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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Just had a horrible conversation with my mum.

15 replies

tots2ten · 15/03/2009 12:04

We are bringing my mum home from the hospital on Tuesday. Today she asked me why we wanted her home, i told her that she had asked me to take her home. Then she asked me if i am taking her home to die. I told her that there was no more that the doctors could do.

She has made me promise that should she want to go into a hospice or we feel we are not coping then she will go into a hospice. She also made me promise that my eldest dd will have her birthday (she was born on my mum's birthday)

I feel awful, i've not been able to stop crying since i got home.

OP posts:

insertwittynicknameHERE · 15/03/2009 12:15

Tommy · 15/03/2009 12:17

nothing I can say to make you feel better but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you all

alannabanana · 15/03/2009 12:19

thats really sad. i really feel for you. hard times are ahead for you im sure - just focus on spending as much time with your mum as poss, with children around too, and letting her know she is loved loads by you and them. the hospice thing is a bridge you will cross sometime in the future, possibly, but for now just get through the day, and think about how you can make the most of the time you have left with her.
xx

edam · 15/03/2009 12:29

I'm so sorry, tots. You sound like a lovely daughter who is doing everything you can to follow your Mum's wishes.

Original poster

tots2ten · 15/03/2009 12:29

thanks, so far most of the grandchildren have been to the hosputal to see her over the last week.

That's the next thing we need to do is tell them that grandma is coming home, and to make sure that the nurses being there is not scary.

I just wish that my dad was more supportive, he is using up all of his holidays next week and the week after, but is refusing to go on the sick, as there is no real need to be there when we have nurses coming in to help. not sure if he is in denial, but he has always been a selfish man.

OP posts:

edam · 15/03/2009 12:30

btw, I hear from friends who sadly have reason to know that hospices are fantastic places that offer wonderful support. If your mother does need that kind of care, don't be reluctant to ask for it.

Original poster

tots2ten · 15/03/2009 12:34

i promised her that should she want to go in, then i will arrange the transfer.

When we talked about her illness a few months ago, she told me she never wanted to go into a hospice as her dad died in one, and she hated the place. But now she is talking about going to make things easier for us.

OP posts:

Tommy · 15/03/2009 12:36

I'm sure the nurses won't be scary! They will be greta with the childrne I'm sure - they may even help explaining what's going on with their Grandma.

It sounds like your Dad is in a bit of denial - you'll just have to let him manage the way he can at the moment

edam · 15/03/2009 12:38

That's tricky, then, if you think she'd be doing it for you rather than because she actually wants to. Although even then, there's a point about respecting her views even if you disagree with her logic. Round in circles!

Is there any way you could both visit your local hospice to find out what it's like?

Original poster

tots2ten · 15/03/2009 12:42

I've been to the hospice its the same as when my grandpa is in there, although different coloured walls. It feels very cold in there, but with a warm atmostphere (if that makes sense?) I will respect her wishes, should she ask to go, i wont stop her.

OP posts:

Nabster · 15/03/2009 12:43

My Nana went into two hospices and died in one. The first one was awful the second one, lovely. You really have to check them out.

I am so sorry for what you are going thorough.

nickschick · 15/03/2009 12:56

Tots Ive been where you are ((hug)) we nursed my mil at home for almost 3 months.

The next few weeks will feel like a lifetime treasure them and see the happiness in the sadness- try and keep a diary of things that happen daft things normal things etc etc.

It is truly a rolercoaster of a journey and your life will be affected by this forever-hospices do 'day' trips there and your mum will have a change of scene and not be the ill one amongs healthy for some it is a very 'safe' environment for them to be and they can confront feelings very openly.

I dont want to sound trite or condescending but for some people they never get this chance to spend this 'last' time with their mum and this is your time to love your mum as she has loved you xxx

Its unfair and cruel mums should not die.

JackBauer · 15/03/2009 23:49

Tots, sorry you had to have this conversation, but I am glad that she sounds like she is understanding everything now and able to help with decisions IYSWIM.
Let me know if there is anythig I can do, can I tempt with some banana bread?

wrinklytum · 15/03/2009 23:59

I am so sorry about your Mum.

It is lovely,though that you have been able to have an open and honest conversation about where she wants to go to die.

Hospices are brilliant,they really are,and provide fantastic care for people in yuour mums situation.I have worked in one before goingback to NHS and would wish that everyone with a terminal illness would be given the expertise of hospice care.

Wishing you strength for the furure

And a big {{{hug]]] Wrinkly

dizzydixies · 17/03/2009 12:21

tots am so sorry about your mum but can I just say the same as everyone else. I lost mu mum in July and she spend her last few weeks in a hospice. The staff were fantastic - utterly unbelievable considering they do this day in day out - we couldn't have hoped for better

wishing you and your family all the strength and comfort in the world

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