Warning -- Gloomy. Have you ever seen someone after they've died? Should children see?

[Spidermama]

As I mention in another thread, my friend died suddenly in the night, leaving three young boys.

Her DH now has to decide whether to let the boys see their mum. He's undecided. Says she looks awful.

For my part I' very glad I saw my grandmother. It really helped with accepting her passing.

I'd be really glad to know how others feel and particularly if they have experience of children seeing their loved ones dead.

Spider - I've been thinking about this since last posting. Has he asked the kids, at least the older ones, what they want to do? At 7 & 9, with some explaination before hand that she may look "odd" (prob. worth an adult checking first what she actually looks like) they might actually want to make up their own minds on it??? Not sure if he'd want to give the 4 yo that choice - guess he knows his kids best.
My brother, 8, saw our Dad with loads of people present, Mum, me/my DH, older bro/DW, Aunt/Uncle, Godparents.... and I remember the extended family taking care of him, picking him up and reassuring him etc as Mum was struggling a bit.

My children chose to see their father after he died, my husband died very suddenly away from home and it was almost 2 weeks before they could see him. I think my youngest then aged 11 and my eldest 17 gained from it, my daughter 15 has never been able to speak about it and only went in for a few seconds, and immediately turned her back and wanted to go out again. I think even she benefited in a way, because I don't think any of us could accept what had happened due to the sudden nature of DH's death. He was not ill and literally walked out one morning and didn't come home. I felt in a way it was essential for the children to see him, but didn't say that and left it to them to decide. My doubt in your friend's case would be the condition of the body, if her DH says she looks "awful" then I would hesitate to let the DC's see that, I viewed first to be sure that the children could cope with what they would see. Before DH's body came back the undertaker assured me that if they didn't think it would be suitable for my DC's then they would advise me honestly, could your friend's husband seek their advice? Obviously I was in the room the whole time, and someone will need to be prepared to stay with them if they do decide to view. Hope this is helpful.

It depends what he means by awful. My grandmother who I saw dead three days after her death, just looked dead. She looked like my grandmother, and yet not.

If the dad has properly explained to the children about death, and he thinks it's appropriate to let them see her, ie that they truly understand that she is dead, and what death is and means, then it may help with their grieving process in the long term. Has your friend's H taken advice from a bereavement councillor (preferably one specialising in children) on this one? They may have some extremely good advice.

Very sorry about your friend.

Hi Evenstar. I'm sure I remember you going through this and wondering whether or not to let your children see him. I'm glad you feel you made the right call.

Thanks for your guidance here. I hope you and yours are well though I know it's still pretty early days for you.

Duchesse thanks. Good idea about a grieving counsellor. Toffee left a good link with Winston's Wish's advice on the subject.

How awful spidermama, I am so sorry

Wrt yr question, my reaction at first is "no" but your point about seeing yr grandmother (and what some others say) is interesting. I think 9, 7 and 4 is young (oh so young for their mummy to be gone)

I never saw my father after he died (I was 24) and didn't want to.

girlandboy's post is very moving. I wonder if seeing someone dead is like seeing them very ill - that is then all you can think about. Whereas if they are well and die suddenly, your last sight of them is as a happy well person?
(My father was ill for 18 mo and not good at all in the end - which is still one of my abiding memories of him )

Sorry I am crying writing this post. So sad for all the people posting who lost close ones so young.

My dh's mother died when we were about twenty. She actually died at home (I tried to resusitate her totally unsucessfully) but was brought back and put on a life support machine for a few days before she died again (she had lost all brain function when she originally died). dh I think regrets not being there when she went, but we saw her immediatly afterwards, and she was very definitly dead. One of his sisters saw her at the funeral directors and said it gave her nightmares for months.

My neice died fairly recently and had an open casket which everyone could view if they wanted. I did not let my children see her as I felt it wasn't appropriate (and I would have had to go with them, and in no way wanted to). One thing they did for her funeral which was lovely is use rose petals instead of earth for the scattering (it was an incredibly sad but excellent funeral).

