Friend lost her baby at 38 weeks, how can I help her?

[Dragonhart]

A close friend lost her baby at 38wks and gave birth about 3 weeks ago. She is obviously devastated and I feel helpless but really want to help her.

I have kept my distance a little as I have an 11wk old baby girl and know seeing me and her is not going to help her at all.

If there is anyone who has had a similar terrible experience, can I do anything, or offer her any information on support groups or counceling. Or is it best to leave her to deal with it with her husband and two children?

Oh dragon - we are in the same situation dh work colleague wifr gave birth to stillborn baby at weekend (she was 37 weeks but also lost a baby at 21 weeks last year) I have sent a card to say we are thinking of them but felt so mean to write the dd's name in the card (both babies were girls) dh asking at work if tehy are sending flowers but because I dont really know her only him its so hard

My friend went through a similar thing just over a year ago.
I think it is important to acknowledge what has happened and to acknowledge the baby's existence. DO not avoid her. Better to be there for her when she wants you. Just let her know you are there and offer some practical help.
There are support groups but she probably knows about these from the hospital.

What a lovely friend you are to ask - good luck xx

I have a friend whose labour was botched and baby died. I also had a baby at the time and she was open about saying how hard it was to see babies. Try and stay accessible for her and perhaps meet up without baby when baby is old enough.

There's a similar thread on here at the moment which you might want to look at.

The important thing to remember is that everyone deals with these things differently - for some people it's important to hide away, and for others it's important to see friends and talk about it. While I understand your caution, can I suggest you send a card, telling her you're thinking of her, but will understand fully if she doesn't want to see you and/or your dd?

SANDS is a brilliant support resource which helped me enormously, and they have a forum which she may want to use.

Other things - remember the baby's name and birthday, and keep in touch - my best friend kept sending me letters - just nice, chatty, thoughtful things, which was great as I did not want to talk to anyone for ages, but it was great to know we hadn't been forgotten. She still sends me things on dd1's birthday, and remembers her due date. these are the things that matter in the long run, as many many people say sorry, and then you never ever hear from them again.

FWIW I HATED getting flowers. Others will say they liked them - it's a very personal choice.

When I say acknowledge baby's existence, btw, I mean hers - my friend found it especially hard when people avoided using her wee boy's name. She also liked to talk about what he'd looked like and how it had felt to hold him and so on.
God, I am starting to well up. It is an awful thing to even contemplate.

This happened to a dear friend of mine

Don't avoid talking about the subject. Refer to the baby by its name. Don't try and offer reassurances, or say things to try and 'make it better' (not suggesting you will - but you know what I mean). Just listen, be there for her, offer practical support: shopping, groceries, errands etc. Let her talk and talk, if that's what she wants to do

My friend has had another baby now, and although her ds will never be forgotten and she will always feel the pain of losing him, she has been able to move on and start to enjoy her life again with her lovely family

Am so sorry, this is such a dreadful thing to have to go through

Dragon, please don't avoid your friend. Your baby is not her baby if that makes sense.

When this happened to my niece, it hurt her so much when people avoided her. You say she is a close friend, please be honest with her and say,

"X, I am so sorry for what has happened to you, and I would really like to come over and be with you but I feel really worried that you will be upset even more as i will have baby, M with me"

Chances are she is cryiong out for a close friend to be with her and your baby will not make it any worse, believe me, it couldn't be any worse.

I am so sorry you are all going through this, I hope she has been put in touch with SANDS, perhaps you could ask her, and show her the way. Let her talk about her precious baby, talk with her, aknowledge this real little person,look at her photos if she wants to share, cry with her if it happens.

Just be there for her and her family, it's a long long journey but one day she will smile again, and hopefully you'll still be beside her to see it.

xx

Actually, nicky's post has reminded me - my sister was pregnant when we lost dd1, and I really couldn't talk to her for a while. What did help, bizarrely, later on, was when she asked me what labour was like, and waht gas and air was like, etc - reminded me that I was a mother, even if dd1 was no longer with us, and that I had been through labour like any other mother, etc. I like dd1's birth story now - it makes me smile, and was an oddly happy time, if that doesn't sound too strange.

Thank you all so much for the advice. I cant even begin to imagine how hard it must be for her and her husband. Every time I think about it it makes me cry. She lives about and hour away, so writing notes seems like a great way to keep in touch.

I am bfing dd so cant go without her, so seeing her is not really an option atm.

Thanks for the link too.

Your friend has had the most unimaginable awful thing happen to her. My best friend had a similar experience and was really hurt that some of her close friends distanced themselves.
there will be times when your friend does not want company, does not want to talk and does not want to be near babies. There will also be times when she needs someone to lister to her, be with her and quite likely when she could really do with being able to give a baby a cuddle.
My friend's friend had a baby a couple of weeks before the stillbirth and my friend was particularly hurt that despite offering loads of times the couple never took her up on the offer to babysit but accepted offers from loads of other friends. Be guided by her, in a month or so she might welcome a visit from you and your baby.