"Pre-grieved?"

[Cicatrice]

My Dad died earlier in the year, having had dementia for some time. And I really don't feel much different to how I felt before he died. I keep waiting for "something" to hit me, but nothing has.

My Dr said to me that when someone who has dementia or Alzheimers dies you don't start grieving, you stop. Do you think thats true?

My friend has recently lost her mum and talks about it hitting her anew every time her DS does something new or cute and she goes to phone her mum, but my Dad wasn't there in that sense for years before he died. Have I grieved already? Is this it?

When my uncle died my mum and her sister felt like this, he'd been ill with a brain tumour and his death was like a 'release', they had been grieving for months..

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I have experienced exactly the same, since my mum died (over 5 years ago now).

She had been suffering from cancer, and died just over 5 years after her first diagnosis. I was very close to her and thought I would be devastated when she died. I was - after the initial shock, as she died suddenly - very disturbed at my apparent lack of grief. I went to the GP who referred me to a grief counsellor.

Her verdict was that I had been grieving during the period of time from her diagnosis.

I still wonder, but am happy, at least for the moment, that I'm not wracked with awful grief.

I'm very sorry for your loss, but I think you have to accept that you feel how you feel - you can't force anything.

I think everyone experiences bereavement in different ways although this is fairly obvious.
My mum is ill and in some ways experiences a type of dementia. I feel I have already grieved for the loss of my mum as she was. She's still alive but in very much a different role.
Maybe you don't feel different because his role has changed so much before he died.

Perhaps the fact that you are thinking about this now is that you are grieving for him now? Your asking this question makes me think you are trying to process the experience still, that's bereavement isn't it? Just because you're not wailing and sobbing on the floor doesn't mean you are not grieving.

I know my dad and my aunt felt that when my gran died. She'd had Alzheimer's for about 5 years. My aunt called it "a blessed release" which it kind of was, although very, very sad.

In a way we all seemed to start talking about her and remembering her from before the dementia, as she was and had been for most of her life and that was lovely after years of that being overshadowed by the illness.

Thanks. To begin with, I thought it was just that I didn't have the headspace to be upset because DS is quite demanding and I had the funeral etc to organise.

But I'm still waiting for something. I don't know what.

I think the grief is there, it's just different. My mother died after a long fight with cancer - I was very young (16), but all I really felt at the time was relief that it was over - for her sake and ours.

As the time has passed I have mourned her and missed her - for a while almost constantly - but it was very different from the much more recognisable grief I felt when my father died (very suddenly).

I am very sorry for your troubles.

My Dad has a very aggressive form of dementia. My Mum is already grieving for him not least because he is in a nursing home now and she now lives alone (after 50 years of marriage).

I have done a lot of grieving for him as well and actually, in some ways, wish that the end would come sooner rather than later

I think Alzheimers/Dementia is particularly cruel because the person you knew really is no longer there.

It's crap isn't it?

It makes sense to me. My mum has Alzheimer's and I'm definitely grieving for the mum I had while she's still here. I can remember sobbing all the way home the day I realised that "mum" isn't always there any more .

I never really grapsed how far gone he was until I was expecting. He was never really interested in my career (or husband) and I would tell him stuff and it would just wash over him (I thought).

But he was fairly indifferent when I told him I was pregnant and then he forgot. My Dad - in his full capacity would have been thrilled to be a grandad. He would always call DS by the wrong name, and couldn't identify him in a photo. Always thought it was me.

Cica i think it is also down to how you handle grief personally.
When i lost my mum to a brain tumour it was only 5 mths from diagnosis to death.
I then found out i was pg with ds too.
My hv kept telling me i would be hit with grief , to watch out for pnd etc, i never was.
I missed my mum dreadfully and was heartbroken. It was a relief obviously she was no longer suffering but i don't think i had long enough to say i had already dealt with my grief in the short space she was ill.
I often remember thinking is this it , will it hit me tom....
I think you just have to with how you feel

I don't know cicatrice - i have been through exactly the same. My dad had alzheimers and it was just awful, horrid - no words to describe it There were times when the phone would ring and i would secretly hope it was his care home telling me he had a heart attack and died. He deteriorated quickly and died from lung cancer - i remember when he died feeling nothing. I was called on the monday and he didn't die until the following Sunday, but he wasn't concious really. For a while he wouldnt even register i was standing in front of him, he would register my mum though. I had to switch off, i had to otherwise i would not have coped. I just used to tell myself i was a bitch and that i should be prepared to live with it afterwards iyswim. When he died everyone must have thought i was as hard as nails, but how could i explain to them that the person lying there wasn't my dad and that i knew that my dad would not have wanted me to see him like that. I was like "can we go home now then?" I remember asking the doctor if he was "going to take much longer" My lovely dad had been gone from me for almost a year by then.

Its so very cruel - because although you have lost them already, you don't really get the chance to grieve properly while they are still alive, but when they go you are so fucking thankfull that they have been delivered from a living hell. I can honestly say, hand on heart that i was glad when my dad finally passed away.

