Warning -- Gloomy. Have you ever seen someone after they've died? Should children see?

[Spidermama]

As I mention in another thread, my friend died suddenly in the night, leaving three young boys.

Her DH now has to decide whether to let the boys see their mum. He's undecided. Says she looks awful.

For my part I' very glad I saw my grandmother. It really helped with accepting her passing.

I'd be really glad to know how others feel and particularly if they have experience of children seeing their loved ones dead.

My dad died when I was 30 and I felt under a lot of pressure to go and see him. But my last memory of him was him waving goodbye and I wanted to keep that, so I didn't go. I have never regretted that decision.

My grandma died 5 years ago and we were at the hospital within a few minutes of her passing, so when my mum wanted me to go with her to the chapel of rest before the funeral I went in. It was bizarre because it was so not grandma. But having seen her ill then immediately dead it wasn't a shock IYSWIM.

I do think a final memory of somebody alive and happy is much nicer than remembering a corpse tho.

mumoverseas I'm so sorry. It must hurt that she never got so see her grandson.
It's such a shock when it's sudden like this isn't it? You must be a bit all over the place. I know I am.

I totally understand your NEED to see your mum. Perhaps you could go and spend a bit of time with her. I wonder if they people who were shocked and upset by the sight of loved ones are the ones who took a frightened peak then didn't look again. I could be wrong and of course everyone is different.

When I saw my Grandmother the lead up was more scarey. Then there were a few seconds of shock, then I felt a sense of real calm wash over me. She had been, it sounds so awful, but she had been in the hospital freezer so I don't know how it affected her. I could just about tell it was my grandmother but she was more like a Madame Tussauds waxwork. A shell. She wasn't there but I really felt her around me in the coming weeks.

Do you have someone who'll look after the kids so you don't have to? So you can spend proper time with your mum without having to worry about the kids?

Good luck in whatever you decide. I'm really really sorry for your sudden loss. I dread losing my mum but I know it will come.

All the best mumoverseas. x

I was with my dad when he died. I didnt feel the need to see him after. It wouldve been a big no no in our family anyway. Just not done.

I was with my DD when she died. They took her the same evening. I only went to see her once in the funeral place. She wasnt there. She still looked beautiful but she just wasnt there.

I am glad I went but I didnt need to be with her everyday like some of my friends did with their children.

If my DS really wanted to go to see his sister I wouldve considered it. I would have talked to him in depth first though. But I wouldnt suggest TBH. I am very open with my children but I think you have to think very carefully about the individual child and circumstances.

I think it was enough that her brothers took part in her funeral and different rituals, traditions that we have developed since her death.

spidermama- so sorry for your loss. I took dd who was then aged 4 to see her dear grandad. It was a brief moment for her to say goodbye, to see that grandad's body didn't work any more and that he wouldn't be coming back. We talked about where his soul might be. He looked fine, quite peaceful in fact. I think it helped her grieve and understand what death means.
I would perhaps see if there is a way of making it as easy as possible for the boys to see her and to give them the chance to give her some comforters, expressions of loss- cards etc I think it might help them later on to know that they did what they could.

Mumoverseas- so sorry for you- I hope you find a way through it.

Oh I'm so sorry Spidermama

I saw my mother (grandma) in the Chapel of Rest last year. It was the worst thing I could have done.

She just didn't look like my beautiful smiling Mother. It sends shivers down my spine just thinking about her lying there, and I have to think extra hard to remember her fantastic smile. It's a vision that I could really do without

i saw my dad 10 minutes after death. it wasnt him. it was just a body in the icu with tubes coming out of it. it wasnt my dad at all.

i cannot get the image out of my head 7 months down the line. i wish i could and i am 31 years old.

i don't think it does anyone any good to see a dead body unless they really really want to, and know that what they see may not be what they expect.

DS1 (aged 5 at the time) saw DH inadvertently after he died. DH died at home and DS1 was with me when I found him. When DS1 (then aged 4) woke up, I told him Daddy had died and he asked if he could see. I let both boys go into the bedroom for a few moments. DH was just lying on the bed as if asleep except his eyes were open. He didn't look unnatural or scary and I thought it would do the boys less harm to see the reality than to imagine horrors (our Macmillan nurse had said the same thing). Neither of them has ever spoken of it but they certainly did not seem upset or harmed by seeing DH.

However, I did not let them see him later when he was in his coffin. I saw him then and he did not look like DH. Remembering that image upsets me and I did not want them to remember their Daddy like that.

It's a difficult decision and a lot depends on the personality of the child. Some may take it in their stride, others may find it unbearably upsetting. Tough call.

Chegirl you've had a very hard time. I'm so sorry.

Wilkos sorry you can't get this out of your mind. Maybe you could get help with this (hypnotism for example??) because you were obviously disturbed by seeing him.

Gosh it's so hard isn't it? There are as many view points as there are individuals.

There's a lot of pain on this thread. So many people who have been through so much.

Spidermama that last line of your post is so true.

So many people have suffered far more than I can imagine. I am tears reading your stories and admiring you all for your wise advice.

I understand the wanting to say goodbye part... However, I would say IMO it woul dnot be a good idea for them to see her. I have seen 2 dead people, my grandma when I was 19 and my dh's granny when I was 25.