I suspect it is quite a personal thing, and may be difficult to predict. A bereavement specialist is an excellent idea.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend spider . I think it is such a personal thing wether to go and see someone after they have died and I can understand how hard it must be for their dad to even think about it . I think I would just wait and see if they asked to see her rather than offer it as you are then giving that huge decision over to them which will be a tough one .

For me , I would want to go and see her . When my son died I spent a lot of time with him in the days after he died and it really helped me . Especially on the day of the funeral , I found the whole cremation thing a lot easier after seeing him over those days as I knew he had gone and it was definetly just his shell left .

No decision needs to made straight away , and I am sure speaking to Winstons wish or similar will have some great advice for him .

I did, as an adult, see my mother after her death, and I found it an unhelpful thing. Not cathartic, just ... horrible.

My heart says that it wouldn't be the right thing for these poor children. But perhaps that is wrong: they lost their mummy so suddenly that they might need that experience to help them absorb what has happened. But if she looks awful .. I still think that it might be too much for them.

If it were me, I would only do it if they were plainly asking to see her. (and with the younger ones perhaps not even then.) And I would rely on the funeral to supply the experiences that might be hoped for from the viewing of the body -- the beginnnings of acceptance of what has happened, and the opportunity to say some kind of goodbye.

I'm so sorry about this awful death.

oh travellingwilbury, I've just read about your son. I'm so so sorry, and I'm glad that you had some comfort from spending time with him after he had died.

Thank you Dearthworm .

how old are they spidermama?

when I was 8 my beloved Grandma died. I desperately wanted to see her in the chapel of rest but my mum wouldn't let me.
I still hate that I didn't get to see her. partly because I thought I would forget what she looked like if I didn't see her one last time.

obviously, i have no idea how it would have affected me if I had seen her.
but i think if the children have expressed a desire to see their mum then that should be taken into account.

My kids didn't see my wife, only my eldest (then 11) visited the funeral home (she was was the only one that wanted to) and that was with the casket closed.

They had been with her right up until she died so they had said goodbye. Also my wife did not look good and that is not what I wanted there last memory of her to be.

BUT

this is a real "it depends" situation that is just about impossible to offer adivce on, only the dad will know his kids well enough to be able to call this one.

My Dad died last July, after a very long illness. I would not have dreamt of taking my the 7 yo DD, but she asked to see him when she knew I was going. We talked at great length about it, how it might not look like him (although my Mum had already been and said he looked peaceful), how it might be better to remember him how he was and think of all the lovely memories, but she was insistent.
I phoned the funeral home first and explained to the and they were lovely, so she came with me but put no pressure on her to go into the room.
She did come in, and it was a lovely experience. She spoke to him, and kissed him, then joked how funny it would be if he suddenly sat bolt upright shouting 'BOO'
But I would say my DD is very in touch with her emotions and mature for her age. She never had any bad times because of it and still talks about him looking peaceful

I really think it depends on the individual.
I saw my grandfather when he was laid out before his cremation, I was 7, it wasn't horrible for me. He had died of cancer, but didn't look ill, just sleeping peacefully.
I'm glad I saw him one last time- he was very very special to me.
I am quite different to many people in philosophy and outlook though, so I think some people would be upset.
I would suggest he lets the older 2 choose... I think the 4 yo will not be able to grasp the situation properly, and I cannot imagine how confused he is atm.

I am very sorry for the loss of your good friend, and my thoughts are with you, and of course with her family.

My sister died when I was 5 years old, and my parents talked to me about going to see her. They weren't sure it was the right thing, but I insisted I wanted to go. We went along, and she looked very beautiful and we placed a couple of her special toys in the coffin with her. I'm sitting here crying now (it all happened over 30 years ago), but I do not regret going at all. I cannot bear the thought of not having that chance to say goodbye, my sister was ill at home and I kissed her goodnight and by the time I woke up she had been taken to hospital and had died, it felt as though she had vanished. Saying goodbye and realising that she was not anywhere scary or frightening really helped me. It's a terrible decision and each child is different, depending on their age and personality.

my mother died at home after an illness we all knew she would die, I was just turned 15, my sisters 13&10 we all saw the body at home at chapel at rest and funeral the following day, my youngest sister went to the start of the mass but asked to leave after saying goodbye to mum before the casket was closed.

