My lovely dad died yesterday- still numb- feel like I'm in someone's nightmare

[anastasia74]

My lovely dad died yesterday. Can't believe its us in this situation - it does'nt seem real.

My dad had a heart bypass almost 2 weeks ago, we all thought it would be fairly routine and although we were worried for him in hospital, did not for a second think that this would be the outcome.Doctors were so pleased with his recovery. He took ill after just one day at home- started getting breathless and then spent 5 days in ICU with an infection. In the end his heart could not take the strain and it failed. Been to spend day with my poor mum, hurts so much to see that life is just going on as normal for everyone and our family are devastated. Keep expecting to see his face at the window, he had a habit of just popping up to our house. He never just walked in. He would stand looking in at the lounge window.Can't believe I'm never going to able to talk to him again. Heartbroken.

Hi anastasia....sorry I've not been around last couple of days but both my kids are poorly atm.

I'm pleased you managed to get thru the last few days. You will feel mentally and physically exhausted for some time BUT...you got thru it all ok....it's a new fresh start for you now. Your Dad, although I know how much you want him with you, is happy and out of pain. He is now watching over you all with a lovely happy smile on his face, proud of the fact that you, his lovely caring daughter did so much to help lay him to rest in a civilised lovely caring manner.

Your Mum will be ok...it does take a long time to adjust being on your own - my Mum had never even had a night on her own and she was 66 when my Dad passed away. They'd been together for almost 50yrs. I just made sure I was always around for Mum - I was lucky I have a sister and brother who were around during those initial weeks and between us we made sure Mum was ok. We tried not to impose too much and after a few weeks we deliberately kept our distance to let her find her feet, adjust, cope etc etc. It was especially hard for Mum because Dad died in the November so Mum had to cope with the darker evenings too but she managed. Even now, almost 5yrs later, I worry about her on her own but my mind is soon put to rest when I go over and find her knee deep digging the garden over or she's gone out and I later find out she's got the bus into town and taken herself shopping! Fortunately she's a very independent woman anyway - if you are concerned about how your Mum is going to cope especially if she has arthritic hands...why not look at getting things to help her undo jars...Lakeland sell these cover thingys you put over a lid and help grip it to open...even one of those grabber thingys like what litter-picker-uppers use just to help you pick things up or reach up into cupboards...little things like that can help.

Anyway...good for you for getting thru this week so far...you should be very proud of yourself. xx

Thanks Whispywhisp for your advice and encouraging words in coping with my dads death and aftermath, I hope your children are better today.

I just thank god I have my daughter to focus on. She is like my stake in the future. Something to move on with things for. Also, my husband has been great. It make you take absolutely nothing for granted when you lose someone.

I've found it a great help to hear from others on here who have been through it all.

I feel that my body is sort of being to come to terms with it all and don't feel has shattered all the time and I have made a decision to try and not think about his last few days/negative parts and to focus on other things. Its difficult because its night time when those images come into my head. But need to override it and feel that I managing to do so.

My mum is doing ok I think, she seems to be being very practical at the moment, getting her paperwork sorted out.

Everyone has been lovely to her, who she has told -insurance,the bank when we went to sort their accounts out etc etc. I thought they must be so used to this situation which is very sad, but a fact of life I suppose.

Thanks again everyone.

Hi Anastasia, I have been followng your posts. My dad died in April so I know totally what you are going through. It was only 3 months ago yet it seems like an eternity since I last saw him.

I too worry aout my mum, sometimes it feels like double the grief. I have no siblings to share the load with so it's just me.

Dh is wonderful, I have a fab ds, and amazing friends. But I think that noone truly knows how changed your inner being is after something like this happens.

It makes you wonder what the hell life is all about doesn't it?

I am really sorry for your sad loss, but our Dads will always be with us - in our thoughts, our hearts and our conversation.

