How can I best help my friend who has lost her baby aged 3 months?

[Rones]

Does anyone have any advice about what to say to my friend when I eventually see her regarding the death of her little baby? The baby was born weighing just 780g and was in a special care baby unit since then. It has been a very up and down situation from the time she was 5 months pregnant but even just a couple of weeks ago there was hope he would keep fighting and maybe come home in March. Basically, he got yet another infection and they decided to 'let him go'. She sent out a global text to let people know (easier than calling I'm sure). I left flowers and a card at her door and sent a text yesterday to ask how she's feeling, but no response yet. I'm not sure what I should do if anything and what I can say when I do see her? I feel really out of my depth. I can't imagine how awful it must be for her although I have a 9 month old dd and know that I would be in bits if anything happened to her. Any advice?

Just keep in touch, and be led by her. She may want company, or she may want to shut herself away for a while. When you do see her, talk about the baby, use his name, look at photos and tell her how beautiful he was. If he was her first, then remember that she is a mother - a grieving, bereaved mother, but someone who has given birth, and has all maternal feelings - I know that sounds obvious, but people can and do forget as time goes on.

Letters are lovely - they can be read at leisure, and kept - I have some from my best friend in dd1's memory box.

And give her time - the stages of grief are different for everyone, and take a long long time to work through. She'll never "get over it", but she will find a way to live with the pain and sadness in time, and with support of good friends who take the trouble to find out how to help - like you!

Certainly agree with letters: they can be re red at any time.

Also keep in touch...it doesn't take much to make someone feel you are there: a card, call- even if they don't answer they will still feel supported.

Take their lead on text messages: clearly if that's jhow theya re sending out the sad news then they feel safe that way, and can dip in and out when needed. Not just texts (friend felt strongly people used them to avoid talking to her when her Dad died) but a useful add on iyswim.

I don't think you should expect to hear from her......I think you'll have to be the one to keep offering her support.

When your baby dies, you get an immediate flurry of support - but fast forward a month or so, and suddenly all but the best of friends have either forgotten or don't want to bring the subject up for fear of upsetting you.

The best friends are the ones still there offering support a year, two years, ten years later.

Don't push it, but let her know you're there to talk whenever she wants to no matter when that may be. In my case it was four years before I could even talk about my son without falling to pieces. But at the same time, it helped to hear someone else say his name.

I would also caution against telling anyone how "well" they appear to be coping. In my case everyone thought I was doing fabulously, and that was reinforced by everyone telling me how well I'd coped. The truth is with grief you just have to work through it at your own pace, and there's no right or wrong way to do that.

I lost my DD aged 5 days in August - she was full term but like your friend's little one we were advised to withdraw intensive care as there was very little hope she'd get better.
Does your friend have other children? I have a 2 year old DS and the biggest help I had was people helping to look after him so I could do practical things like going to the registrar's and organising the funeral
If you're good friends, taking some shopping round might be good too - just some easy things like soup, salad or nice pizzas they can have in the fridge. I didn't exactly lose my appetite but I definitely lost my motivation to cook meals.
I appreciated the people who came up to me and said that they didn't know what to say. Even if that is all you feel able to say, to me that was better than saying nothing. Just take her lead.

thanks for all the advice - it's really helpful. Clarissimo - you are right, I'm certainly not expecting an immediate response and totally understand that not hearing from her is normal at such a devastating time. She thanked me (by text) after I dropped the flowers and card round and said she would be in touch so I think I should respect this and give her as much time as she needs. I really do think that she knows I'm here for her but it's so difficult because I don't want her to think that I've forgotten her if she doesn't hear from me and I wait for her to contact me.... I think I will try to call her maybe next week and just leave a voicemail if she doesn't feel up to answering. I think this is nicer than a text, which doesn't feel quite right somehow, especially in a situation like this. Thank you also for the advice about writing a letter but I'm not sure about that at the moment. I think I wrote a very honest and kind message in the card I left for her (and her husband) and I'm sure she knows I care.

Regarding the practical help, they are fortunate to have lots of family around (literally in the same town and down the road) so I'm know they are well taken care of in that respect. This was their first baby.

LynetteScavo - I'm so sorry to hear of your personal loss and the difficult time you had (and still have). You are so right in the point you make about not assuming that someone is OK just because they appear to be coping. Unfortuately in our society, we all too often try to put on a front, mostly for the sake of others I think. I suffered with terrible PND and found it very hard to reach out to others and be honest. A lot of people still even think that it was a breeze for me - how wrong they could be!

Anyway, thank you ALL for your really helpful and kind messages.

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