Unsure how I feel, My mum died on 29th Dec and we are arranging the funeral for this Thursday - am I in denial, or emotionless or what??

[Crunchie]

I have been reading a few of these bereavement threads and everyone is using the words devastated, heartbreaking etc etc I find I am not feeling that way.

I loved my mum very much, she was fab in some ways, rubbish in others but hey thats OK. However I don't feel devasted.

She had cancer and we all knew she was going, the last 2 weeks I sepnt almost 24/7 with her. Nursing her, talking and then simply holding her hand. All the family visited and got their chances to say their goodbyes, I got a chance to tell her how I felt about her and how I was 'honoured' to be able to care for her in this way. She eventually left us peacefully, holding my dads hand, as she would have wished.

All I felt at the time was relief she was not suffering and happiness that we gave her the dignity and peace she would have wanted. Now a few days on I am sad of course, but I have had nearly 2 years to prepare for this (to cry about this) and perhaps to grieve already IYKWIM. In some ways it is easier, far easier than if it had been sudden, as you do get time to talk, time to make extra memories. One will stick in my mind was Christmas eve her drinking champange whilst having her hair done!! (in bed!!)

My kids who were pretty much abandoned for three weeks are now my priorty and I need to get back to real life.

Perhaps it is my beliefs that are helping me in this time - I am jewish (liberal not orthodox) and we belive that for new life (babies etc) there has to be death. AND if you think about it, if there was no death then there could be no new life. Put like that it is simple to choose which one would prefer.

I am not sure why I am posting this, however I want those who are going through the same with loved ones to realise that your mum/dad whatever will probabl come to terms woth their dying well before you do. If they are at peace with it, you need to try to be. I am not going to shove beliefs or religion down your throats but do ask yourself the question, new life or death, which would you prefer?

That is a lovely post Crunchie. I am sorry for your loss but it does sound as if you have done your grieving already and this I think is perfectly normal in cases of long illnesses. A particularly apt saying in this case is 'a blessed release' because that is what it is isn't it, watching a loved one suffer is grim, when that comes to an end, whilst sad, it is a relief of sorts. Good luck with the funeral and just take it as it comes x

I am sorry for your loss Crunchie. I don't think you are in denial - I think you quite possibly did your grieving early on. Also it sounds like you all had time to say goodbye and that your Mum had a peaceful death. As you say - she is not suffering now.

very sorry your mum has died. I agree with Ruby - that you may still be in shock so may have a strong delayed reaction later down the line.

Crunchie, I thought and laughed about my Nan when you said about drinking Champagne getting her hair done, we done the same on Millineum with her.

RIP to your Mum and take care. xx

Crunchie, I'm sorry you've lost your mum.

TBH, from my own experiences and that of others I know, it is perfectly normal to feel 'nothingy' between the death and the funeral. It's almost like you can't start to grieve until the funeral is over and the person is laid to rest. It's an odd old time.

Be kind to yourself.

So sorry Crunchie

My father reacted as you are doing to the death of his mother. She had dementia and I think he grieved for her over the last few years. He was quite calm when she died. I asked him about it and he said 'she had already gone'.

But don't be surprised if it jumps up and ambushes you later though.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

I was very similar to you when my dad died (years ago now). I was in shock, even though it was expected, and a mercy really. He died of cancer which had spread everywhere, and I try to avoid thinking of him as he was in the last few weeks when the brain tumour had sent him back to some sort of awful pseudo-childhood.

About 6m later I burst into tears on the bus home from work, and would just start crying anywhere and everywhere; anything and nothing would set me off. I missed him badly for a long time and still often wish he was about so I could ask him .... - dad would know that etc. He pops into my head most days, but I remember him for his humour and intelligence and how he made us laugh - all the good things. It was about 18m before I stopped expecting to see him in his armchair when I went 'home'. There was always a little jolt as I went in "of course he isn't there".

I know exactly what you mean: new life or death. May you continue to find your beliefs strengthening and your children a comfort.

I felt exactly the same when my father died late last year. It truly was a release and a blessing.
I still feel that, and know he would too.

I believe myself that death is part of the pattern of life. Also it comforts me that there are still many things I can do for him, and will be for years to come.
But I must admit the funeral flattened me. Take care on Thursday.