He never got to meet DD2 and this breaks my heart, she was 8 weeks old when he died. Now she is 4 and i do very much miss the fact that he isn't there for the milestones, i imagine he is there, i can see him getting choked up at school events, sometimes i imagine bumping into him as we walk up the alley, all things like that - it took time for that to come.

I do totally understand where you are coming from Cicatrice, however, there is a caveat - i would urge you to talk to someone about your feelings. I have had a breakdown since my father died and whilst there are other factors, mostly PND, im sure my sticking my head in the sand about losing my dad was the major factor.

I am very sorry for your loss, i hate to read of other people having to go through this, its truly awful - its not called the long goodbye for nothing

Dementia is a truly terrible thing. Gradually, they are just a shell. I really knew how serious it was, when he forgot that he smoked. He was a SERIOUS smoker all through my childhood.

i denied it to myself and everyone around me that my father was ill. I knew deep down but i wouldnt have it. Nothing could have every prepared me for how awful it all was in the end

Be kind to yourself cicatrice, don't force your feelings. What matters is, your dad knew deep down in his heart that you loved him. I hold on to that fact every day

Thank you imaynotbeperfect, it was a very hard situation to be in but my aunt dropped dead with no prior notice and her two boys were utterly poleaxed and still are two years later.I feel that my grief is inadequate by comparison.

I am seeing a counsellor for PND but I'm not sure that it really is PND, more the stress of having a small baby and an incapacitated parent simultaneously.

I feel for everyone who has responded. It's a hard thing.

I don' think it matters what label it has really Cicatrice - i think we can only take so much, iyswim - im glad you are getting counselling.

I noticed my husband didn't seem to mourn his mother as intensely as I'd expected. She'd had a stroke three years earlier and gradually declined. I think he'd been saying goodbye all that time and was relieved that she was no longer suffering.

Interestingly, he rang her, on impluse, the evening she died and was the last person to have a conversation with her, about three hours before she died. I think she had a very special place in her heart for him (he is one of four children). Perhaps when she spoke to him she realised that he was just fine and she could let go.

No it is not intense. It is the same "lack" that I have had in increasing volume for the last five years (or so)

The damage is done in the early stages when you think that your parent doesn't care/disapproves of what you are doing, when in fact they just don't connect to it at all.

Cicatrice - yes I do firmly believe that 'pre-grieving' does happen.

It is something I experienced very intensely when my wife was diagnosed with cancer. It was very clear all the doctors believed she would die, she believed she would die and I woke at night several times literally screaming and truely believing she was laid dead beside me. I planned her funeral in my mind in great detail. I prepared for life beyond her death and truely grieved until I felt hollow.

She was very very ill, but eventually went into remission after a lot of operations and chemo. She is still alive after 10 years but it took until very recently to allow myself to be vulnerable and love again. It was like I had put her memory in a box in my mind.

I don't know what would happen if the cancer came back having grieved once. I might not be able to grieve again.

My mother was ill for some years before she died and I didn't really grieve much when she died because over the years we had lost her slowly. I get the odd twinge looking at old photos or the cookery books I've inherited from her, remembering all the many great times and how she was such a loving mother, but I haven't felt the need to have a real cry.

i was a bit like this when my dad died in feb this year. I expected to be in bits, but apart from cry when I heard, I was not as grief stricken as I epected. I think it was I was relieved. I was so scared of him suffering and being scared(he had a brain tumour, my mum died of one so he knew everything) I miss him every day and would love to go back in time, but I think I grieved once I knew he was dying. that is whne I did my crying.

Hi Cicatrice.

In my experience... yes. I stopped grieving. I did all of my grieving for 10 years. Nothing has ever "hit" me subsequently. Occaisionally I have a little cry, if I remember something pre-dementia but that's it. I suppose I didn't miss someone who wasn't there.

My dad eventually died of cancer 2 and a half years ago. It was a blessing. I really feel for you because for some time I felt that I was missing something by not grieving - and started to think that I was lacking love and humanity, but I remember how much I cried and cried those 10 years ago and how I dealt with his decline over the years. I know I was grieving. I always did know.

I did this when my gran died.
I had a good cry about it when I finally realised she was going to die but when it actually happened I was quite together, felt sort of angry at myself for not getting upset.

Thanks to everybody who responded. Its reassuring to know that I'm not alone.

You are not alone.
I think you start the process early on when they are diagnosed but often we are kept busy looking after them and even thou we know they will die it kind of doesn't seem possible.
Grieving takes many forms and there are no shortcuts it hits you when it hits you.
My lovely husband had avterminal brain tumour, mostly he wasn't aware enough to know what was happening to him but I always knew.
Steve died last June and me and our three kids are doing ok mostly.

You are not alone.
I think you start the process early on when they are diagnosed but often we are kept busy looking after them and even thou we know they will die it kind of doesn't seem possible.
Grieving takes many forms and there are no shortcuts it hits you when it hits you.
My lovely husband had avterminal brain tumour, mostly he wasn't aware enough to know what was happening to him but I always knew.
Steve died last June and me and our three kids are doing ok mostly.