Very very low after family get-together this weekend

[MissM]

As some of you will know from other threads, my brother died of cancer last October, aged 34. He was a brilliant musician and all-round amazing person, and had a whole life ahead of him.

Anyway, it was his wife's birthday this weekend so my mum arranged a get-together with the family and a couple of my brother's good friends. It was a nice day but so heavy with sadness that he wasn't there. None of us are coping very well (although we all appear to be on the outside). Today I don't want to go to work, don't want to do anything except cry and cry.

I know it's important to get together, and I know my mum is desperately trying to keep us all connected, but it's so painful as well. My poor SIL also lost her aunt to cancer last week, so god knows how she's even getting out of bed right now.

Sending you big hugs ((((((((((((())))))))))))))

so sorry MissM for what you're going through. How wonderful for you all to get together, I'm sorry that it was so painful. It is early days though, be kind to yourself. Here comes the bossy bit! However, you should go to work,if you feel you can at all, being busy can be a lifesaver.

I feel like my family are all fragmenting, desperately trying to deal with the pain somehow and having to go through the motions on the outside. I'm worried about all of them individually, and yet feeling so low myself.

Haven't had any time off work since he died (I went back after maternity leave when he'd been dead 2 weeks) and have kept myself going and going. But today I just don't want to, just want some time to think and cry and not cope for a bit.

I totally understand

My grandad passed away in March and since then we have had 2 birthdays of his great grandchildren and we have his daughters 4oth Saturday.

Each event has been tinged with such sadness as you look around and he is missing, there is always a chair empty that should be filled and it is heartbreaking.

You have my sympathies

((((hugs))))

So sorry I have lost 2 of my 4 sons. Your words describe how I felt in the 'early days' - and still do sometimes. Lost my 7month old son 27 years ago and my 7 year old son 17 years ago - the pain is physical and mental and seems like it will never, ever go away.

I dont think it ever goes away though - I think the passage of time dulls it around the edges and you learn to 'live with it.' I hate all these 'time heals' type of quotes but they are very true.

Your poor, poor Mum - she is trying to survive the worst possible death - that of a child - no matter what age. I wish I could take all of you a few years down the line to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel (there I go again!!) its just that sometimes the lightbulb needs changing.

I will link you to a special thread on MN. Its a thread for bereaved Mums but anyone who has lost someone precious to them is always made more than welcome. It is not always a sad thread - often filled with laughter but its my sanctuary. xx

My sanctuary

Shabster thank you. Your words are very very kind. I guess I can't believe a better place exists right now, but I will try to hold on to your words. I am so sorry to read of your losses - so terrible and sad and wrong.

I still have doubts about the 'better place' - what better place could there be than amongst family and friends?

Be kind to yourself my love...tell your story to anyone who will listen - and even people who wont I talk about my boys every single day - sometimes just to myself!

On the bereaved mums thread we talk about 'walking the crappy path' and thats what it is - please hug your Mum from me - I know I dont know here in RL but I cannot imagine the pain of loosing an older child.

Feel free to either watch and read or post on the thread I linked. Lovely Mums all trying to deal with their losses.

MissM, just wanted to say I hear you. Family get-togethers are such a mixed experience, still. I had something similar watching DS playing with his cousins (DP's niece and nephew) - he was having a ball, and all I could think of was all the cousins on my side he'd never have, all the family moments that have been stolen from us.

I wish none of it had ever happened, for any of us.

(Btw, was that your family photo piece in the Family Guardian I saw a few months back?)

Have had a little look. I admire you women so much - how do you keep on? I want to hold on and hold on to my family, don't want to be with anyone else much, but at the same time there is so much pain floating between us all. It's wrong on so many levels that it's impossible to put words to.

I find it hard to tell people to be honest Shabster. I feel like I'm boring them, or putting my problems on them, or burdening them or making their days gloomy. I wonder as well if people are scared because they don't want to think about such pain happening to them.

Can't work today. Too sad.

Hello Cyteen, nice to see you.

I feel like that too with my DCs - they lost an uncle who would have been so exciting and given them such experiences. I feel really angry on their behalf that their family are going through this at the beginning of their lives.

Yes, that was me. Well spotted! Anonymity blown!

I personally think that we all 'keep going' because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about. We have times when one of us is very down and we all try to rally around them and prop them up for a while - until it is our turn to be down. Also we are all blessed beyond belief with surviving children - children who need laughter and love around them.

If anyone asks me about my children I always say 'I have had four wonderful sons' then, depending how the mood takes me, I will either leave it at that or tell them the full story.

Be kind to yourself and take the time to cry, scream, reflect and dont forget to smile as well. xxxx

It was a really lovely picture, and a really lovely piece

Thank you

Feel a lot better now. Took the day off and walked along the canal and thought about him, cried a lot. It helped.

Loads better to cry than to be 'typically British stiff upper lip.' Take care my love...dont forget to come along and join our special thread if you feel it would help.....xxxxxxxxxxxxx

MissM...so sorry for your loss...my Dad was only 33 when he died. His siblings, children and close friends have never gotten over it..family get togethers can be "intense"...but in time there will be laughter amongst the tears. These are the people that will keep your brother alive and you connected to him. When I go to see my Dads family I always find out something new (and it is now 36 years since he died)...I had little personal memory as I was just 6.

Grief is exhausting comes (and goes) in waves...just go with the flow...it is early days for you. I lost my Mum in oct also...just bumping along this shitty road that is my new life for now

Mulranno that is so sad - your dad was so young, and yet still your dad. It must help you to hear about him without having your own memories.

Grief is exhausting, it's so true. Shitty road is a very very good description - the phrase has been in my head ever since Shabster mentioned it.

Hi MissM

I'm so sorry things are rough for you atm. I can so relate to those feelings. My nanna died a couple of months before my brother, and in January of this year the whole extended family met on what would have been her birthday. It was a very hard day, both hers and Jonny's absences were heart breaking.

I'd say take some time off work if you can. Sometimes you need to take the time to grieve without any pressures to be somewhere or have a brave face on. We all need a good wallow from time to time, esp with such busy family lives. Try and take some time out, even if it has to be a weekend day, just to be alone and cry or scream or do whatever it takes. Being busy can only push down things that need to come out, though I know there is a place too for keeping occupied.

Bumping along the shitty road with you, sweet. One foot in front of the other...