My lovely dad died yesterday- still numb- feel like I'm in someone's nightmare

[anastasia74]

My lovely dad died yesterday. Can't believe its us in this situation - it does'nt seem real.

My dad had a heart bypass almost 2 weeks ago, we all thought it would be fairly routine and although we were worried for him in hospital, did not for a second think that this would be the outcome.Doctors were so pleased with his recovery. He took ill after just one day at home- started getting breathless and then spent 5 days in ICU with an infection. In the end his heart could not take the strain and it failed. Been to spend day with my poor mum, hurts so much to see that life is just going on as normal for everyone and our family are devastated. Keep expecting to see his face at the window, he had a habit of just popping up to our house. He never just walked in. He would stand looking in at the lounge window.Can't believe I'm never going to able to talk to him again. Heartbroken.

[whispywhisp]

Hi anastasia...glad the day with the funeral directors went ok - i can remember we had a meeting with the vicar to organise my Dad's funeral - again it didn't feel right and especially hard when the meeting was at home and Dad's empty chair was so obviously in the room and we were talking about him.

The funeral will be a tough day, there is no doubting that. You will be physically and mentally drained by the end of it. I especially found it hard seeing the funeral car arrive with my Dad's beautiful coffin inside it. I knew I'd find that view hard and yes it was. I couldn't come to terms with the fact my Dad was lying inside it...someone who had been in my life for almost 40yrs had gone and was out my reach forever.

Are you having your Dad buried or cremated?

We had Dad buried. I bought some beautiful bright yellow roses which I threw onto the coffin as it was lowered into the ground. I don't know if you're allowed to do that with your Dad's funeral but it is worth asking. As I threw them I told him I love him and always will and that he will always have a very special place close to my heart.

Losing anyone in life is so very very hard to bare. You are so not alone in all this. My heart goes out to you during these awfully sad days you have ahead of you. I found it such a lonely time especially as so many of my mates still have their parents - they tried to comfort/help/support me but I still felt I was on my own.

Don't be hard on yourself. Look after yourself. Put yourself first. It's all too easy to think of everyone else's feelings during this sad time but give yourself time too. You will need it. When I felt really low I would simply go and sit somewhere by myself....just sitting outside in the dark looking up at the stars was a comfort - finding the most twinkly one and imagine that was my Dad telling me to 'sort yourself out my girl, get yourself back indoors and look after those Grand-daughters of mine and that lovely husband of yours!'....I do think those we lose watch over us and and I do believe they keep an eye on us - and for that reason alone you will be fine. xxxxx

[MrsArchieTheInventor]

Hi Anastasia74

I'm so, so sorry for your loss! It's even more cruel that his heart failed after he'd fought for so long.

I know how it feels to lose a parent as my mum died in March 2008. It's a shock and it doesn't feel fair that the world carries on regardless when you're hurting so much and reeling from the pain of your father dying. Someone said to me that when your parents die a part of you dies too, and that's true. The little things that your father did that seem so trivial and insignificant to the outside world but were what made him special are no longer there, and it's heartbreaking that you won't see him at your window. I don't know your stance on what happens after we die (and I'm one of the biggest questioners of faith around) but maybe your dad is still at your window looking in, it's just that you can't see him. Next time you look out your window give him a smile in the way you always did.

I always think of my favourite poem whenever I think of mum, Death Is Nothing At All by Henry Scott-Holland. It was read at her funeral service and the words bring a slight comfort on days when I really, really, feel it that she's no longer here.

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well

[anastasia74]

Miss archie, whispy and littlegirl I would just like to say thankyou so much for your comforting words and advice, yes even though I am not religious, I find it very comforting to think of my dad being around looking out for me, like he always did. The poem is beautiful - I have heard it before somewhere. I will ask my mum and sister if they would be happy for me to ask the vicar to read it out.

I am torn between wanting the day to be a celebration of my dads life with his favourite music and readings - then the next minute feel that it would be more painful for us for it to be so personal to him, and then think it would be better for it be over as quick as possible.

He will be buried, so the roses are a lovely guesture of love.

Thanks again, you are a great help to me in trying to get through this.

[anastasia74]

My teenage daughter is coming home tomorrow from her holiday.

She does'nt know yet about her grandad, he was improving when she last saw him in hospital. We have just told her he's still in hospital when she has rang, and she has not asked any more questions.

