Mum died and desperately need help with DD's behaviour.....

[Rileycat]

My mum died of cancer 2 weeks ago and my DD aged 21 months has been having having problems for the last week or so. DH and I (maybe naively) thought she would just forget about her nanny and stop mentioning her but she's obviously more intelligent than we give her credit for. She's seen my mum get very ill over the course of a year to the point where she was in bed, sedated and unable to speak. Our DD has now made the connection with poorly, bed and disappearing and is scared of going to bed. She will not settle unless either me or DH are with her till she nods off. I've tried to tell her nanny isn't poorly anymore, she's better but lives somewhere else now, she lives in the sky in a place called heaven and can still see us but we can't visit her anymore. I just don't know how much of this she can even understand. Has anyone any experience of this? Somebody at playgroup suggested getting some books but I don't know if there's any suitable for a child of her age? I need to get this sorted as 3 hours a night getting her settled is not ideal when I am due to give birth to DD2 any day now! I am so worried for her as she was so confident and a happy little thing before and she's clingy and unsure of things.

I wish I could help with some constructive advice, but can only offer lots of sympathy - you have enough to be dealing with yourself without worrying about your DD as well.

But 2 weeks isn't long (although it's probably felt like forever to you), and apart from the absence of her nanny, your DD will be picking up on your grief and reacting in the only way she can. There's been an enormous change to your family, and just give it some time. I think normal rules go out the window at times like this, especially with a new baby about to appear. She will be unsettled, but she will get past it.

Take care of yourself - you really have your hands full, and bereavement is so awful. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.

I also think that her unsettledness is probably more to do with her picking up on your grief than understanding what has happened to nanny. She knows things are different and wants you close to reassure her that it's okay. I think for now you just have to go with it and stay close until it passes.

Someone suggested this book to me Water Bugs and Dragonfiles but I haven't actually read it myself.

Couldn't you take it in turns just to go to bed with her for a few weeks?

She is so little and you must be hurting, too and she will pick up on that. I really would look at snuggling up with her, all comfy, making getting into bed a good place, with stories, nice sheets and blankies and teddies and parents.

Sorry about your Mum - life is such a rollercoaster.

I know 'Badger's Parting Gifts' is supposed to be a good book helping young children, but I also haven't read it myself.
Sorry for your loss. Lost my dad recently too. Take care.

I would be very wary of saying stuff like 'she can still see you' because that could be scary and confusing to a young child. I would also never use the word sleep in connection with death around a child.
I think you need to tell her that nanny has died because she was very, very old and that she and you are young. I agree that two weeks isn't very long at all. Give her lots of cuddles.

just out of curiosity,do any of these books work 10,9 and 8 year old kids?

We got a couple of the books about death from the library for ds1 (who was 2.11) when dh's grandad died. TBH, I think they were too old for him and he didn't really 'get' them. Even now, 2 years on, we have to go through where Graggy has gone every time we walk past his house.

I think death is such a huge concept and your dd is still a baby really and is unlikely to have anything more than a sense that something is amiss with mummy and daddy which is upsetting her.

ck, Badgers Parting Gifts is probably better for that age group - we read it in a junior school assembly after one of the children's mum's died.

i have got some wonderful books and stuff from this group www.winstonswish.org.uk/

i agree loads of cuddles, talk about how long she has lived and maybe you could find a star and say thats nanny. Everyone is different in ways they talk about death to children, you'll know whats best for your dd.
I rememeber my dd asking me something, and i replied that we all have to die one day, she then started sobbing saying she didnt want me to die so you cant do worse than me

I can second suggestion for WW they are brilliant!

we did the star thing too.

im so sorry to hear about your mum.

my ds2 found it very hard when his granny died(the other 2 did too but it seemed to effect him more).we planted a rose for granny in the garden and called it grannys thinking flower.a couple of weeks ago their was a flower,ds2 said look grannys smilling

My aunt died when dd1 was very little. SHe was distraught.

She had this foam frame decorating set so we made a frame and put a picture of my aunt inside it. We then went out into the garden in the dark to show it to Auntie Margaret in heaven. I have a very clear memory of her holding the photo up to the sky.

It seemed to help.