What can I do for a widowed friend's wayward son?

[UrbanDad]

His dad died over a year ago. He's 11 and becoming increasingly aggressive, withdrawn and uncommunicative and recently got into trouble with the police for stealing a bicycle from school. DW has suggested he needs a role model. Any thoughts on what support I should/could offer him/his mum?

How completely horrible for the boy. I'm not surprised he is having a hard time.

Has he had bereavement counselling? Anger is a very common part of grief. I read somewhere that nearly 50% of children who are excluded from school have had a recent bereavement (although obviously not suggesting your young friend is heading that way). Some schools will have a counsellor on site. Otherwise Cruise? Or what about getting in contact with Winston's Wish? They help children deal with bereavement.

Cheers - all useful stuff. I'll check them out - she knows about YAW, so I presume there's been some kind of family bereavement counselling.

I was thinking of offering myself as a kind of mentor (not a replacement Dad, but just to do Dad-like things like help around the house putting up shelves, repairing bikes, taking him to football etc.)

....UrbanDad, you could be describing my 9 year old!

(I think a large proportion of the exclusions mentioned by neolara are probably him. Ahem)

I have some suggestions that may help, and will return to this thread with them later.

...I will consult with chums in similar situations elsewhere on the interweb first, and compile some of their thoughts for you, too.

Ok, well I don't know if it's any use but dp went through this as a child.
His father died when he was around that age. His mother remarried a sailor, well a yachtsman - who sort of took him in hand, as he had become a bit of a wild child.
He hated sailing and his stepfather took him out on a boat over and over again, got him into it, and now he is a sea captain and delivers yachts around the world.

He's taken his stepfather's name, everything. Are you into any sort of sport or activity you could take this kid along and teach him how to get good at it? You might need some patience.

FLBTP - that sounds like a fantsatic idea. I used to be into conservation (making paths, planting trees etc.), but have given it up now I have kids, so maybe that's the excuse I need to take it up again.

Good luck. Try taking him along to a few different things - you might find he prefers watching footie or something, go with whatever lights him up iyswim

Btw you're really nice for doing this. He's a lucky lad to have someone who cares.

....there seems to be a theme in the responses I've gleaned.

(and I, as the widowed parent of a similarly wayward child would largely agree with these sentiments)

...very impressed and touched by your thoughtfulness. You could indeed make a difference by forging a bond with this boy.

BUT

...discuss your thoughts with his mum first. She may have suggestions, and will want to be involved. She may also help by informing you of any particular sensitivities.

...and be aware of the enormity of the responsibility of offering yourself as a 'role model'. The boy might be much more resistant, or much more receptive than you imagine. If you take such a role, you must stick at it long term (sometimes through sore provocation)

Good Luck!

I was widowed in June and have had difficulties with DS2 aged 11, he is having counselling at school, his behaviour has luckily been mainly confined to being very difficult at home which is not like him and reacting very dramatically to being thwarted or teased with tears or verbal aggression. I would welcome a male role model for him and agree with retiredgoth that it could make a difference, but would need to be a long term commitment. Talk to his mother, but as a widowed mother myself I would think you were a wonderful friend to be so caring and thoughtful.

I agree that it would be a big commitment, that is a very good point.

It isn't the same but when I was in my early twenties, I befriended an elderly man on a train in Wales. He looked upset and he told me at length about the lovely wife he had lost after years and years together, and was having such trouble getting over her.

Immediately I felt a little out of my depth but he was so sweet and sad, we wrote letters after I moved away, for about a year - and then it all became too much for me and I told him I had to stop. it was heartbreaking and awful, but I could not handle the weight of his grief any longer. He really was very very upset - not surprisingly.

I still feel bad that I had to stop writing, I told him I was going through something myself, which I was in fact as I was sinking into anorexia - but I am not sure that he ever understood

My husband died a year ago, and my ten year old son sees his friends fairly regularly. They take him to football matches sometimes, or have him for an afternoon, things like that. Or the three of us (I have a daughter too) visit their families, because they don't all live near us.

It is quite informal and there isn't such a pressure for one person to be a role model. I know it is difficult because people don't always keep in touch/visit regularly, but that seems to work for us at the moment.

Good point, Flicka (sorry been very out of the loop).

I have kids of my own - I don't want to be a replacement dad for him as (a) that's not what he or his mum want, (b) it would eat into my own time with my own kids, and (c) it would create an odd sort of relationship with him and his mum and I don't want to get in the way of any potential step-dads.

Instead I've been helping build cupboards, put up shelves round his house and asking him to lend me a hand (which he really seems to enjoy) and wire-up the switch for the Xmas light. He really seems to respond well when people give him responsibility and ask him to get involved (and his mum is just glad to have him focus on something constructive for a period).