The Family Patriarch has died unexpectedly. Please help me find the words to tell dd

[Earlybird]

He went into hospital for an elective procedure 10 days ago, and there were complications. He was recovering well, but had a massive stroke on Saturday. There was no brain activity yesterday, and it was decided to take him off the ventilator. He died last night.

Dd (turning 8 next week) stayed at a friend's house last night, and is at school today. Help me find the words to tell her. She will be devastated. I am a single Mum, and he was the Man in her life.

What can I say to her? How do I tell her? Please help if you can. We are heartbroken.

Oh, Earlybird

All you can tell her is what you just told us, only in simpler words - he had an operation, he was getting better, but something else went wrong afterwards & he couldn't get better from that.

I'm so sorry.

Your father ?

How terribly sad. I wish I had useful advice for you but I don't, I couldn't pass by your thread and leave it unanswered

FWIW, i think age appropriate honesty is the best policy. I don't think there is anything that can make news like this any more palatable. I'm sorry Earlybird

I am so sorry for your loss ,I would tey and explain as gently as possible making sure you tell her he wasn't in pain or anything .

There are books you can buy about losing a GP .

When my friends GF died they let off some sky lanterns and sent them up to him .

I am sure someone with better advice will be along soon again I am very sorry.

I was 9 when my mum died. I had been away the day she actually died, with friends (I suspect, because they knew what was likely to happen - she had cancer) and when I returned my Dad just sat me down and was very straight forward - I seem to remember him just saying that she had died and gone to be with the angels in heaven.

I was rather matter of fact about it apparently. I remember going into the living room and seeing everyone looking sad which I found very disconcerting, and so asked to go and play with my dolls.

So - I would certainly go with straight forward, simple explanation.

Best wishes.

Earlybird, I'm sorry for you. One thing that might help a bit later on, is Michael Rosen's "Sad book". It's a very gentle and insightful introduction to grief/depression, and might help your dd come to terms with things a bit.
All the best.

Thanks for responses.

No not my father. My father died over 20 years ago. But this man was in some ways a surrogate father to me, and was very definitely a grandfather figure for dd.

I can't believe it. We were together playing in the garden 2 weeks ago. Dd was climbing a big tree with Bill's help. They adored each other.

Oh, EB how terrible for you, I am so sorry. What a dreadful loss

My dearly beloved grandfather (mum's father) died when I was 10, of a stroke, so here are some thoughts:

• be prepared for dd to need facts: I couldn't help but need to know exactly what it was about a stroke that meant he couldn't survive - that was, I think, a way of trying to take in what was otherwise unthinkable

• don't hide your feelings: I honestly did not appreciate how other people felt as I was so shocked myself

• expect her to cope/not cope completely unpredictably: weeks afterwards I had a great burst of tears at school and was ashamed of myself. Do tell her school, in confidence

• do something, with her, to create a memory for him (sounds like a tree would be appropriate?) - I was thought too young to do funeral/memorial services and the event gradually blurred & lost focus - I really would have liked something to remember the sense of losing him, however sharp and awful it was - a marker would have made it, eventually, easier to make it, and my feelings for him, a real part of my history, rather than a sort of cloud I tried not to think about. I hope that makes sense

Oh, and as to telling, my mum came back from the hospital and said "Darling, about Grandpa ..." and that was all that was needed.

Guessing, I think the rest of it would have been "you know he was very ill, don't you? Well, the doctors couldn't make him better"