Delayed grief and survival ...?

[pickledHAN]

i hope someone can say something to help. 2008 was a bit of a rubbish year family wise with 3 immediate family members dying. The first was my lovley granny, who was old and frail and not really my garnny for the last coupple of years of her life. (Also an uncle and great uncle who I wasnt as close to). at the time of my grannys death, I think I went onot auto pilot, helping my mum cope and not really grieving myself. at the beginning of the year my other 2 grandparents became ill an had to mve to nursing care, hospitals etc and will probaby not be around very long (am not too close to them really but feell that everyone is moving on!). As it cam eup to a year (in Feb) my grannys death hit me - in jan we moved house, a bit further away from my parents, and my grnnys death keeps washing over me, hitting me again and again - hurting more than it did.

Could I have started the grief proces a year on? What can I do to make it more bearable - dont think speaking to anyone would help as I cant even articulate how and what I feel to myself, but know I am being a pain as far as dh and the dc are concerned!

A book that helped me was Virginia Ironside's You'll Get Over It- The Rage of Bereavement. We have so little experience of death these days that we don't understand how to deal with it and we expect to "get over it" within a certain time, and are shocked when we don't.

The first anniversary is the hardest and what you describe seems a fairly normal reaction to the death of someone close. There isn't a shortcut. You just have to go through it. It was 7 years after my dad died before I felt normal again. HTH

Thanks elvis - I think the fact that i thought i had coped meant that it hit harder when it hit if you know what i mean?!

Will have a hunt for that book and have a read.

hi pickledHAn, just wanted to send my regards. It sounds like you are doing just what the text book suggests would happen. I think the body is designed to cope with shock and the loss of your lovley granny will take time to accept. I lost my sister (32) to cancer two years ago and it is only hitting me for real now. I think we have this inbuilt guard that helps us cope until we are ready to grieve properly. I also have had many loss these two years and lost my granny at the new year. It just makes you feel scared that now you are the elders and nobody to look up to but please keep your chin up and take comfort that you can feel and try and talk about your granny and remember her it really does help. How are the rest of your family taking it can you talk to them? As long as you know what you are feeling now is to be expected. Take care and keep talking xxx

Hi basl thanks for that - have already made exuses tinight for th typing as the wine is typing iykwim! (Sisters birthday so I guess its OK!) That said, sister and mum (whose mum it was!) seem to be OK. Dont know if this is a brave face or my propping up, but it seems I was focussing on other people at the time, so t didnt hit me till now. I just drift off when doing something and find myself thinking of her, and life without her - she really was the centre of our family and has left a massive gap, although I am not sure if others realise how massive - I ofund myself stopping off on the way home to visit my grandpa today, 'becuse my garnny tol me to' every decision I face, I just think that she would know what to do - I guess I have realised how much she meanat ot me now se is not here, and just wish she was around to tell her...

Well pickledHan you can tell her. Do you believe in after life? I have had a few readings from recomended spiratualist and had messagesj from my sister and i feel there is something in it. Talk to your gran and i sure you will hear. She is not in this world now but she can listen. Trust me i have had messages at these things and clearly nobady knew my sister died and i was told of her death etc etc. Take care and Know things will get better they will!!! The pain will ease and you have friends to talk to. Take care Basl xxx

Awww thaanks Basl - just been catching up and am apalled by my apalling typing from last night - obviously had more wine than I remember! I do believe my granny is still around, which, while comforting makes it hard that I cant see her, and have a normal conversation etc. I do talk to her, and often end up upset that its not like normal.... But I guess tt may fade - who am I kidding?!!

I had wondered about tracking down a decent spiritualist or medium - but was a bit scared of being conned or not having a message etc.

I think I have been trying to make up for not being able to see granny this weekend as I have done the triple and visited my other 2 grandparents this evening to try and make up for it - hmm, ready for a sleep now - was hard work!

I know she is around - she was sat in a chair at an important meeting at work the other week - didnty help that I felt her presence and lost the plot a bit - had to go off agenda, and now work think I am verging on totally crackers!!

Thanks anyway for your thoughts and comments - I live in hope that she will continue to visit me for a long time.