Mum died 12 years ago - but still have questions

[DefNotYummyMummy]

My Mum died 12 years ago from cancer. I was 24. I always thought she'd be OK as death from such things happens to all the other poor sods out there. Now I find myself wondering what that poor woman went through. She knew she was dying and I was useless to help her. Once (and only once) I did cry whilst she was still alive and she held my hand as she was lying in bed after going through yet another dose of chemo and said 'I am so sorry'. We cried together and I told her she had nothing to be sorry about and then she said she would prefer to be alone for a while. She died about a week later. I have gone through most of the grief stages, but I am suprised that I still find things about her death and illness to think about. What is it like to know that you are dying ? How could I have been a better daughter, a better friend ? I now have a family friend that has been given 3 weeks to live and I wanted to see if I could get in his mindset so that I could offer him the support he deserves. It's breaking my heart and it's just not fair for his life to be cut so short. he is dreadfully depressed and doesn't want to die. Jeez, this sucks. I don't even know why I am ranting on, but I suppose I was hoping that someone, somewhere may have all the answers and could tell me what to do to help his last weeks be as well as they can be. He's very weak, but mentally still here (he has pancreatic cancer).

Sorry to hear about your friend.

I am so sorry to read this.

Could you contact your local hospice and ask them to put you in touch with someone who could help?

Your local hospital should have a contact service for the MacMillan nurses.

Not sure what else to suggest, but I am sure someone with more exoerience will come along.

Have you considered bereavement counselling for yourself?

Didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum and now your friend. No help from me I'm afraid, just bumping.

I am sorry to read your post. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer last September.

I would get all the help you can for your friend, especially if he is going to be at home. Contact macmillan, and your local district nurses, I'm not going to lie, we had very little help at home with my dad, and it was very hard, so accept any help that is offered.

I'm sorry about your mom. My father in law lost his dad over 20 years ago, and he tells me he still has lots of unanswered questions. He has told me it does get aser but I sometime think it willfeel like this forever.

I imagine the situaion with your friend has brough this all back for you, which is always going to be hard.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, but if you can be brave for your friend, and do whatever he needs thats really all you can do.

I wish you lots of love and strenght, what you are doing for your friend is very brave.
xx

Thanks for all the kind words. I guess I am a little surprised that I still continue to be upset and analytical over my Mum. For my friend I have contacted the macMillan nurses and they have been fantastic. Thanks so much for the tip. I guess the loss just carries on with you ? xxx

I know exactly what you're going thro DNYM. Lost my mum when young and although I thought I'd grieved for her I found out 27 years later that I hadn't until my dad died and the shock and grief hit me BIGTIME. Ended up with counselling and that helped me come to terms with it and put closure on some matters that had been lurking and upsetting me but were not recognised.

Desperately sorry about your friend with panc canc and have 1 dying of same - def not good prognosis. I think you are grieving for both your friend and your mum all over again.

Sh*t its going to hurt you - sorry.

Advice: don't try and deal with it alone. GET HELP !!

I would from experience recommend counselling - if you go to doctor you can get it on NHS or if you can afford it I think it costs from £50 per session depending on your area and counsellor.

Good luck and you have my thoughts and prayers [hug]

So sorry to hear your news. My Mum died 15 years ago as yesterday and it still pains me. I was 23. I too still have questions. She died of bowel cancer which could have been avoided had the doctors read my Mum's notes and family history. I am bitter about her death because it was so unnecessary.

I too feel i didn't do enough for my Mum when she was ill and wish we'd discussed things more but it was knid of like if we didn't mention it that it wasn't happening..we just tried to act 'normal'.

I really feel for you. Sorry about your friend too, that's tragic. xx