Nothing that anybody says right now is gonna make you feel anybetter but i promise that time is a healer and things will eventually get easier. i lost my Dad about 2 and a half years ago now and i still find it hard at times but i just know he is still here with me. you can always talk to ur dad he will listen to you and watch over you. i see a spiritualist regualry and it really helps me my dad comes through really strong and so much has happend it is to much to be coinsidence. when my dad first died i bought some books by someone called jacky Newcombe and they help me loads. u should try them they are so inspiring.

for now keep strong and remeber the good times and that he is still here spirtually.
Thinking of you at this time xxx

anastasia...how are you? x

Hi Whispywhisp and thanks stuck and DrNortherner for your words of comfort. Its a great help.

I feel not too bad today and more in control of my emotions. The heavy weight I felt I had on my chest has lifted today.

I've told work I'll go back on monday - hope its not to soon, (dad died 3 weeks tomorrow). so now feel apprehensive about how I will feel about the pettyness of everyday life in the office - when I feel like I've just been through a devastating period in my life and am still dealing with the loss.

I feel I'll be ok in time. Just worried about my mum now who has to start life again on her own.

Hi anastasia...your mum will be ok - if she's anything like her daughter, she'll be fine. Yes its hard to start to live your life on your own and yes my Mum found it very hard but she managed it, albeit at her own pace, but she's coped with the huge void in her life and, like she so often said to me, life goes on and it does.

Going back to work is a positive step for you - yes you'll see everything in a completely different light - I did. I used to hear people moaning about the most trivial of things, whereas before my Dad died I might've joined in and moaned too, but after he died I just said to myself 'life is too damn short' and kept out of it!

Good luck with going back to work and well done you for coping as well as you have.

Hi Anastasia,

Just been reading your messages and there are some really kind words in there.

I'm currently trying to come to terms with the loss of my dad. He died rather suddenly in the early hours of 12th July, after battling cancer for the past 7 months. His funerasl was also held on the 20th July.

I still can't believe he's gone and when I go to see my mum I keep expecting him to walk down the driveway.

I have an 8 month old boy, who I am really trying to stay strong for. It is really difficult coping with a baby and grieving at the same time.

I'm really sorry for your loss and I really hope things are improving for you.

Take care.

my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time xx

Hi, well I'm still here on this nightmare journey of grief for my lovely dad - the journey so many of us on here are taking and know only too well.

Went back to work today. So, got that hurdle over. It felt very strange.

Felt like I was acting the part of someone who know someone who had recently died...did'nt feel when I was talking like it was about my experiences... felt detached- like I was playing the part of someone just getting on with there life like nothing has happened. I suppose its self- preservation.

Found it quite exhausting and now feel like I just want to fall into bed. I think if someone has said a cross word to me. I would have burst into tears, not that anyone would.

My mum seems to sound ok today. First day I've not visited her for about a month- Since my dads heart bypass was done and I went to stop with her for company when he went into hospital. I think she is a very good actor as well.

Feel that we've all got a very long way to go yet.

Hugs to everyone who is in same position.

Well got through another day at work-just.

Got really choked up this afternoon. I work in an open plan office and my colleague who sits over my screen rang her dad to run her an errand.

She was laughing and having a joke with him. It really hurt that will never be me again. My dad was such good fun - a real tonic in tough times, he had a knack of saying the right thing.

I suppose there are going to be loads of times that this happens.

Thinking of you Anastacia, I think the numbness is an inbuilt mechanism to help us cope with losing the ones we love, Im thinking of you too, its only a few weeks since I was where you are now, and it is a painful time.

The feelings will come back, but Im sure you're aware of that, take it easy, treat yourself very gently and you'll somehow get through it.

xxx

It does feel like such a long journey, at the momen i feel it is an endless journey. I am taking my mum to the stone masons o saturday to choose my dad's headstone. I thnk I may actually physically throw up when i see my dads name carved in granite

I burst into tears at work today. I started my job a week after my dads funeral, today i was chattig with some colleagues and they were saying that at first they didn't like me as I was really stand offish. I said no wonder, seeing as I had just buried my dad and burst into tears.

They feel awful, and I didn't mean to make them feel like that. They had no idea.

I think I am doing OK, then, grief hits again like a sledgehammer.Today i just feel too tired to be brave, just want to sob and sob.

Funny how us strangers on the internet are all going through parallel emotions across the country.

