Grief is making me want to change things in my life including my DP !

[Haylo]

l lost my Dad 8 weeks ago to cancer, the week before xmas. We all knew what was going to happen, but l have been overwhelmed by how difficult l have found the last 2 months.
l know enough to know that 8 weeks is still very early days, l still feel angry and almost in shock that he is not here most days. But my anger seems to be coming out in ways l had not expected.
l am starting to feel a sort of strength from within (sorry if thats sounds a bit airy fairy) that l want to change my life, l deserve more and should make plans to change it.
My DP is being less that supportive, things came to a head at the weekend - he said 'l don't feel you are pulling your weight, its not 50/50 anymore'. l admit l lost it and shouted at the top of my voice why he had no right to say that, something l would never have done before l am usually very placid and non-confrontational. l won't justify what l do here, but believe me it is 50/50, the problem l think is DP is used to having me as his rock, and right now l need him there for me.
l feel l should and deserve more, l want someone to love me like my Dad loved my Mum, to feel cherished, to actually make an effort, to get a valentines card or a card from my children at xmas. l want to loose weight and feel like me again not just someone's frumpy mum. l feel so down and isolated, my family live so far away, it is hard to get motivated l am a SAHM with 2 DCs under 3. Grieving when you are so buzy on a day to day basis seems harder with no 'me time'.
Does anyone else find that problems they have in their life or relationship are somehow magnified with grief ?

Haylo, I think everything is magnified by grief. Losing someone close brings your mortality into sharper focus, I think it very natural to want to change things in a positive way.

I'm sorry DP is having problems supporting you, you sound very sensible actually. If DP is not or cannot support you with your grief in the way you need then can you seek seperate grief counselling ? Perhaps a spell of counselling will also enable you to voice your needs a little more in a way that DP can understand (and not feel immediately confronted by and therefore clam up totally and make things 10 times worse).

Wishing you strength for the coming months.

FWIW, I think it sounds like you are both struggling with things at the moment, understandably. I think finishing the relationship at this stage could be a mistake as it seems that neither of you are in a position to make such a big decision at this point.

Best of luck

Agree with thoughpolice - grief is a magnifying and sometimes distorting glass. I have lost both my parents (dh was my boyfriend when my mother died) and he has stuck with me in some v dark times. Sometimes he has been brilliant, and other times he has been breathtakingly careless - but we have stuck with it and I am so very glad I did. Bereavement takes a long time to heal and we have bpoth learned a lot. Talk to him, tell him how you are feeling, he may just not understand and may need your guidance on how to behave.

I agree with thethoughtpolice (great name!) - you are suffering serious grief and need to and will get through it. Don't make hasty decisions about anything because everything IS magnified by grief. You do sound sensible and I think some bereavement counselling could help - perhaps your gp could refer you?

Take care of yourself and keep going, one step at a time [hug]

Thankyou for your support. l wouldn't make any rash decisions just yet, we have been together 18 years next month. But l am going to make me up there on the list of family priorities.
My DP always seems to have something going on work or health wise which dominates our family, he can be very needy at times and takes without giving.
This time l am not going to allow other issues to over shadow my needs, and that will be hard and probably cause some friction, but essential for my own self esteem.
l will go to my GP, but not to get ADs as my DP suggested ! but to talk about some counselling. l don't want to burden my mum and siblings with my grief when they are dealing with their own.
Things do need to change, l think l need to take control of making that happen.

Good for you Haylo

I can offer both sides here - as child of 11 I lost my mum and my life changed terribly (dreadfully actually) -I have not and will not ever get over it,people that expect you to have set grieving periods are fools grief doesnt work to a schedule,I as a 34 year old mum of 3 can wake up feeling as sad as I did at 11-you never get over it you do however learn to live with it a bit easier.

Now on the other hand Dh lost his mum to cancer in 1995- it was very sad and very hard because we nursed her to the end at home - afterwards he became very moody, very selfish to his own needs and wants ,very pre occupied with his own health and very 'bitter'- now of course this was grief and I understood that but whilst money (at that time) wasnt an issue (we inherited money u see) I was the one left with a newborn baby and a toddler - food still needed to be bought,kids still needed care and our life did move on - just becuse he didnt care it was almost christmas the children and the rest of the world did and he was off work (having quit to nurse his mum for the last few months)we had money so he could do whatever he wanted but after about 2 months I was getting weary of his 'selfish' grief - i know this sounds cruel but we were no further on and it came to a head and i said either you get a job and some semblence of normality resumes or we will split up - I cannot carry the weight of you and your grief and to move forward we have to move on -I too am sad that your mum has died but sadness isnt stopping my life or our childrens.

These were harsh words but he needed it and he did get some counselling he did return to work and life did get back to semi normal.

I think perhaps you and your dh need a good long chat and a loose plan on what expectations are from both sides - im not suggesting you are wrong or to blame but grief hurts and o dont want you to react and think later why didnt i stop and think.

Baby steps and slowly xx

So sorry

Give it time.

When my DH lost his father he really fell apart. In fact he started to do so before FIL actually died. He was in pieces. Unfortunately I was 5m pregant when he died. I didn't truthfully get my DH back until a yr after DS#1 was born. He behaved appallingly (with some justification) but I wasn't as supportive as I could have been - first pregnancy, back at work when DS was 3m old. We have talked about it since and both apologised. We were both struggling. There are still some residues left today though

DH had counselling and took prozac for a while. Both helped.

Try to be kind to yourself, but have some understanding for him too. He is a new and strange place as well.

It's great that you are feeling stronger. Use that positively. Use it to demand 'me-time'. Get out, get exercising, get a new hair cut, take up something that interests you. A change of scene will help you handle the pain. He needs to see that things have changed for you, and not just in losing your father.

Haylo so sorry for your loss. Sometimes DPs just don't get it I have to say before I lost someone myself I didn't get it either. If he has never lost anyone close he may just not understand or he may be grieving himself as he will have known your Dad for 18 years. My DH was very upset when my Dad died as they got on well and had known each other for 17 years and both had the common bond of loving me.

Don't get me wrong he should be supporting you but 18 years is a long time you would not be together if there wasn't something there.

I think some you time is needed, can you get him to give you a break for a few hours maybe.

I do agree that grief magnifies things and for me the fact that I had lost the one other man in my life who loved me despite anything I might do was a huge loss. It seemed worse when I had a disagreement with my DH that I had no other man to turn to. IYSWIM.

Maybe you should just sit down with him and lay your cards on the table. Sorry for the ramblings but things will get better.