It's MIL's birthday next week

[LilRedWG]

I feel really odd. I love my MIL and she and FIL have been great support since I lost Mum and Dad, but I just don't want to go over to their house that day and join in a family celebration.

SIL asked if we were going over and I was honest with her and said that I feel a bit weird about anything to do with Mums in general since I lost mine and I think I've upset her. DH said that it's understandable but I don't want to upset the inlaws by not going, likewise I don't want to go and ruin it by being a misery.

Does that mean I am horrible and bitter and twisted?

Off to bed now. TIA.

Hello

I lost my mum 3 weeks ago today and am 24 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I've had to quietly remove myself from situations at work where people are talking about what they did on Mother's Day, or when prospective grandmothers are discussing the excitement at coming along to their daughter's scans etc, which my mum very much wanted to do. They are lovely people who have been very supportive and of course I want them to enjoy this time for themselves -I just don't want to ruin the conversation by dissolving into tears because at this early stage I don't always have control of my feelings when they come.

So of course I don't think you are at all horrible or bitter or twisted, just trying to get by the best you can as I am - and you having lost your dad so recently must make it harder still of course.

Wish you all the best, it sounds like your inlaws would understand whatever you decide.

Ohfuschia, I am so sorry that you have lost your Mum at this time. It is terrible at any time, but my heart really goes out for you especially.

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to me.

Thank you too LilRedWG

I completely understand how you feel and think you should do what is right for you. SIL can't possibly understand what you are going through, she still has both her parents.

Why don't you talk to your MIL and tell her that you feel a bit awkward, don't want to spoil her special day by potentially crying and suggest you all go over the day before or after or the weekend after and have a separate "do" with them.

Great that you get on with your in laws BTW.

Thanks.

I'm taking DD over to SIL's tomorrow afternoon and leaving her there. DH will join them after work and they will all celebrate MIL's birthday. I plan on dropping in to MIL's on my way home to say happy birthday quietly and explain that I just can't face being there for the singing of Happy Birthday and cake etc.

I've spoken to SIL today and said that I hope no-one feels that I'm being rude but that I just can't cope. She said that she is more concerned that I will isolate myself from all family stuff and that they are all there for me.

That sounds like brilliant idea. Well done !
Hope you cope ok - good luck.

Thinking about you too ohfuschia - hope you are ok.

Called MIL to wish her happy birthday this morning and said that I hoped she understood me being an anti-social git. She was lovely about it and totally understood.

I'm going to put DD in a party dress MIL bought her for Christmas and make sure she looks pretty.

These are really early days for you...grief is intensly private and you just want to lick your wounds etc. I had a dilemma at Christmas (lost my mum in oct) when I was invited to lots of parties...but I just said that it was nothing personal but this year I was just stepping back. The idea of "celebrating" christmas made me want to vomit. You are still so raw. I am spending Easter with my siblings and we have decided that for this first year on any occasion we will be with each other as we are without our fantastic MUM..(we lost our dad when we litte)

Thank you Mulranno. I'm sorry that you too have lost your Mum and it's a lovely idea to spend special times together.

Today is a month since my Mum's funeral and I'm trying not to dwell on that, but it's hard. I'm just so confused by my feelings - I don't understand them.

How are you today LilRedWG?

I was reading through this thread. Your original question has been answered although I would also like to say that I understand.

My mum died 6 months ago yesterday. It is her birthday today. We have also just found out in the last couple of days that Dad has terminal cancer (they were divorced). I am currently staying with my PILs in Spain and I'm finding it pretty difficult being here. Especially seeing my SIL prepare for her wedding with her mum. They're like two schoolgirls together having a whale of a time.

I did also want to say, in response to your last post that when mum died, I just didn't know how I was supposed to grieve or what to feel. I wanted to read a book about it or something, just to see how other people had felt. So I do understand something of what you are feeling.

Wishing you all the best.

LaTrucha. Thank you for taking the time to post, I will raise a glass to both our Mums this evening.

I'm sorry about your Dad too. I hope that there is some way that you can get home to spend some time with him (I'm presuming he's in England).

Take good care of yourself. x

LaTruncha...you are about the same place as me...it will be 6 months tomorrow for us. I found Gloria Hunnifords book "Always with you" really brilliant...I bought it for all my sisters. I wanted to understand what would happen with grief - and it has really helped.
LilredWG....it is very early days for you and you have had a double blow. I would say expect really very little of yourself in the first year..there are lots of hurdles...birthdays -- theirs, yours your childrens, mothersday/fathersday...the last time you did x together...it is a painful time...Also you will move out of being in a total blur 24/7...to just ticking along and having overwhelming moments....dont think that all is fine now and pick up too much again...grief is exhausting. I have found a connection with distant friends or neighbours who have been thru this.. they understand and have been more supportive than my best friends...but my best friends have not been here and before I had I now realise I had no idea.

Hello again - glad you got through MIL's birthday, like Mulranno said, I had no idea of the impact of this kind of bereavement, it was something I feared for years but it's not been how I expected at all. Thought I would be wailing like a banshee but it's this deep deep sadness, not every minute of the day but it keeps coming in waves. I read somewhere that in the early part of grief you can find yourself splitting people in two camps - those who've been through it and those who haven't - exactly as Mulranno said I have found more of a connection with acquaintances who've been through it than friends who haven't. I am lucky to have an amazing OH but sadly for him he understands so well because he has lost both his parents like you. Sorry don't mean to hijack your thread I know I should start one of my own but I just don't even know where to start. Have been thinking of you though.
(appreciate your thoughts also Marmitebabe)

I'm reading Virginia Ironside's book, "You'll Get Over It" and finding it very helpful, with lots of anecdotal bits highlighting how normal EVERY feeling is totally normal and there is no set pattern.

ohfuschia - you are not hijacking at all. Keep typing away.

Mulranno - I'll be thinking of you today.

Once again, thank you all for your continued support. It really helps to be understood.

I told my sister this morning that I had stayed at home for MIL's birthday and she said that she knows it is hard but I need to make myself do things for "other people's sakes" and that "it's not fair on other people" for me to isolate myself at special times. Made me feel a bit sad and guilty but I've decided that if MIL understood then it's fine and that we need to deal with it in our own way.

I've spent far too much of my life worrying what people think (particularly my parents and siblings) - I need to think of me now. I know that sounds selfish but for DH and DD's sake I need to get through this.

You are totally right there, Lilredwg.