I went up to the crem the other day on my own to have a look at some of the memorials and gravestones etc. and ended up being a bit weird and watched some funerals going in and out. Its strange. Death is so hidden from us, then it effects us, and there it is, this whole new world of undertakers, coroners, crematoriums, gravestones, sorting finances out with inconsiderate arse hole banks and pension people............but then also the overwhelming generosity and humanity shown from friends and family.

I feel really spiritual at the moment. I feel just what MrsArchie's poem said further up (here again)

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well

And I also feel immensely aware of my own mortality now.....when I was with my dad in the Chapel of Rest, it crossed my mind that that could be me in 30 years time.......and 30 years is NOTHING...........so I plan to make use of every day.

Its a lovely sunny day, feel I should go to my dads grave to take some fresh flowers - only been once since funeral 5 weeks ago. I went a few days after the funeral - was numb then - did'nt seem real.

But now it seems very real, frightened of how I'll feel. Feel it will be too unsetting at the moment.

Just how long will it take for me to go there and not feel totally shattered by it.

Suppose I still can't accept the reality of it. I don't want to.

((Hugs)) to everyone going through this nightmare.

So very sorry Anastasia - hope you manage to go to the grave and that is it not as bad as you are expecting. Once you have done it, it may be a comfort to you to know you can, and that you can go again any time you want.

Best wishes

Not having good week. Still have'nt been to dads grave. Neither has my mum. It looks like we are going this weekend.

Feel very very down - I don't want to be at work -its 5 weeks now since dad passed away - cant sleep very well at moment. Had this a few weeks ago, but it passed.

Beginning to feel very run down - can't wait for bank holiday to have some time to just go and do what I want or just stop in bed all day.

Getting busier at work and can't consentrate

Colleagues understanding but still feel I should'nt be there - needed more time.

Will there ever be enough time in the world to come to terms with not having my dad - I don't think so.

(((Hugs))) to others going through the nightmare.

Not having good week. Still have'nt been to dads grave. Neither has my mum. It looks like we are going this weekend.

Feel very very down - I don't want to be at work -its 5 weeks now since dad passed away - cant sleep very well at moment. Had this a few weeks ago, but it passed.

Beginning to feel very run down - can't wait for bank holiday to have some time to just go and do what I want or just stop in bed all day.

Getting busier at work and can't consentrate

Colleagues understanding but still feel I should'nt be there - needed more time.

Will there ever be enough time in the world to come to terms with not having my dad - I don't think so.

(((Hugs))) to others going through the nightmare.

anastasia, just wanted to say: , my mum died on 31 May after years of ill health after a bypass and heart valve surgery...... it was a dreadful, slow, agonising, painful and at times humiliating decline and i just wanted to say that the bypass wasn't neccessarily the nirvana you may feel it would have been. The cardiac drugs are very powerful with many, many side effects, so that the patient sometimes feels burdened by the effort of staying alive. For my mum, at least, the drugs gave her quantity of life at the expense of any quality, at at the end they literally prevented her heart from going bang, so she drowned slowly as her kidneys failed along with the heart. I don't mean to be harsh, and I wish everyone on here with a relative on cardiac treatment a better outcome, but I just want you to know that your Dad passing quickly may also have been a blessing you cannot imagine (sorry if i am speaking out of turn).
I went to Mum's grave on the weekend and sat on the ground and stroked the grass where I think her cheek would have been and cried for her: I don't really care how stupid that looked ]. Go to the grave: I can't say it will help but it won't make things worse. I really do feel for you.

Thanks Salvolatire.

Yes, your right. I'm glad he was not in too much discomfort for too long. That was a blessing.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum going through what she did. You always imagine people dieing serenely in there sleep but in reality I suppose its never like that is it.

Just hurts that he's not one of the success stories we hear about with the new lease of life bypass gives people.

I suppose I'm over that stage about the why's and if's. Just trying to come to terms with the huge loss in our lives and the fallout his loss has caused.

Mums still wanting to sell family home, as she feels she can't cope. Hope she will feel different in time. Would hate to see someone else living there. Dad would never have moved.

((Hugs)) to everyone who has lost someone.