, told her something, it hits me all over again.

I still dont have anyone I can really talk to and Im just so tired, Im sick of the fact that it feels like everyone at work thinks Im fine, and asks me how my weekend was etc, how the hell do they think it was?! I usually say fine thanks, when I want to scream, it was sh**, I was crying a lot, I was lonely, and my mum just died so how the hell do you think? I wish they wouldnt ask.

Sorry, had to let it out, tried to call my counselling phone service but they arent there on Sundays and I knew this was a safe place to talk. I took Friday as holiday as I was so worn out, but all this time on my own is just making me think more and miss her more. I think on some level I think she'll come back, does anyone else feel that too?

This is just too hard.

LGL how are you? Also hugs to everyone. I have been thinking a lot about Mum recently. It's all the little things of not being able to hear her voice or have a reassuring hug....seeing mothers and daughters in the street chokes me! My dad is still consumed by his grief (it's been 6wks now) and I'm finding it hard to deal with. At times he's so demanding that I lose patience....it's exhausting. I'm at the stage where I have to just ignore him, otherwise I'd lose it. I am wondering if counselling would help me....I know dad wouldn't seek counselling.
Tiredandgrumpy - I'm glad you haven't had to deal with this personally.....it's the pitts....definitely don't avoid the subject tho - for me, its quite therapeutic to talk about Mum....I want to talk about her and remember her. It warms my heart to tell people about her...not when she got ill or how she passed, but how she was....when Mum was healthy and wonderful and so unconditional. I miss her so.....

Reading everybodys posts has brought a tear to my eye and a massive lump in my throat.

I am very, very lucky that I still have my parents - both in their late 70's.

I have had 4 DS's - but sadly lost two of them. One at 7 months old (he was a twin) due to congenital heart defects and one at 7 years old - he was killed by a reversing lorry.

We have a very special bereaved mummies thread on MN - we gain love and support from each other and somehow get through each day.

Could I be cheeky and suggest that you ladies start a similar thing?

Each time we fill a thread (about 1,000 messages) we hand over to the next person and the thread honours our children.

I cannot imagine the pain I will feel when it is my mum and dads time to go...I really cant.

Sending my love and thoughts to each and every one of you xxxxxxxxx

this song says it all

Thanks everyone for being there, have had some really black days, I know my mum wouldnt want me to be like this, so I am trying not to be but Im struggling with work, with the counselling, with everything, want the world to go away for a while.

My dads 65th birthday is next week and I'll be there with him on the day, and have booked the week after off to go up home too. He is dreading it, I am dreading it, I still want to make an effort for him, went into a card shop today, took ages to find a simple card saying Happy Birthday, they all said have a great day etc... I turned around and saw the 'mum' section of the shop and nearly broke down then and there

To DrNortherner, Anastacia, Chimchar, Mumoverseas and everyone else here, Im thinking of you too x

Shabba that song is beautiful, i had not heard it before, thank you for linking to it. I think your suggesstion is a good one - what does everyone else think?

I had never heard it before and one of the mums on the bereaved mums thread linked it for us. I sob all the way through it....snotty cry, red eyes etc etc....it is so perfect - it fits the bill for anyone who has lost a dearly loved one...will link you to our thread so you can see what I mean. Its so helpful to see people 'further along' in their 'crappy path journey'. We have lots of smiles, laughs, drunken moments and tears on our thread but there is always a place to vent our feelings where other people know exactly what your state of mind is.

Many of you ladies on here are in the very early stages of grief and bereavement. The difficult early days when everything and anything sends you running and you cant imagine how you can ever smile or be happy again. Its just a case of learning how to cope - although older grief has an awful habbit of biting you on the arse bum from time to time.

My sanctuary - the bereaved Mummies thread