Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

What on earth do you say or give to someone who's just lost a baby at 36 weeks?

16 replies

Picante · 01/04/2009 14:11

Please any advice would be most welcome. A friend of mine lost her baby this morning. She was a member of a postnatal group that have been meeting together for the past three years.

We've all either had second babies or are currently pregnant and are at a complete loss as to what to say or do.

She'll be in hospital for a couple of days at least as she had to have a C-section.

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Nabster · 01/04/2009 14:13

Oh no.

Not flowers.

A card, definitely.

Is she going to have photos taken of the baby? If so, a lovely frame.

Poor, poor love.

Habbibu · 01/04/2009 14:15

A card, and then patience, and all the time in the world - either to listen, or to let her hole up and shut away from the world.

You can also look at SANDS for advice; she may find it a useful resource in the time to come.

georgiemum · 01/04/2009 14:17

Don't ignore her! Most people go very very quiet as they don't know what to say.

Tell her that you don't know what to say.
That you will be there for here whenever she wants to talk, cry or just sit with someone.
You will pop over with dinner if she can't face cooking.
She can ask you for any help and you will do it if you can.
Tell her that you will pop over for a cuppa (to see that she is OK and not sitting there alone)
Speak to her other half too. He will be desolate but his main priority will be the mother. Tell him that he can speak to you too.

That's about it. Please bear in mind that there will be idiots who will say 'it's gods will', 'you can have another', 'it wasn't ment to be'...

Habbibu · 01/04/2009 14:20

I think that's lovely advice, gm, but can I just say that I hated the idea of anyone coming round at all for ages after we lost dd1, so Op maybe just put gm's suggestions v. tentatively and see how your friend reacts. i didn't answer the phone or the door, mind...

georgiemum · 01/04/2009 14:24

But at lest you knew that someone out there was thinking about you. Sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how awful that must be. DHs grandparents lost their first child (almost 70 years ago) and they still talk sadly about it.

Habbibu · 01/04/2009 14:28

Oh, absolutely, the cards were great, and my reaction was not like everyone's - I was furious beyond all my imagination - at the world, at everything and everyone, except poor DH and our hospital.

later I loved that my sister used dd1's name straight away, and that people talk about her still, 3 1/2 years later - she's not forgotten. these things are really really important.

mrsgboring · 01/04/2009 14:30

One thing that really helped us was some friends inviting us for dinner, and making it clear an activity was planned so we wouldn't have to do any talking - we played a board game.

I appreciated cards and flowers, though if you send flowers, get something ready arranged in a basket, not requiring vases etc.

It was very important to me that people would come and look at DD's pictures, to acknowledge that she had existed.

Make sure you use the baby's name when talking about him/her.

Also, if you're in any way involved in getting information out to the rest of your post natal group / wider circle, then (obv. with the parents' permission) try to include all relevant information. I found that those who just knew I'd lost the baby didn't know what to say when they saw me. Those who knew I'd had a girl, her name, my gestation, no-one knew why it had happened, I'd had a natural birth etc. were much more able to cope with talking to me about my DD and about everything else, because they weren't hampered by too little info.

georgiemum · 01/04/2009 14:31

You see - some people wouldn't like the name to be used. I suppose the best approach is with caution.

I hate to ask... but will this baby be buried properly? I mean will there be a grave? Can they put up a plaque?

CMOTdibbler · 01/04/2009 14:32

SANDS have some good advice. And some lovely cards in their shop.

Remember to use the babies name, and put their birthday in your diary so that when it comes around you won't forget to send them a little card, or a text to say you remember that it is their babies anniversary and that you are thinking of them.

Original poster
Picante · 01/04/2009 14:34

Oh thanks all so much there are some wonderful words of wisdom there. I don't know what's going to happen - I assume there will be some kind of funeral but what that will entail I can't begin to imagine.

OP posts:
melissa75 · 01/04/2009 15:59

hiya, having lost two babies, one as a stillborn and one shortly post birth, I would just like to say that it is so important not to ignore or forget the person or couple. so many times, people are so involved for the first week or two and then they have the funeral and then noone calls or writes anymore, and you are left feeling like everyone has forgotten about your DC. Of course, you know your friend better than anyone here, and so I think it is important to take their lead. Tell them you do not know what to say, but would like to help. Make specific suggestions such as Can I bring you supper, can I help with arrangements etc... just saying is there anything i can do, is not specific enough, and many times the parents feel so overwhelmed that they do not know what someone can do, but would love it if someone was specific in their intent to help. I often felt that when ppl would say, is there anything I can do, they weere saying it just because they could not think of something else to say.
Your friend will recognise that it is not easy for others as they do not know what to do or say, but the biggest advice, is just be there for your friend, and do not forget post funeral/memorial or whatever the couple choose as their option of saying goodbye to their little one

Original poster
Picante · 01/04/2009 17:23

Thanks Melissa - I was thinking of organising some kind of food rota so at least they will have hot meals.

OP posts:
melissa75 · 01/04/2009 18:19

picante...what a great idea, and I am sure they will be very grateful for it, because food is definately a last minute thought when this happeneds.

mrsgboring · 01/04/2009 20:43

They may want babysitting for their older DC too. Though they may equally not want him/her out of their sight. Worth an offer though. And if it's turned down, offer again in a couple of weeks.

Rangirl · 04/04/2009 19:11

I lost my DS1 at 36 weeks.You have to follow the lead of the mum.I did like it if people said his name.I found comments like you can try again etc deeply hurtful.I liked plain cards with a short personal note better than pre printed sympathy cards.I got a lot of flowers eventually i went off them it made the house like a shrine.Even now I don't like too many flowers.Maybe a donation to SANDS Keep in touch but it is very early days.Don't take this the wrong way but if you have known her for 3 years through post natal thing she may well have close family and friends.i really only wanted to see my mum and sisters at first.The act that members of your circle are pregnant won't help.However my closest friend had her DD1 2 weeks after my loss,I thought i could never see her agian,now we are closer than ever.Don't pretend there was no baby even now i like people to speak of him .Take your lead from her, listen to your instics and you will find a way to help xxx

shabster · 04/04/2009 19:18

So very sorry for your friend and her family. Practical help is wonderful - ironing, cooking, babysitting etc etc. A shoulder to cry on and a listening ear is also fantastic.

Just wanted to link you to a very special thread. bereaved mums thread

To be honest it is a haven where nobody will judge. Its not always sad we have lots of laughs as well. It may be of some help. xx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page