Mum's funeral....hope I can hold it together...

[Lifesabitch]

It's my lovely Mum's funeral tomorrow and I'm not sure how I'll cope. There has been some family tension and a bit of resentment towards my Dad but hopefully we're over it and are all pulling together for this but I feel exhausted by it. My heart is so heavy at having lost my lovely Mum and having to be strong for Dad is starting to take it's toll. I'm on auto-pilot and I'm not sure I'm gona cope too well at the funeral. How can I support my Dad and grieve for Mum at the same time? Mum was always the strong one and my Dad is wrecked but there are times when his actions make me wonder if it's more that he feels like he's been left behind...Dad going first would have been the easy option for him....does that make sense?

I couldn't not answer this. I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. I don't have a lot of advice but I find in any stressful or emotional situation breathing slowly and deeply helps.

Are there other family memberswho can support you and help to ease things?

I will be thinking of you xx

Yes your post makes perfect sense.

Just be there tomorrow, and don't place any expectations on yourself to hold it together, you are grieving, your dad will be grieving. Being there is enough. x take care

Yes I agree your post makes sense.

Just try to get through the day and don't look further than that, tomorrow. Be there and be how you feel. That is supporting your dad and missing your mum too.

You may well not hold it together but nobody said you should.

I am so sorry for your loss and hope the day goes OK tomorrow and you feel it is the goodbye you want for your Mum.

So sorry for your loss. Just get through the day as best you can - think of it in chunks of time. Let other people help look after your dad, take time for yourself IYSWIM.

Thanks for understanding...I do have other family who can support but cos of previous family feuds, some are not very sympathtic to Dad but whilst I feel it...he's still Dad and I know Mum would agree but would still want us to look after him. I feel like he's not allowing me to grieve cos he tells me I have to be strong and look after him. I don't want to end up resenting him for that later. I feel like I'm going to fall apart at any minute. I don't really know how to help him as he seems to want us to put our lives/feelings on hold to rally round him....Dad and I don't really talk much and aren't a touchy feely family. I feel like he's been selfish as he's not helping us grieve but expects us to be there for him!

You have to look after yourself.
Your dad is big enough to deal with his own feelings, but it sounds as though he will let other people deal with them if at all possible. He isbeing selfish.
If you need to fall apart then do, it can help. Is there a friend who can be with you?

Unmumsnetty hugs ((()))

I have DH but I'm at my folks so don't have friends here. Problem with Dad is that he's a great drama queen and brilliant with guilt trips. If we don't rally round then he'd say it's cos we don't care. I have to watch that he doesn't do this to his grandkids too. It's awful cos he's pushing us away with this behaviour...maybe there's some truth in the saying 'you've got to be cruel to be kind'? I will have to deal with my own grief myself sooner or later as I know I'll resent him later if not, which I don't want to happen.

If you feel strong enough, can you turn it around and say that he doesn't seem to be caring about you and your feelings? Or could somebody else say it? Your dh?

If not, then just try to focus on your feelings and ignore him as much as possible. Funerals are important occasions and I will always regret missing the main part of my dad's.

Hope it went okay for you xx