But last night she texted me to see when he's coming home. Just told her we don't know. Dreading giving her the news. Feel that we ought to prepare her by texting that he is quite poorly.

Any advice how to go about it. Thanks.

[whispywhisp]

anastasia...I would be honest with her especially as she is a teenager...it was the hardest job in the world to tell my daughters that their Grandad had died - especially my eldest who was 7 at the time because she absolutely adored him. Kids are amazing - they seem to be quite strong in times like this - you may even find it a huge comfort knowing that she knows and she will become a tower of strength for you. xx

[whispywhisp]

anastasia...hows things? x

[anastasia74]

Hi Whispywhisp. Thanks for asking. My daughter arrived home yesterday to the news.

She was so upset bless her. such a shock and found it difficult being at my mum and dads house like I did last week. Having a week to adjust, it doesnt hurt as much moving his shoes etc, and tidying around for my mum.

We have chosen some beautiful music pieces for the church - the vicar is going to read 2 humanist poems for us. Which is very kind of him. He was lovely - he said what ever we wanted he would try to accommodate.

We are just putting a history together of my dads life, with humourous incidents that have happened to him over the years. He was quite accident prone when he was younger.

Just hope that we are all ok for the service, I'm sort of dreading what happens after. Nothing else to sort out for him. Just emptiness. Feels rawer today for some reason. Just worried about my mum now, said she wants to move, too many memories of dad in the house. How did your mum cope afterwards?My dad was a builder - he built there house and loads of features in the garden etc. So everywhere you look he left his mark.

Thanks again for asking how we are doing. Your words have been very comforting.

[GIvePeasAChance]

You are a week ahead of me.

My dear dear dad died yesterday. I am just so gutted I can barely speak. I seriously feel like I have become mute today.

I am dreading the funeral. And I have promised I will do a eulogy, with humour and all. Not sure I can do it.

I hope your father's funeral goes OK anastasia. I feel like I want to keep his things around the house. I have brought some of his shoes home tonight and find them wierdly comforting.

I feel so upset he is in the mortuary all alone tonight.

[whispywhisp]

Hiya....

How did my Mum cope? Well, she immediately said she wanted to move house too, especially as their home was our family home so far too big for just her on her own. However as the weeks/months went by she decided she was going to stay put because she didn't want to leave the memories of Dad behind. In fact she was asked, shortly after he died, by a builder if she would sell part of her very large garden so some more new houses could be built - she refused and said no because her garden was her memorial for my Dad who also enjoyed pottering about in the garden.

One of the hardest jobs was to help get my Dad's stuff together. She washed and ironed all his clothes and folded them all up and put them in bags for the charity shops. Because Mum doesn't drive I took the bags to the British Heart Foundation shop. Parting with my Dad's belongings was one of the hardest things to do. I dreaded walking past that shop for fear of seeing something of my Dad's in the window for sale.

My Mum was brilliant at going thru my Dad's stuff. She didn't start doing it until after we had laid him to rest. She did it all at her own pace - bit by bit and she has kept a few bits of his - his books, old radios, diaries etc...but has kept them tucked away.

I worried about my Mum initially. She had never lived on her own for her entire life - so to suddenly live on your own in a big house I thought was quite scary for her but she adjusted quite quickly. Fortunately she has a very matter of fact attitude and knew she had no choice but to 'carry on'. I can remember her saying...'life is too short, make the most of the time you have left and you've lost your Dad, you're not going to lose your Mum too'....

I lost my Dad as a result of a drunk 19yo driver who was 3 times over the limit and high on 'E'. He smashed into my Dad's car. My Dad was never the same after that accident and aged years afterwards. He died just a few weeks later. The boy who hit Dad lives just a few doors from my Mum so she had to cope with seeing the lad around too. The lad was banned from driving for just 12mths.

You are going thru such a tough time at the moment anastasia. You are trying to be strong for your daughter, your husband and your Mum but please do not forget about YOU. You have lost your lovely Dad.....sometimes in cases like this I think its good you take time out for yourself, even if its just 5mins to go and sit somewhere on your own and reflect...enjoy your memories of him - the times he made you laugh etc...I can remember so vividly the very last conversation I had with my Dad - he was eating his dinner at the time and I can even remember what was on his plate....initially all I could remember about him was the most recent times with him but eventually all the previous 38yrs come flooding in and you end up remembering your childhood memories too, which is great.

