How do you explain death to a 3 year old?

[feedthegoat]

My Grandad died last week and tbh I haven't told my ds who is 3.4. I'm sure he knows somethings gone on and he is extremely articulate so I just know he's going to want more information soon and I'm just not prepared for what to say. My grandma (on same side) only died 2 years ago but he was much younger then (obviously!) so it wasn't an issue. His guinea pig also died a couple of weeks ago after stay at vets and I've wimped out there too. I just don't want to overload him with information or set him worrying. Any advice greatfully received.

I think it's just best to be honest with you ds. If you approach it carefully and gently and let him ask any questions he mighty have then it won't be such a big deal. Obviously, he'll be sad but it's ok to be sad. If you have any religious beliefs about heaven then that's a good way to be able to explain to your ds where Grandad now is, if not, then maybe suggest he's up in the stars etc. If your ds hears it from you and sees that although it's something sad, it's also a part of life, he'll be able to deal with bereavement in the future thanks to your assured approach to it now.

Thankyou. I'm not religious so didn't want to do the heaven thing. He has a tendancy to pick up when I'm uncomfortable with something and run with it for sometime so I don't want to get it wrong now.

I agree with you in that it's best to deal with it sooner rather than later. Your ds is likely to ask where your Grandad is now so it's wporth having a think about how you want to answer that question and also he'll ask why he died and although he possibly died of old age, it's important to make the clear difference between the age he was and the age you are - my ds was very worried that I was about to die becayuse he sees me as being very old (compared to being 4, I must seem ancient in my mid 30s!) but as long as you are prepared to spend time with him answerting his questions so he feels comfortable talking about it, I imagine you will be fine. It's also nice to remind yourselves about the lovely times you've had with the person who has died and that keeps the feeling positive, despite the obvious sadness. Hope you know what I mean! Good luck - it's clear you've thought a lot about this and that'll come through in how you speak to your ds about it.

i thonk you have to be guided by your son in this, answer his question as honestly as you can, kids see things very differently, they deal with the facts not so much the feelings that we deal with, be prepared fpr him to keep coming back with questions many times whilst he tries to make sense of it all.
i have three children who have autism so might be a bit different, but i had to explain to them that their dad was going to die from cancer, now he has died i still get lots of questions and i try to be honest without scaring them.

Thank you for starting this thread OP and for the helpful replies.

My dh lost his grandmother just after New Year and although I have tried to explain to dd (4), she just doesn't understand that her nana isn't here any more.

Have found it really difficult to answer her questions without upsetting her (or dh).

She knows nana wasn't well and was in hospital but still keeps asking if we can take her a present to make her feel better

My Dad died very recently and we have simply told DD (2.9) that Grandad has gone away somewhere where he wouldn't feel poorly any more, but it means that we won't be able to see him anymore and that we'll miss him.

This may not be enough info for your DS, but it may be. DD has accepted it and knows that DH and I get upset because we miss Grandad and she tells us she misses him too.

If she was much older I would have used the glove method.

I found it helpful to speak in terms of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, the butterfly being the soul or essence of the person and the body being like the chrysalis that was left behind. I used this analogy to prepare my children for visiting the Chapel of Rest to see their father's body. With your little one perhaps you could use the The Very Hungry Caterpillar to explain the analogy, I also found a book called Badger's Parting Gifts helpful with my son. Sorry for your loss.

Thankyou everyone. Sorry for the losses you have all suffered too and I'm very greatful for your advice. Evenstar and Onlyjoking my heart goes out to you - I cannot imagine what you and your families have been through. Califrau - your 1st post has made me cry (not in a bad way!) - that sounds lovely. He's been with my mum, dh and I today sorting out grandad's bungalow (its a council OAP bungalow so needs sorting quickly). I was all prepared for questions but after an initial few seconds of "but I want Grandad to live here" he was more concerned with the new person who may need it. They never quite react how you expect them to do they? He did I'm sure seem ancient to my DS at 72 and tbh we were and weren't prepared for it - the last few months have been a rollercoaster of information and mis information and we are awaiting post mortem results now but that's not really relevant I guess. He was unwell and ds knew this. Thankyou all again.

My little boy was three when his daddy died six months ago. All i could do was tell him the truth - that daddy's body got so sick that it couldnt make itself better and daddy died, and we were sad because that meant we couldn't see daddy anymore. I explained that we would be having a funeral for daddy, kind of like a party where everyone that loved him would come and say goodbye to him, and that daddy's body was in a wooden box called a coffin and that the coffin would be put in a hole in the ground in the churchyard, and that we could go and visit it whenever we wanted to. I really di believe honesty is the best policy - just be as honest with them as you think they can handle. They will surprise you - kids are resillient.

So sorry for your loss Deemented. Thankyou all for your help. I haven't hidden it from ds in last couple of days and talk about it to/and in front of him and he has suprised me with his lack of questions tbh so maybe it doesn't seem strange or worrying to him yet.

Can I ask are there any books that you would recommend for a 3 year old?

Yes - I'd highly reccomend this one

I have it for my boy and it's excellent.

Thank you so much just ordered it.

This book is excellent too,
www.amazon.co.uk/Miss-You-First-Death-Paperback/dp/0764117645/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b
My ds lost his dad when he was five and this book was recommended to us by our local hospice, Winstons Wish are good at helping children understand bereavement.
www.winstonswish.org.uk/