My friend is dying

[d0glover]

VG friend has pancreatic cancer, now been told that it is not going to go away, but she and her DH won't accept it and they won't tell their DC that she has the C word.

She is being treated privately so all NHS care options etc won't kick in.
She refuses any help, counselling, nurses etc.

I feel it is wrong not to prepare the children (13 & 9) but I have to respect her wishes.

How can I help and support her?

You can't make them accept this and you can't take away the pain in this tragic situation. Look after yourself because they will need your strength. At a time when everything is changing and collapsing for them all you can be a constant point. As she becomes more ill I think her children may ask you questions so think about how much you should tell them now so you are prepared. The practical stuff is relatively easy - look into what agencies may be able to help, what phone numbers you might need and then keep that stuff handy so you have it. If it is possible she is admitted to hospital at short notice and you will need to go help then think about having a bag with mobile charger, change, something to read, a drink, a snack, a warm jumper etc so that you can just go where you are needed and think about what you can do with your dc if she and her family need you.

Thank you. Good advice

It is hard to accept that you're going to die. My sister died of stomach cancer and even I, who is usually so realistic, was hanging on to any chance she may survive. Thinking back it was so obvious she wasn't.

Is your friend on MN? I hope she can find some support. Good that she has a good dh and you.

She'll have to tell the kids sometime but maybe it's too early.

Sorry what is MN?

I agree its hard to face future if it is bleak and maybe it is better to float through in denial than be depressed and worried about putting your life in order. From the way she is talking she really doesn't believe that she can die - when doctors offered to stop chemo her reaction was why should I? I want to get it over and done with and get rid of this cancer. Makes me cry to think of it.

My main problem is that I lost my mum when I was at school so I know what those poor children are going to have to go through. I realise I'm too close so trying not to get too emotional.

I'm making up a memory box for our family and am going to take it around to show her with some spare boxes and hope that she will be encouraged to do one. Her mum is staying with her so she has help and support from her but she is older lady now. VG friend in 40s.

Winstons Wish is a great charity.

MumsNet

All you can do is respect your friends wishes and be for them now and the children after.

Ah ha now I understand MN - must look up these acronyms! No she is not MN - can't even text bless her.

I know I have to respect my friends wishes - hard though - but it is her life (and death) and not mine.

So she doesn't have a computer? That's a shame as I bet she'd find some good sites for support.

No - she's a bit of a technophobe! Couple of other friends now realised how serious it is and are stepping to help and support. One is a cancer nurse so that is a great relief.
Thank you for your concern and posting messages.

Glad to hear she's getting more support.

Sounds like you are being the very sort of friend she will need. My friend died of cancer 3 years ago and it was really hard to know when to help and when to step back as a non family member.

I know how hard it is, but knowing you are there and that you will do whatever she needs you to do is the most important thing right now.

So sorry.

I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. x

Just wanted to say that you need to make sure you look after yourself in all this, it's very very easy to take on too much to the detriment of your own health/family - you need to take time for yourself and allow yourself to grieve/cry/chout/rant/scream to be able to support them effectively.

I'm very sorry xx

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. It helps a lot xx