I think its great you are doing a piece on your Dad's history....we did this for my Dad too and even one-worder memories which can conjure up many memories such as....mint-humbugs (he always ate them!), roast chestnuts (he always did them on the fire), tobacco tins (he kept piles of them with various articles in them!), his pipe (which he kept on him like a child with a dummy!), peel-aparts (what he used to call his hankies!) and various other words....my Dad had such a brilliant witty sense of humour and it was only right that we tried to make his funeral as light-hearted as possible but even so I found it incredibly sad.

We also did a beautiful picture of a collage of various photos of my Dad which we had put up in the entrance to the church...it included photos of him with the grandchildren, when he got married, when he was in the RAF etc etc....it was then taken to the wake and loads of people were able to look at it and enjoy seeing Dad.

Anyway I'm glad you have told your daughter and I can understand how hard it has been for her too. Its hard losing anyone in life but when you're a teenager it must be even harder. My daughter was only 7 but she coped very well but she does have the occasional wobbly day - she's almost 11 now but she's been a huge comfort for me too.

Keep in touch...I'll keep popping back to this thread.....xxxxxx

[whispywhisp]

Hi givepeasachance...

I'm sorry to read you've lost your Dad too. I had that same awful thought that Dad was lying in that mortuary on his own...and I wanted to be with him, to keep him warm. I felt bad for letting the undertakers take him away. It was horrible seeing him be taken out the house in a bag and be put in the back of a van. But I knew it had to be. I waited for days for him to come back and go to the chapel of rest and even then he spent a good week at the chapel before his funeral. The whole two weeks between when he died and when he was laid to rest was the longest 2wks of my life. I used to walk past the chapel and look up at the windows and say 'my dad is in there, on his own' and I wanted to go in and take him home. Mad isn't it? Then when he was buried I'd drive past the cemetary and worry he was cold (it was Winter at the time) and felt I had to go up and keep him warm.

Like anastasia...you're going thru a really awfully sad time too. Just take your time. One day at a time.....cry when you want to - its important you don't bottle up your feelings, and like I've said to anastasia take time out for yourself and take care of YOU...xxxxx

[Frizbe]

sorry for your loss

[Bibithree]

So very sorry for your losses anastacia and givepeas. I lost my Dad a few days after a supposedly straightforward operation 3 years ago.
My thoughts are with you both, don't know what else to say except I hope you are both okay.

[BikeRunSki]

I'm so sorry. My dad died 16 years ago, when I was 23. I cried all through his funeral and I still miss him, but the pain does get easier.

Of course you can still sit down and have a chat! I do - he is always there in spirit. I know that he was there when I graduated, got married and had my son, but also just when I have been having a bit of a bad day. I sounds like he really loved you. He still does. He'll still look in on you.

[maltesers]

Hugs and heartfelt sympathies to you Anastasia...no matter what we all say words are not enough and this time of loss.. Dads are special ..x
My Dad is 82 now and is very ill with heart failure..i keep expecting him to die any day.. i have it all to come to... you are not alone. Hoping you family can all support each other and you at this difficult time. Take care XX

[poface]

I'm very sorry for your loss anastasia. I lost my mum in July 2 years ago. But she had been ill for a long time so there was a relief in her letting go. Dreamed about her intensely for quite a while after. I do hope you start to feel better over the next few weeks. I found the funeral rather cathartic and took a lot of solace in helping to plan it in a way that made a fitting send off for my mum. Hope it helps you in the same way.

[Sidge]

anastasia and givepeas - I'm so so sorry you have lost your darling dads. I lost my dad at the end of January; I can hardly believe it's nearly 6 months as the grief is still very raw.

Life will seem unreal for some time; be kind to yourselves and please offload here on MN. There are lots of very kind people who will share your pain and support you as they sadly understand what you are going through.

[GIvePeasAChance]

I wish I had not looked at him when he had died at the house. I can't get the picture of it out of my head. His colour and expression. And that I should have been there to help my mum get him out of the car.