One of my parents (mother) died after a long battle with cancer, and I felt as you do - mostly just relief that she wasn't suffering anymore. The grief did hit me, but it was a good few months down the line. I think you need to be prepared for the possibility of that happening.

But I agree that in many ways, and dsepite the fact I was very young when my Mum died, it was an easier death to handle (if there can ever really be such a thing) than the very sudden and unexpected death of my father. That chance to say goodbye is so important, and does give some sort of closure.

At the moment you are busy and have things to do. Give yourself time when the time comes. So sorry I too have been there.

So sorry I too have been there and at times still am.

I agree with much of what is said here. Firstly one of the overwhelming feelings after the death of someone who was suffering is relief. Often other emotions come to the surface weeks or months later.
After experiencing the sudden deaths of 2 young friends I was enormously grateful that did not happen to my dad and we had the chance to spend lots of time with him in his last 2 months. I think it is easier to accept the death of an older person too, than a young person who has gone too soon. (although I think my dad was still quite young by today's standards).
Part of my feelings were on behalf of my mum who has been left a widow and could live for another 20 or even 30 years on her own. That feels a devasting thing to come to terms with.
Lastly you must reconcile yourself to the fact that someone hugely important in your life has gone and will never be replaced.
So sorry for your loss Crunchie.

Sorry to hear about your mum, Crunchie. I lost my dad last year, and I feel very similar to you. It wasn't to a terminal illness, but nonetheless, I had time to prepare mentally, and I think it does make a difference. I really felt that his time had come, if you know what I mean, and although I miss him, we really do all have to go sometime, and his was a 'good'death.

I said to my DD exactly what you have said, when she asked why grandpa had to die, that if no one died there would be no room for new babies.

It's been 8 months now, and although I've had big ups and downs, I still mostly just feel a wistful sadness when I think of him, and can think of the good times.

What I find strange is that in 20,30,40+ years time, I'll still be missing him; he will still be so important to me, but life will have moved on.

Crunchie, Thank you so much for posting this. I can totally relate to everything you say (not really re religeon, im a catholic not practicing), but about how you feel. My father died of cancer but was killed by alzheimers - i was just relieved when he died, and numb. That was three years ago and i still haven't experienced the "devestation" that i know people go through. I adored my father and i miss him so much - he never got to see my beautiful DD and that is the worse cruelty of all. There are times when a wave of greif will hit me, I do cry, but i keep it private. I am working through some issues with a counsellor and i am sure the loss of my father has impacted on me more than i realise. But how can i be sad that he died and was released from his suffering? I was glad when he died and given the choice of him still being alive, with alzheimers i would choose that he died every time. But given just one day with him, as i am sure many others of us would, i would do anything for. My Dad was a wonderful dad and i was a daddy's girl, but i am sure that there are people in his family who think im as hard as nails. I think what stops the "devestation" is this - i don't, and cannot, believe that my Dad is gone from me forever - I can't explain it, but I just feel that we are separated, for now and that Love will tide us over until we are together again. Im not sure that means i believe in an afterlife, but i know that his spirit goes on (even if it is only in my own heart) if that makes any sense. No religeon can explain that to me really.

Everyone "greives" in their own specific way. There are no rules. Allow yourself to feel what you feel - don't beat yourself taht you haven't had this massive outburst of grief, it is probably a self protection mechanism. Some might say its not healthy to hold it all in but i would say, go with it, take each day as it comes. You sound like you loved your mum very much and were totally there for her in the end. That is what is important.

Sorry for your loss Crunchie. I don't think there's any fixed way to feel after you lose someone, and if you saw your mum in a lot of pain I'm sure relief is very natural.

I lost my dad very suddenly in May (still can't quite bring myself to say last year as it seems too recent still) and I can't describe it as anything other than a rollercoaster of emotions, cliched though it sounds. Don't give yourself a hard time because you don't feel the way you think you should.