it was hard for all but don't think any of us regretted it, but then again this sort of thing is very much part of the culture I grew up in

very sorry for your loss
and bless those children

btw, IMO I sometimes think that children's imaginations are underestimated. By trying protect children, it can be very easy to leave them thinking things that are far worse than the truth esp. if they fill in the blanks in what they are being told using images from stories, films and (nowadays) video games. Children also wanted to protect the adults around them by not mentioning their worries and feelings, adults in turn try not to upset the children and in the end noone is getting the support they need. So so hard

A girl in my class died when I was about 14 and we all went to see her in the funeral home. I really regretted it, because she didn't look great and I couldn't get that image out of my head. I couldn't sleep alone for ages to the extent that I had to sleep in the same room as my brother. At around the same age I saw an elderly relative and that didn't bother me too much, possibly because he was very old and it wasn't so unexpected that someone that age would die. Those boys seem very young so see their mum dead, especially if she looks awful. It might be ok if she looked asleep or at peace, but otherwise I'm not sure that it would be a good idea.

This is really sad Spider, I'm sorry. Has your friend's husband asked the children if they want to see her? In what way does she look 'awful'? Awful because dead, or something worse visually because of the nature of her death?

I arrived an hour after my brother had died and we all sat with the body all afternoon. I don't regret it for a second - it felt completely natural to be with him - but it's hard for me to get the image of him dead out of my head, especially as he looked exactly as I'd left him the night before. Often that's the picture that comes into my head and overwhelms me, rather than the alive him.

It's a very personal decision obviously, but I'd say ask the kids and get their opinions. Then at least they can't blame their dad for not allowing them to see her.

I would let them go if they want to.

Miranda - your experience with your school friend sounds really odd - turning a family bereavment into some sort of class visit ? No wonder you had difficulties coming to terms with the experience.

and forgot t add this from Winston's wish

I saw my dad in the chapel of rest after he died (I was 18). It was odd - it seemed like nothing to do with him - it didn't look like him - the fundamental himness wasn't there. It didn't upset me at all - but all seemed totally irrelevant.

I was puzzled by others coming out and crying and saying he looked just like he was asleep.

I guess I am saying different people see different things. So the kids may see something he doesn't - but as to whether it will help them or not - no idea.

spidermama, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your friend, but I am glad you started this thread as I'm struggling to make the same decision.
My lovely mother died 2 weeks ago. I'm living abroad at the moment and hadn't seen her since Christmas when I was back in the UK and she stayed with me which was lovely. I was due to go home in two days anyway so she could meet her new grandson who was born in February but sadly she didn't make it. It was sudden, and she died at home.
I'm flying back to the UK tomorrow night to finalise the funeral arrangements but was asked last week if I wanted to see her. My first instinct was no, of course not, I want to remember her as she was when I last saw her.
However, the last few days I've been thinking about this a lot and think I might NEED to see her if that makes sense. I saw my dad the day before he died in hospital 4 years ago and after he died I went back and spent some time with him but it was only a few hours after he died. By the time I get back and drive down to where mum is, it will be nearly 3 weeks since she passed. Having thought of nothing else all weekend, I finally phoned the funeral directors first thing this morning said I was having second thoughts and thought I might like to see her after all but was worried about how she would look. The lady I spoke to was lovely and said she'd make enquiries and let me know. Spoke to her again about an hour ago and she said mum looks fine and it won't be a problem. I'd 99% convinced myself I was going to go just before I found your thread. No doubt I will change my mind 100 times between now and Friday when I will be driving down to the funeral directors but my current view is that I need to do it. I doubt I'll take my children, the youngest are 2.7 and 4 months but maybe them just being in the same building will be nice for mum.
So sorry for the hijac spider and I hope your poor friend's DH makes the best decision for him and his children.

So sorry to hear about your friend spidermama.

I think as others have said it very much depends on the child but I think, from my experience I wouldn't want my child to do it.

I saw my db after he died last year, having been told he looked 'good'. Well he didn't to me and I found it very distressing and I have found it hasn't really helped me to accept that he is gone.