Hijack alert. Sorry anastasia, I just saw your thread and it had the same title that I would have started

[Sidge]

Givepeas, I'm sorry you have that experience. It is very hard, as someone who has recently died can look so different and not at all like our loved one. Do you have a picture of him looking well, that you can keep with you to remind yourself what he really looked like?

[GIvePeasAChance]

Thanks Sidge. I am so lucky because I know I have some wonderul pictures of him and amazing memories. I have some pictures of when he gave me away when we got married and I have been looking at them tonight and they are just wonderful. But then I cannot help comparing them to what happened to him, and how he ended up. My dear dad reduced to that.

I am sure these horrible memories of his actual death will fade. But they are so vivid today and they were in my dreams last night.

[whispywhisp]

givepeas....

One of my lasting memories of Dad was also seeing him lying on the floor at home, having already died. I had to identify him for the Police and Scenes of Crime who were there because at the time we had to rule out anything suspicious. My Mum just couldn't do it, bless her. He died whilst my Mum was at work.

Anyway I didn't want that last impression of him to be the last one that I saw which is why I went to see him at the Chapel of Rest, hopefully looking a lot more peaceful. When he was at home his eyes were wide open, heavily bloodshot and his mouth wide open too.

It was ok at the Chapel but it didn't really help to be honest because he'd gone through a heavy PM and didn't look like Dad at all but it meant I could hold his hand, kiss him and I even tidied his hair up for him! It was hard seeing Dad in both circumstances but I'm glad I did it because it helped me to come to terms with the fact he had gone.

For some time afterwards I couldn't get those visions out of my head but a few months later, with happier photos of him around me and one especially lovely picture of him holding my eldest daughter when she was a toddler...it got better.

anastasia - when is your Dad's funeral?

I hope you both (anastasia and givepeas) are finding this thread of some comfort. You are both going through probably one of the worst times of your lives. It does get easier, with time, I promise. xx

[anastasia74]

Thanks again for your comforting words everyone, Givepeas - I'm sorry that you are going through this nightmare as well at the moment, this site has helped me tremendously to get through the days, so many kind thoughtful people on here who know what we are going through.

whispywhisp, I'm sorry that your dad was was lost in that sort of situation. I don't know what to say. My heart goes out to you.

Its my dads funeral tomorrow. Feel all churned up today, did'nt sleep well last night.

We are all dreading it. We have all put so much into the service, picking music, readings etc. Just hope that can celebrate his life in the way he would have wanted, he would'nt want us to be broken down at the service.

Going to see him today, I think thats why I feel like I do today. Have been in an unreal state the last few days busy with arrangements.

But now got to face seeing him in chapel, I feel very apprehensive - just hope it helps me to see him again and that I don't regret it and then theres funeral. So it all seems very very real now.

[whispywhisp]

anastasia....just sending you a big hug for today at the chapel of rest. I'm sure you can put bits in with him - I put in a card and some photos of the girls with him. Most Chapels have cards and pens there for you but most places allow you to put in whatever you like providing its not metal! We put my Dad's pipe in topped up with fresh tobacco...mad I know but he'd have appreciated that. Good luck with it today. Another tough day but you'll get thru it. xx

givepeas..hope you're ok. xx

[FimbleHobbs]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle to yourself and take it one step at a time. x

[whispywhisp]

anastasia...how did today go? Hope you're ok. xx

[anastasia74]

whispywhisp thanks for asking - I'm not too bad, just feel exhausted by the emotion of it all now. Feel I could sleep for a week, did'nt sleep much last night.

I'm glad I went to see my dad to say goodbye, he looked really smart in his suit.

Was better than my last memory when I last saw him covered in tubes on ventilator.

The turmoil we went through on that day, him going from an improving condition to near death was devastating and the trauma of it all still feels fresh to me even now.

My Mum, daughter and husband went with me to see my dad in the chapel. My daughter said she wanted to say goodbye, as the last time she saw him, she was lecturer by him at visiting time in when she went to see him in the hospital. Not to drink too much, etc. etc. I thought she was brave, as I did'nt see my grandparents - I found it all very frightening.

The funeral went as well as could be expected - most of his friends and our family came to pay there respects, and the service and music were lovely.

My concern now is my poor mum,the adjustments that are needed, she has bad arthritis in her hands mostly and has problems driving and opening things etc,my dad did everything in the house for her as she has a lot of flair ups with her condition.

So, I'm quite worried about her for the future.