I'm so sorry for your loss Crunchie.
My best friend lost her mum a month ago after 3 months of illness. She was 88 and had a good life I believe, despite being widowed for 39 years and bringing up 3 children alone.
My friend nursed her mum for the full three months and although she found it tiring and lonely at times, she knows that she has made some fabulous memories that her siblings just can never have.
She took her mum for a very expensive manicure in October for an 88th birthday treat and drank Champagne with the dishy manager and had photo's taken with him. It sums up the fight and personality that overflowed from her very being. She went peacefully in her sleep too.

FWIW, I have always gone with the idea that in order for there to be a birth, there has to be a death. It has often followed in my family that we lose a loved one and then have a new baby born to our family.

I would think that you will one day find yourself inconsolable with grief for your mum. It will then be over and you will then be able to smile at the lovely extra memories that you have made with her ~ your wonderful mother.
God bless you and your mother.x

very sorry for you loss. my mum died over a year ago now, there just aren't the words. Others have said it more eloquently than i could, but i echo those who say that there is no 'set' formula for how one should grieve. I remember looking up the 7 stages of grief, it can't be right becuase i am still stuck on Anger! we reflect on how mortal we are when someone dies, it puts things into perspective for sure.

If you need anything, just say.

love custy.

Aw, Crunchie, that image of you mum reminds me on Nanna in the Royle Family.

I think you feel what you feel. My mum died unexpectedly and I was shocked at how soon I thought I felt normal. But it caught up with me later on.

Thanks all of you for this. The funeral was today and it was lovely - if you can call it that. Aside from 'standing room only' about 150 guests, my brothers and I read really nice readings. I must just post the one that has given me most comfort - and this was one of mums favourites too.

"If there is to be birth, there must be death. Unless there were departures, a time would quickly come when there could be no arrivals since the area of the finite earth would be filled. We can imagine a world in which there was neither birth nor death; but not a world in which there was one without the other.

If some ?Messenger? were to come to us with the offer that death should be overthrown, but with the one inseparable condition that birth should also cease; if the existing generation were given the chance to live for ever, but on the clear understanding that never again would there be a child, or a youth or a girl, or adolescent love again, never again new persons with new hopes, new ideas, new achievements; ourselves for always and never any others - and if the answer to that Messenger were to be given by the light of dispassionate reason, could there be a doubt what it would be ? "

Herbert Samuel

You see mum was a very logical person and rational too - she was certainly ruled by her head and this means so much. My brother could hardly get his words out, but was comforted by the fact all our kids were there including his own slightly squarwky 10 month old!!

I read ..

Shall we cry out in anger, O God,
Because your gifts are ours but for a while ?
Shall we be ungrateful for the moments of laughter,
The seasons of joy, the days of gladness and festivity,
When tears cloud our eyes and darken the world
And our heart is heavy within us ?
Shall we blot from mind the love
We have known and in which we have rejoiced
When a fate beyond our understanding takes from us
Friends and kin whom we have cherished, and leaves us
Bereft of shining presences that have lit our way
Through years of companionship and affection ?
Give us the vision, O God, to see and feel
That embedded deep in each of Your gifts
Is a core of eternity, undiminished and bright,
An eternity that survives the dread hours
Of affliction and misery.
Those we have loved, though now beyond our view,
Have given form and quality to our being.
They have led us into the wide universe
We continue to inhabit, and their presence
Is more vital to us than their absence.
Rabbi Morris Adler

Which is so lovely.

My mum and Dad were the centre of each others lives, far more so than us kids, so all this is so much harder on my dad really. I haven't lived at home for nearly 20 years - they barely had a day apart in 50 years!!

Oh Crunchie. I've got all this to come but have found this thread very comforting. I remember when my Mum and her three sisters nursed my grandmother for the last three weeks of her life. My Mum was sad when she died, but not devastated, because, as she said, she had 'a good death'. It sounds as if your Mum had just that. And it's what I want for mine, when the time comes.

Crunchie, I searched on your name looking for camping advice in France, and came upon this thread about your mum. (I had no idea).

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose a parent, as my dad died from Melanoma in July last year. We had only 4 months from his diagnosis in April. He never really came to terms with the fact that he was dying, which was hard for mum, and me my sister and brother. I have cried loads, however my sister has been very stoic, and barely cried at all. Grief affects people in different ways. Wishing you and your dad especially strength in the weeks and months to come

xx

The readings at your mums funeral were beautiful.