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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

i need advice

20 replies

noddyholder · 12/01/2009 20:54

I had a huge break from MN but really need to talk and get advice.My ds is 14 and today his best friend's dad killed himself and everyone is in bits.They are so close holidays together virtually live in each others houses etc The loveliest man you could ever meet and his lovely wife and 2 boys.ds can't stop crying i don't know whaT TO DO

OP posts:

CarGirl · 12/01/2009 20:55

I don't think you can do anything apart from "be there" for your ds and his friend

rubyslippers · 12/01/2009 20:56

i am so sorry to hear of your loss

is there a local vicar/religious person if this is appropriate

let your DS grieve as he feels he needs too - and you as well

There are CRUSE bereavement services

link here

tribpot · 12/01/2009 20:58

How awful for you In these early days, I think all you can do is be there for your ds, how is he coping?

TigerFeet · 12/01/2009 21:02

Oh Noddyholder how sad

My youngest brother was a similar age when the same thing happened to us. I was 18, our other brother 16 and our sister a toddler. All I can suggest is that your son's friend feels that he can talk when he wants to and can come and cry on your shoulder if he needs to. I remember only too well how difficult it was to talk at home, we were all in shock and kept setting each other off but everyone was so desperate not to upset anyone else more than necessary. Each of us needed somewhere else to go, a bolt hole, where we could cry and rant without feeling that we were upsetting someone else.

I understand Winston's Wish is a great site for bereaved teenagers.

BigGitGotLovelySoftHandsDad · 12/01/2009 21:06

Sorry to hear that Noddy, do the school provide a contact point that can be used? Maybe worth a phone call. Poor family, my thoughts are with you and them.

Original poster

noddyholder · 12/01/2009 21:06

Thanks everyone MN is great at times like this.My ds is really distraught we are all in shock his dad was here to pick him up saturday laughing and joking at the door with dp.From the outside it looked like they had it all but he suffered from depression and lost his job recently.They live in the most beautiful home and it all means nothing

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 12/01/2009 21:23

noddy so sorry to hear this. When I was 14 one of my best friends father committed suicide. It is a time of my life I have never forgotten. I was so upset but I was encouraged to talk about how I felt, to discuss the whole issue of suicide. Very early on we were talking about the fact my friend's dad had an illness and it killed him in the end. Just like cancer can kill, so can depression. I remember being really protective over my friend and being there for her the first day she had to go back to school.

My friend really enjoyed coming to my house - to talk about her dad, how she felt, about her mum, or to just be a teenager and hang out. I also spent time there and am still really close to her mum.

Just make your home as open as possible for your son's friend and do as much as you can for the family from a practical point of view. Help with the kids, take a meal round, put a wash on, mop the floor when you are there, load the dish washer. That type of thing - as much as you say "if there is anything you need, just ask" nobody ever does. Just doing the stuff that will help their lives run smoother in the coming months will be really helpful.

Sorry for the essay. none of this will really make sense right now because you are in the midst of shock and horror but as the months unfold, you can be a realy support to this poor family.

Original poster

noddyholder · 12/01/2009 22:38

Thanks I will do all I can.I really want to.ds has gone to bed he doesn't know what to think but we have talked to him about depression being an illness.He can't believe his friends dad would leave them like that deliberately

OP posts:

Evenstar · 12/01/2009 23:47

Winston's Wish also has a section for parents, I would recommend reading that to get some idea of how to help. I found it very useful for my teenagers when my husband died in June. You and your son can best help by being constant in your friendship, that may be hard as he might exhibit bad behaviour and not be his normal self. My youngest son (11) was not very nice to his best friend for a while, but he and his family stuck by us and that has been such a support for us at this time. My DS has now settled down and the relationship has pretty much gone back to normal, but don't be surprised if this happens with your DS's friend. Just be there for them and I second twofalls suggestions of just pitching in and giving practical help where you can. Wishing you all strength for the days to come.

Original poster

noddyholder · 13/01/2009 09:59

thanks for all your advice.Will look at winstons wish with ds tonight as he keeps asking why and I have no answers

OP posts:

Buda · 13/01/2009 10:10

Oh noddy how awful. For everyone.

(Was wondering where you had gone. Hope you are OK.)

Original poster

noddyholder · 13/01/2009 10:13

thanks buda I finally moved house and decided to have a break from mn I just found this so distressing.Ds has gone to shool with big red eyes Can think of nothing else dp is the same.He was such a lovely man I think the currnt financial situation may have contributed to this which is making it all worse

OP posts:

DadInsteadofMum · 13/01/2009 10:20

Your DS has to be there for his friend and you have to be there for your DS. As Evenstar has said children will often exhibit stange and challenging behaviour at times like these as long as your DS understands this and that if his friend is being difficult it is the grief rather than him talking.

On a different level the most help you can give may be practical, just after the death of DW last year it was the people that kept the laundry going (it would just disappear and reappear clean and ironed), helped make sure the family were fed either with shopping, dropping off meals or giving the DCs somewhere to go when I needed to deal with the practical stuff of funerals and solicitors.

Original poster

noddyholder · 13/01/2009 10:23

Thanks I plan to give practical help.Ours has always been an open house to him and we are there in every way.I think ds in shock he says it might not be real even though he knows it is,I think this is the first real tragedy ds and his friends have experiences and they are at an age where it has really stunned them.I hope I can keep it together when I see him hE WILL PROB BE HERE ALL WEEKEND

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 13/01/2009 14:55

Its such a difficult age noddy (although not sure what an "easy" age is when you are dealing with these matters). You know so much but don't really have the emotional maturity to deal with the feelings you have. After my friend's Dad died I was very fearful for my own family and kept asking if they were at all depressed. I was so scared that it could happen to us. I think the only way to deal with some of your DS's questions is that in this poor man's eyes, he didn't choose to go and he would have honstly and truly felt that the family would get on better without him. He won't understand it, but then in all honesty, do any of us?

It sounds like you are going to be a good friend in the coming months. In terms of not believing it, my best friend's DH died suddenly about a year ago and I think it was months before my friend really believed it was real. It is such a lot for a teenager to deal with - I remeber clearly how I felt at the same age and it is a very confusing and scary place to be.

Take care and keep talking on this thread if it helps.

Original poster

noddyholder · 13/01/2009 14:58

thanks I started 2 threads by mistake.My head is spinning i think.

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 13/01/2009 15:19

Don't worry - it is bound to be. You are in shock and trying to work out what it all means. Its awful I know. And the taboo around suicide makes it even harder to know what to do or say.

Shall we switch to your other threadhere?

Original poster

noddyholder · 13/01/2009 16:33

Yes twofalls thats a good idea

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 13/01/2009 16:52

Can anyone who wants to post about this please go to Noddy's other thread so she doesn't have to check two places:*

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1375&threadid=682725&o=1231859878167#13910109 OTHER THREAD HERE]]

Thank you

GColdtimer · 13/01/2009 16:53

Sorry, HERE

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