DS's grief very quickly turns to anger and we have suffered another loss...

[TinyWhiteFeather]

Long, sorry.

I was fortunate to still have my own Grandparents when my DS was born and am very close to a lot of my quite large family, going back to my city of birth as often as I could, traditional trips at Christmas, etc. I have now lost all of my Grandparents, an aunt, uncle, and a close friend in the last five years.

My DS is very much like me and develops very close emotional attachments to people, and as he is now 10, the grieving process is proving to be very painfull for him.

The worst was my Grandad nearly 2 years ago whom I absolutely adored, and still miss dreadfully, and this triggered the most horrendous rages in DS which ctapulted our family into a living nightmare.

My aunt died on Friday after a long fight against cancer and she was someone we were not quite so close to, but close nonetheless.

DS has already started to tag his grief onto any situation that goes wrong in RL, and as I am grieving myself, am not in the best position to deal with this at the moment.

I have tried to talking to him and when he is rational and calm he understands, and sees what he is doing is not helpful, but obviously as he is only 10 he can not really rationalise this and I am scared we are going to spiral back down to where we were before.

He is absolutely terrified of losing me as he has said that I am the only person in the world that truly understands how he feels and can help him, but I can't even promise he won't. In the past his Dad has been unable to connect or relate to him when he behaves like this.

My poor poor boy will eventually go through it with his own Grandparents, so how do I make this more bearable for him? (My MIL is 89, so it is sadly not long before realistically we will have to go through it again, and my Father is not in the best of health).

Despite our problems, he and I are very very close and so far he confides everything in me, so I am trying to use that bond so as not to 'lose' him again. His school is absolutely brilliant and have been hugely supportive with everything we have been through.

I have DD (6) also, and she is already showing signs that she handles grief in a different way, but will obviously mirror a little of her brothers behaviour.

Any suggestions at all as to how to get through this would be appreciated.

As I have to deal with this, every time I lose someone, the backlog of feelings seems to pile up on me and I myself am finding it quite hard.

When I said he 'tags his grief on to any situation' an example would be that when I asked him to come off the computer tonight and he had a wobbly at me.
I gently but firmly asked him again and within seconds he was in a rage saying I didn't understand how he felt. In the past this has beeen a pattern which makes it difficult to achieve anything when things are not going his way without haveing to deal with his expression of grief also. This has applied to everything from getting dressed for school to debates about brushing his teeth.

I'm so sorry for your losses, TWF.

I wish I knew how to help but I don't. It won't make you feel any better but I think your DS's reaction is not uncommon. Can CRUSE help? There must be some organisations that offer advice or support to families who are grieving?

I think being patient yet consistent and honest with him is the right thing to do but I know it must be very hard.

Love and hugs to you x

Hi Tiny. It does sound like his very real grief is getting mixed up with other things he is going through. At ten of course there is very little "perspective" and he must be frightened himself by the intensity of what he is feeling and by your own unhappiness. I think by being honest and open with his sadness, but still making the distinction that life goes on for everyone else, you are doing the right thing.

I spoke to Winstons Wishes after Grandad died and they were brilliant.
I try not to overwhelme him with my feelings, but on the other hand want him to know it is natural to have these feelings and that he is not on his own.
It is so hard.

Hmmm ... tricky. Can you make time to talk to him about this? Just cuddle up on the sofa and talk about it? It sounds like his rage is about the idea that people don't understand him. Why is grief triggering this? Does he not have friends who understand him?

Sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad on the 7th. Can you speak to their school.

I told dd1 (nearly 5) school and they have bereavment councillor (sp) at school who can/will help if needed.

We had a similar time a few years ago - lost my own sons, parents in law, grandparents, BIL it went on and on for what seemed a lifetime.

My DS1 was 10 at the time. He followed me everywhere and sobbed if I had gone to the shop and not told him, even though his Dad was there.

He blamed every last thing on our bereavements. Would cry if he forgot to take his homework in, forgot PE kit etc etc.

Only time and millions of conversations helped. I would repeat the same things over and over to him. Unfortunatly only time heals. He is now 27 with a wonderful partner and a 7 month old son of his own. He still gets very anxious about his little boy but he is a hard working, well balanced, compassionate man.

Good luck with your situation and I hope things soon improve for you xx

Winstons wishes said it is not unusual for grief to be transferred to anger at some stage, and DS does tend to be an 'angry young man' at times.

I do talk to him when things are calmer, and he genuinely seems to understand, but then when he gets in a rage he can't make the connection.

He will come in late from playing out with friends and if you remind him he had a set time to be in, can quickly bring in the fact that he is upset. It does make me feel guilty, but he can't just get away with everything because we have lost someone, although I do try to be more lenient and give him some space.

I am so sorry for your loss also lizziemum, and hope you get the comfort and support that you need right now...

