How to help the surviving parent?

[DrNortherner]

My beloved Dad died 3 weeks ago. I live 90 miles away from my mum, and am an only child.

The grief of losing my dad is horrific, yet the worry and sense of responsibility I feel for my Mum is nearly as bad.

I stayed with her the week after it happenned, then she came to our house, but of course we have jobs, school run, dog to walk etc etc and my mum was keen to get home and back into her routine. Now she is there she is so lonely despite lots of visits from her sisters, friends and neighbours. Every time I call her she breaks her heart and my heart aches for her.

I should be there with her.

Don't expect anyone to have the answer, I know it's all part of the grieving process but it is just so f**king hard.

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss

My father died over 8 years ago and it is hard. We lived at the other end of the country to my mum and only saw her in weeks rather than on the odd pop in, which made things much worse.

You need to remember that this is your mum and you shouldnt be responsioble for her or her happiness. You can not make your family her life, as that would be unfair to both her and you.

It is early days yet and things need time to settle.

My mum is still lonley, but she has developed a routine that works for her. Your mum may have to change her current routine to one that fits her new status better.

We moved back to the area a couple of years ago after DS2 was born, so we do see a lot of her, but she has some very close friends who are there for her too.

I wont pretend that it is easy, but it does get better and you are your mums daughter, not her mum, so just be there for her when she needs you and dont forget to grieve too.

DrNortherner am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and I understand fully what you're going through.

I lost my mum last summer and was of very little use to my dad as I went on to have DD3 two days after her funeral. We spoke a lot on the phone but as it was a section and DD1 was starting school I couldn't be with him as much as I would have liked - he lives 98miles away. In Nov he went in to hosp for a hip replacement so I went through and stayed then but it took a LOT of juggling and help with the childcare as DH works shifts.

He has since recovered and is now enjoying his golf again but it has been a hard slog and I feel I have let him down but not being there as much as I would have liked. We still talk on the phone, although not every day, and I try to go through when I can - I think the trick is to really listen when they phone (regardless if its nothing but them moaning about the state of next door's lawn) and text/email for no good reason other than you're thinking of them.

She will feel a bit lost for the first wee while and that is completely understandable and while you can be there for her as much as possible you cannot replace the companionship your Dad provided. just be there when she needs you, remember the occassions like first birthday/anniversary etc and let her find her way, she may just surprise you

Thanks for your kind messages, they help alot. I am speaking to my Mum twice a day, sometimes more if she is having a particularly bad day. Today seems to be a good day, she is OK, and going into town to meet her sister for lunch.

It is just so hard, losing my Dad has just had the most devastaing impact on both our lives, and the one thing that can make it better (dad coming back) will never happen

I found having DD3 a huge help as I had no choice but to get on with it, I sometimes forget that he still lives in the same house and is reminded of her all the time where as she was never really at my house due to her illness so I don't expect to see her iyswim?

could you make sure you always have something planned to look forward too e.g a visit to seom nearby gardens/event/lunch somewhere/shopping trip/ mother-daughter spa day or something? that way she's always got some thing to look forward to

I lost my Dad and then my husband nine months later so I can speak from both yours and your mum's point of view. It sounds to me like you're doing all you can. Keep ringing your Mum. Don't expect her to take the initiative. So many people say to me, 'If you ever need to talk, just give me a call' but, when you're lonely and grieving, it's hard to pick up the phone. When people say 'how are you?' you feel obliged to put on a brave face and say you're doing fine.

Talk about your Dad to her. As time goes on, people stop mentioning the person who has died and it can be hard for the bereaved person to bring them up in conversation. Give her the opportunity to talk if she wants to.

Be aware that the grieving process is a long one, both for her and for you. In my experience, the sense of loss and the loneliness actually get worse with time, not better. You adapt, you get on with life and people expect you to be 'getting over it' but you may well feel worse after six months than you did after six days. I cry for DH far more now than I did in the first few weeks.

Distance does make it hard (my mum is 250 miles away from me) but there is always the phone. If you can, try to be with her for some of the important milestones, those 'firsts' that have to be got through. First birthday (both your Mum's and your Dad's), first Christmas, first Wedding Anniversary, anniversary of his death. All of those are hard to get through. Maybe your mum could come and stay with you for some of them?

You sound like a lovely, caring daughter and I'm sure your support will help your Mum through this. However, don't forget that you are grieving too. There seems to be a perceived 'pecking order' to grieving and the 'chief mourner', if you like, frequently gets most of the attention. I lost count of the number of times people asked me how Mum was doing after Dad died yet never asked me how I was doing. Even people who didn't know my Mum. Allow yourself time to grieve for your Dad and don't feel you have to be strong for your mum all the time.

I wish I could say more to help you but grief is not something anyone can make better. Your mum has to find her own way to cope. It sounds harsh but you can't protect her from her grief, she has to learn to live with it. All you can do is support her and it sounds to me like you're doing a good job of that.

MummyDoIt

mummydoit I am so so sorry for your losses. How awful for you. How are you coping now?

This thread has made me realise I can not 'fix' my Mum. She has to come to terms with this in her own way I know that now.

Seeing someone you love hurting is just awful though isn't it?

I think its the utter realisation that their status as the parent who protects you from everything is utterly gone and you are hopeless to protect them in the way they would have done you. In my case it certainly raised the question of my Dad's mortality as seeing him in hosp having his op, which co-incided with mum's birthday, he was just so old and frail and I couldn't do anything to fill the gap left by the absence of my mother

he kept introducing me as his wife, we shared the same first name, even though I was sitting there with a 4month old baby and it broke my heart hearing him correct himself and becoming embarassed

you mum will come to terms with it and it sounds as if you have a lovely close family and a good relationship too, take heart from the fact your dad would be proud of how much you're wanting to help

I'm so very sorry for everyone's losses.

I came onto this topic as I am facing the first anniversary of my grand-father's death this week.

We're a close family & seeing my Nana has been almost the hardest part of the whole year. Her & my grand-dad came as a double act, & seeing one without the other is just isn't right.

She's been incredible. I think the only advice I have to carry on talking about the loved one you have lost. There are many times when my Nana, mum, sister & I will drink coffee, eat cake, & laugh ourselves silly over some of the things my grand-father did & said. Thankfully, there are plenty of episodes to choose from.

My Nana has good days & bad. So does my mum. Despite me being 36 they still try to shield me from the worst of it. I think the support just filters down - mum supports Nana, sister & support mum, sister & I support each other. Its hard, but looking at some of the other titles in this topic I now know I'm one of the lucky ones. I had a wonderful grand-dad who had a long, happy & relatively healthy life. Hold on & cherish the happy memories.

Sorry to have hijacked a bit. My thoughts are with everyone dealing with the loss of a loved one, x