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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Is it okay if we don't go to funeral for Grandad? Not sure what is expected...

14 replies

angel1976 · 01/02/2009 20:59

Hi,

Sadly, DH's grandad (on mum's side) died this morning. It's a bit of a shock as he went into a respite home only on Thursday and was expected to live a few more months. He had a heart problem that the doctors could do no more for. The funeral is expected to be sometime later this week or weekend. DS is a much beloved only great-grandchild but the family isn't close (not our fault, it's more to do with the relationship of my inlaws and them). It's a 6-hour round trip to see them (and the funeral). We actually did the trip in one day last weekend so that Grandad could see his great grandson before he passed away and we are really glad he got to enjoy DS's antics before he died.

It's my first day back at work tomorrow and DS's first full day in nursery and it's been quite an unsettling time for DS. DS is not great on long car journeys (DH almost crashed his car on the return journey as DS would not stop squirming or screaming for the last half hour of the journey back) and not the kind of child who will sit quietly though I am not sure ANY 11-month-old baby will sit and play quietly through anything. DH has said that for the sanity of all involved that he would go to the funeral on his own as obviously he wants to pay his respect. Is it alright if DS and I miss the funeral? DS won't understand a thing (if he was older, no question we will be at the funeral) and there's no point putting him through the stress of it all. Most importantly, Grandad has seen DS last weekend before he passed away. I would obviously stay home with DS. Do you think that is acceptable? I'm not sure what the etiquette here is (I'm not from this country though DH and family are British but DH is rubbish at things like this) with regards to children at funeral... It would be a very small affair as they didn't have many family/friends.

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:

Mung · 01/02/2009 21:02

Personally I think its OK to miss it. People will understand and it doesn't mean that you aren't thinking about him. I think its more important that you managed to see him prior to his death than attend the funeral.

sausagenmash · 01/02/2009 21:06

I think it's ok to miss it - I wouldn't expect a little one to be at a funeral, and everyone would understand anyway. Condolences to your DH - I was in bits when my Grandad died (I was 17, but still.) Lovely that the Grandad saw your DS before he died. Take care and lots of nice thoughts are with you x

moondog · 01/02/2009 21:06

Perfectly ok for your dh to go alone,yes.

Hulababy · 01/02/2009 21:09

I think it is perfectly acceptable for you to stay hme with your DS, and for your DH to go for him and on your behalf. I am sure everyone will know you are sending your thoughts.

We did not o to DD's greatgrandma's funeral as we were on holiday. DH's grandad was adament that his wife would in no way have wanted us to miss our holiday for her funeral.

Instead me, DH and DD released a balloon in her memory, with a short message from DD on it.

Mung · 01/02/2009 21:16

Lovely idea Hulababy

Original poster

angel1976 · 01/02/2009 21:39

Hi,

Thanks for all your messages! I just didn't know if we were being unreasonable not to go, I hope MIL agrees with you all... We are going to get a card tomorrow for both Nanny and my in-laws so they will know that we are thinking of them anyway. And I guess when my MIL calls about the funeral, DH will talk to her about it. Yes, we are really glad we made the trip last weekend and that he was able to see DS for the last time.

sausagenmash - Though Grandad is not DH's real grandad (MIL's dad passed away when she was young and Grandad married Nanny afterwards), he and Nanny never had kids of their own so they are all his family and I think DH does have fond memories of them doing stuff when they were all younger... Unfortunately, relations with them deteriorated in later years (because of the inlaws) so he has only seen them once a year or less in the last decade or so... He was really upset at Grandad being put in a respite home (he seemed old but okay when we saw him last weekend) and shamed the inlaws after the visit for not doing more and even offered to pay for a full-time carer so he could stay at home but medically, it wasn't possible so hopefully he will be able to say a nice goodbye to him at the funeral.

OP posts:

callalilies · 01/02/2009 21:41

Absolutely fine for DH to go on his own, particularly as you made the trip recently.

My nan died a few months ago - as it happens someone was able to take care of DS for the day so DH and I went, but if we hadn't had that option, DH would have stayed with DS - I wouldn't have taken him to the funeral, he was 17mo at the time.

sayithowitis · 01/02/2009 23:53

We have been in similar situations twice. When my Step dad's father died my DS! was about a year old. My husband stayed with him whilst I went to the funeral and when my other Dad's mum died both my DS were unwell and again, DH looked after them whilst I went to the funeral. Nobody was anything other than understanding about it. Ultimately, you must do what is right for you and DS.

solo · 02/02/2009 00:00

The balloon idea is a lovely one. Why don't you send one along with your Dh to the funeral and ask him to release it at an appropriate time whilst he's there...I think that is a lovely tribute personally.

Tortington · 02/02/2009 00:01

as long as your dh goes it's fine

Original poster

angel1976 · 02/02/2009 12:14

Thanks again... Got an email from MIL last night and she said she will let us know when they have a date for the funeral, which seems to me that she expects us to go as the email was only addressed to me... I couldn't get into work today (live in SE London). How bad does that sound? Not getting into work on the first day back! I really can't see work being pleased if I have to take a day off for the funeral (even if it can't be helped!). Yeeks! Will let you know how it all goes. Lovely balloon idea... Will ask DH to consider it. Thanks once again.

OP posts:

threewisemonkeys · 02/02/2009 12:23

Condolences to you all.

my ds1 only went to my mum's funeral because he was 5 and we felt he was old enough to understand and wanted to say his goodbyes.

Obviously I had to take baby ds2 as well, who chatted and giggled through the whole thing, especially outside at the burial - (various relatives shooting withering looks at me for not being able to hush him!)

Your DH will be able to pay his respects in peace and chat to the family without little DS stealing the show with inappropriate giggles!

mumof2222222222222222boys · 02/02/2009 13:14

You are proposing to do the right thing. Good luck - I hope it does down well and doesn't cause mroe family ructions.

Original poster

angel1976 · 03/02/2009 20:36

Hi,

Just to let you all know that DH has spoken to MIL. Grandad passed away in his sleep (we knew that) and from a cardiac arrest so it was the best way to go really. He wouldn't have suffered and would have just slipped into unconsciousness and then passed away peacefully. MIL said we are all invited to the funeral but obviously understands if DS doesn't go and I have to stay with him. DH will also be talking at the funeral about his Grandad. We will definitely send something on our behalf to Grandad if we don't go. Thanks all for your advice.

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