Have you tried your GP?

When DD (11) was having trouble dealing with her grief our GP referred her to local Children and Adolescent Mental Health Team (CAMH). I understand this all sounds very heavy but the realit was they set her up with a lovely play therapist for her to work through her issues with, she found it very effective.

Are you aware of Cruse bereavement counsellors? They are fantastic and would listen and give your ds the feeling that someone else other than his mum understands him too. It could be a huge relief for him and for you.

Have you thought of channelling his feelings into a positive activity too? Many people find that the strength of their feelings can find an alternative outlet in a challenging activity - training for a sponsored swim, for example - to raise funds for something associated with the person they loved. If it involved regular training, to achieve a new goal as well as to raise funds, that would allow this often healing activity to work over a period of time, rather than being a one off.

HTH

HTH

Dad - we also went down that road. My DS1 was the same age and he went to see the most amazing child Psycologist (sp???) to be honest she saved his life - he was so angry and so very sad. He had been bereaved of his twin brother at 7 months old and then his little brother at 7 years.

She would talk to him for hours - she only confided in us if it was something that we really needed to know.

It does sound daunting but if our children had broken their limbs we would take them to the hospital - when there hearts and minds are 'not working properly' the option of childrens mental health unit is the best choice of all - in my opinion.

Reacting with anger and rage to grieve is not an unusual reaction, but of course it is very difficult to deal with, especially as you are grieving yourself.

If you could get some proffessional health for him, that would probably really benefit him and you as a Family unit.

Other than that you can just be there for him and talk whenever you can, etc..just as you are already doing.

I think you are handling this quite amazing and with so much patience.

His anger never completely went away after spring 2007 and following a traumatic 18mnths I got some help from CAMHS, and ultimately it got so bad we had help from social services and we had support from a fantastic case worker.
But I suffer from depression on and off and the minute that comes up the whole focus is turned on to me as the failing cog in the works as if it is simply down to how I deal with things.
Of course it has a massive impact but I am dealing with my problems and I have a little boy who struggles with his own. His mentor whom he has seen on and off for nearly three months has taken him out twice.

Nobody will actually give me the tools to deal with a little boy who in a rage, whether from grief or simply a bad mood will pick up the nearest thing, however heavy or damaging, and hurl it.
When he sits down with them, he is a cheerful, self-possessed young man who presents himself fairly positively.

FairLady....I have my moments , but channel them into something physical, so I can be there fior him.

I try to get DS out with me but he has a lot on and it perhaps isn't enough as we could do.
I like the idea of trying to do something along the lines of NotQuitegrownups idea of raising money for charity.

And Shabster I don't know what to say, I have come across your posts from time to time although we don't often frequent the same threads and I am so sorry for you and your families losses..... There are some extraordinary people and stories on here.

i would consult play therapist or family therapist
you can get this on nhs if the need is there
hope you get some help feather

Can i give another vote to contacting Winstons Wish........ they are excellent. My ds has lost his Dad, Grandad and Male Carer and WW helped me help him!!
www.winstonswish.org.uk/

Sorry i see you have contacted WW! Glad they have been able to help you.

no advice to add to the posts of people who are far more knowledgable but couldn't see your thread without responding. I'm so sorry for you and ds - do hope some of the ideas here help you both.

Thank-you for your messages, my computer went down, and life just speeds on relentlessly sometimes.
Sorry for you and your DS lottie, it is so harrowing to see them in pain isn't it.
He is throwing himself into his friendships at the moment which is tremendous, so maybe it is just me for a bit.
I find it strange as a lot of the people I have lost were from my home city, from which I had moved away. So these people were not a part of my daily life. It has a bizarre normality to it and then I am struck all of a sudden by everything.
Is this normal?

It is TWF. My son found his dad when he died, he was just before his fifth birthday and his dad had been ill for ages but we didnt expect him to die........... My ds is now 12{he has special needs and is deaf) and we still have problems now. I was ill last week and spent a whole day in my dressing gown, my ds kept on at me to get dressed so i signed and asked him why and he remembered when his dad was ill and in his dressing gown all the time. He kept saying "I dont want you to die too Mum"

Oh, lottie, how devastating, how truly sad. Words are completely inadequate at times but you have my every sympathy, and wishes that for all your sadness, the future holds something precious and beautiful for you both....

Sometimes you feel both as big as a mountain for them and yet at the same time completely inadequate to protect them.

{{hugs}} xx

I know.........it was and still is a very difficult time.

I have just taken a peek at your profile....he is an absolutely beautiful boy and looks filled with good spirit.

I run with inspiring people in mind and the next run I do will be for you and your son.....

I hope each day brings you strength, even though it will always be with you. And thank-you for sharing your story.

Thankyou.............