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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Mum and Dad's ashes are being scattered on Thursday - what should I expect?

30 replies

LilRedWG · 23/03/2009 13:20

Mum and Dad's ashes are being scattered on Thursday at the cemetery. I have ummed and ahhed as to whether I want to go, and have decided that I am going.

I'm dreading it. DH will hopefully come with me. What should I expect? I'm really worried about it.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 23/03/2009 15:31

bumping for you lilRed - I haven't been to an ashes scattering, only an ashes interment (Mum) and there was a short blessing by the vicar that Dad asked to come along to say it, the box was placed in my grandparents grave (they had dug a hole at the headstone end under the plinth and lined it with petals) and then filled in. It was moving like the funeral itself was. I wouldn't have missed it.

I always think that however hard going to these things is, it isn't as hard as regretting NOT going would be. Just pray for a windless day (not trying to be funny, just practical). Hope it goes well.

Original poster

LilRedWG · 23/03/2009 18:42

Thanks Thumb. TBH I don't want to go but am going as I don't want to explain to people why I'm not there - I don't even know why I don't want to myself.

DH will be with me though, so that should help.

OP posts:

Hassled · 23/03/2009 18:45

For me with my father it did give me some tiny bit of closure. With us there were no formal words or anything - we hired a boat, and scattered them in the sea. You need to go, although it will be bloody hard.

Hassled · 23/03/2009 18:46

What I mean was while the funeral wasn't the "goodbye" I probably needed, the scattering of the ashes started the process. It did help.

TheProfiteroleThief · 23/03/2009 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LilRedWG · 23/03/2009 18:48

Thanks for sharing that Hassled. I think it just feels as though their funerals were the goodbyes and now we have to do it again. I just feel odd about it. Not sure why.

OP posts:

Original poster

LilRedWG · 23/03/2009 18:49

Sorry - x-posts TheProfiteroleThief. I'm sorry that you too lost your parents very close together. I think I will take some flowers, although I know my Mum didn't believe in visiting graves/leaving flowers etc., it'll make me feel a little better and my Dad particularly loved flowers.

OP posts:

2shoes · 23/03/2009 18:54

we scattered fil's ashes and it turned into a real family thing as for some reason it didn't go to plan and instead of just mil and her children, we all eneded up there. it was kind of bitter sweet, we laughed as he would have laughed at us.
I hope it goes well.

thumbwitch I know it isn't my thread, but thatnks for explaining about an interment as we are having dads on the 3rd and I wasn't sure how it worked.

Original poster

LilRedWG · 23/03/2009 19:16

2shoes - don't worry about it not being 'your' thread. It's a horrible, painful subject and if it means it saves you having to ask the question then join in.

I've been thinking of you. x

OP posts:

Original poster

LilRedWG · 24/03/2009 09:06

What shall I wear? Funeral attire or not?

OP posts:

TheProfiteroleThief · 24/03/2009 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LilRedWG · 24/03/2009 13:26

Not really any estate to speak of, but my sister is taking care of it. The rest of us have signed to say that's fine by us.

OP posts:

TheProfiteroleThief · 24/03/2009 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bentneckwine1 · 24/03/2009 14:22

We had my mum's ashes interred about eighteen months ago. I said a few simple words about how the funeral had been our opportunity to grieve and mourn...but that having the ashes interred was to provide us with somewhere to go and remember mum whenever we felt the need.

I then read a poem which I felt summed up the lighter mood of the occasion...about being joyful. (My gran was supposed to go to a christmas lunch that afternoon and had wanted to cancel when the interment was arranged...but the mood of the occasion and the words of the poem persuaded her that mum would have wanted her to go party!!)

There were only immediate family there and no children - although all the grandchildren had been at the funeral - as we felt that we didn't really want to have to explain the size of the box going into the ground. Also at the funeral I was quite focussed on the needs of my son and others...at the interment it was my time to reflect peacefully.

I think the fact that we had the ashes interred some months after the funeral meant that we had moved on from that grief-stricken state of shock where you move through the funeral without really taking it in. We also just had the undertaker and the groundsman who facilitated the actual interment and said a few words as the box was lowered into the ground.

I hope things go just as you wish for on Thursday...and wish you peace.

thumbwitch · 24/03/2009 14:36

lilRed - we compromised - not as sombre as fueral attire but not too everyday either. Although it isn't part of the funeral as such, it is still the final "laying to rest", as it were, so we felt it needed some sort of ceremonial "feel" to it.

Original poster

LilRedWG · 24/03/2009 15:08

Thanks all.

OP posts:

sayithowitis · 24/03/2009 17:07

I have been to two 'scatterings'. At one, the crematorium staff just said a few words and dumped the ashes from a container into the ground. Took about 2 minutes. The other one , the crematorium staff had dug a hole and lined it with rose petals. They then carried the container, gently, and placed it in the hole. They invited my mum, my sister and I to put some rose petals on top before someone else read a beautiful poem. As the poem was read, the crem. man covered the box with the earth so that we could place some flowers on top. It was beautifully done and was the moment when we really said our goodbye.

As for clothes, we just wore the sort of clothes my Dear step dad would have appreciated: smart but not formal, not black, with a bit of what he always called 'real colour'.

I hope that it goes well for you.

mshadowsnumber1fan · 24/03/2009 17:14

I was wondering what to wear.
I am taking ds and dd as dd will be off school and ds can get off college as he only has to go in for 15 mins that day.

mshadowsnumber1fan · 24/03/2009 17:14

(sorry I am 2shoes)

Original poster

LilRedWG · 25/03/2009 16:24

Am wearing a black skirt and red sweater. Wish me luck. DH is going with me. DD is going to MIL.

Thank you all.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 25/03/2009 22:25

Hope it goes ok tomorrow LilRed and the weather is appropriate for you. Think the outfit sounds fine - glad your DH is going to be with you.
Will be thinking of you
(hugs)

onlyjoking9329 · 26/03/2009 15:30

Thinking of you all today.

2shoes · 26/03/2009 15:44

sending you love

Original poster

LilRedWG · 26/03/2009 18:07

Thank you all so much, both for messages here and texts.

It went better than I thought. Don't get me wrong - it was hard and very sad, but my two brothers scattered Mum and Dad's ashes together under a lovely tree in the rose garden of the cemetery. Officially ashes are not meant to be scattered in the rose garden but the guy said that he would just put, "scattered with family member" in the log book rather than the location, bless him.

We didn't say any words or do any readings but it was nice and peaceful. The rain stopped and I think the sun came out and even the wind stopped blowing quite so hard for a while. My sisters and nieces took flowers and laid them on their ashes. I didn't take any today, but may take some up in future - not sure yet.

A few years ago Dad and I were at the garden centre and I saw a variety of rhododendron called Patty Bee which references my Mum's name and maiden name so Dad bought himself and me one. Clearing our garden last weekend (on Mothering Sunday) for DD's new play area we found the pot with the plant in under a mass of honeysuckle. It was hanging in there, so strong and perfect. DH has repotted it for me and I think that will mean more to me than any amount of cut flowers placed in a cemetery.

Again, thank you all for your support.

OP posts:

differentID · 26/03/2009 18:20

hi LilRed. Glad today went as well as could be expected. Still thinking of you lots.

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