I feel it's better to remember people how they were when they were alive. I don't feel I gained anything from seeing either people looking like that and to some extent the images haunted me for a short while.

I think there may be better ways to say goodbye. Maybe some kind of ritual involving pictures or something like that?

I think the main thing for children who have lost a loved one is honesty - you dont have to go into massive detail just dont fib to them - they know right away.

My DS1 (then aged 10) saw his brother DS3 knocked down and killed by a lorry. When we got to the hospital I encouraged my DS to come in and see his brother. I didnt want his last memory of his brother lying under the lorry. He came into the room at the hospital and the relief on his face was incredible. DS3 just looked asleep. I dont know if it was the right thing to do but its just how it happened.

My deepest sympathy to the family - yet another family walking the 'crappy' path of bereavement.

OJ you will be in my thoughts tomorrow xxxx

So sorry about your friend Spidermama, also everyone who has lost someone. I echo others when they say it depends on the child/personality although my gut feeling would be no. I was with my Mum when she died/just after and I really wish I hadn't been, selfish as it is. I feel sick and shaky whenever I think about it even now 2 years after, and I think it has actually hindered my grief and coming to terms with it all, because I can't get past that traumatic experience to remember the good times etc. Obviously different viewing in the chapel of rest though.

I think the main point is there has to be a reason. It shouldnt be only because of tradition, culture, expectations IYSWIM. These things are important but not the most important.

Because we are talking about children who dont generally have much say in what happens to them.

Why do we want our child to see their parent/sibling/grandparent? Sometimes as in Shabs case it was (i think Shabs) to try and take away some of the absolute horror of DS's passing. To give DS a different memory of his wonderful brother.

Like Mummydoit who did a wonderful, brave thing for her children. At such a hard, hard time.

In our case, I do not think it would have served any purpose for DSs to see DD. My eldest boy was at my mum's. He had asked if he could go and stay. DD died at home. He didnt want to be there when she went. I respected his wishes.

DS2 was in bed. He was very little (3). He was already upset that his sister wouldnt talk to him and give him chocolate anymore. He would not have understood why she was so still and cold.

It is so personal. So difficult.

Sorry blackletterday. Don't think of yourself as selfish for having those thoughts. You're the one who has to live with it after all.

Shabster I can only imagine what you and your DS have been through. I can totally understand your Dss relief after witnessing such a terrible, violent thing to then see a more peaceful aftermath.

Chegirl you got it 100 per cent right. I still struggle to watch tv programmes like Casualty because the reality is so much worse. DS3 - Matt - looked just like he was asleep - he was still dirty faced (it was a warm day and he had been playing out) DS1 had already lost his twin brother at 7 months old and I was just trying to make it 'better' - as if I could make it better.

I dont envy anyone in this awful predicament - Im not sure what I would do.

(((Shabs)))

good morning ladies,
I'm so very grateful for the comments some of you have made and think I'll just have to wait until I get to the FD's with mum's clothes and see how I feel. Am going to take pictures of the children and if I can find her rosary, will put that in with her. Still undecided about her wedding ring, gut instinct is to leave it on her as it was so important to her but my SIL said maybe I should keep it.

I can't imagine the pain some of you have suffered, in particular Shabster and chegirl. I have been so distraught the last week or so as the loss of my lovely mum but you have made me realise that she had a lovely long life (she was 84) and had many happy memories. I can't even comprehend the loss of a child and my heart goes out to you that have suffered that.
My mother and father lost their first son aged 3 years following a long illness and I am trying to take comfort in the fact that they are now all together again.
God bless you all that have suffered such a terrible loss x

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are all together again. Im not particularly religious but I just know that we meet again. xxxxx

I feel that very deeply too shabs. We all return to the source. x

Hello,

My grandad died in March after cancer & chemo.

My mum asked if I wanted to see him in the chapel of rest, I was very nervous.

He died on the Thursday and we couldn't go until Monday,

I was, in all honesty, shitting it.

But he looked OK, he didn't look 'normal' and he was so so cold, but I talked to him and visited him 3 more times, up until the THursday actually, where he has been gone a week ( he wasn't burried until the following tuesday!) I had the option to visit him the monday before but I felt I couldn';t as on the thursday there were things that were becoming 'noticable' Ill just say.

Im glad I went and that Image of him is by no means the 'only one i remember of him' but I do ofeten see him like that, flashes in my mind at night, and I will admit it scares me sometimes

But thats my nature, not because he looked scary iykwim.

Anyway what Im trying to say is, Im glad I went. but Im 24, and even though Im glad it still affected me, and does affect me sometimes, so Im not sure If I would be happy with a child going.

Im sorry to hear you are going through this x

This song describes it perfectly

that is lovely Shabster, thank you for sharing that

let the children remember their mum as she was. They don't need the brutal truth of seeing her body. They will have enough to deal with in life without that memory.

If she had been very ill I'd say let them see her at peace but no if she was healthy and well let them have their memories.

when my grandson died,we visited straight away at hospital, he looked lovely ,just asleep,once he moved to another hospital for post mortem,we had to wait over two weeks later for him to come back,when he did he looked not like ,even now two years later i still cant get image out of my head.
on the other hand my granddaughters went to bed ,awoke and their brother was gone,they never saw him again,they now hes in his garden ,so i dont know did we do the right thing not letting them see their brother.